Medical My uterus is finally gone, but it didn't feel like much of a choice.. Any CSA survivors with a full hysterectomy?

[saffronstuffie]

Hi everyone, if you don't know what a hysterectomy is, please do not look it up without safe search!!! It's basically a super major surgery to remove my ENTIRE uterus, tubes, ovaries/eggs, and cervix, which I've successfully went through!! ( Hurts like all-hell, as of first day post-op, but it's not as bad as the random stabbing cramp I got in middle school.. Honestly much more tolerable, especially with the pain meds I'm on!! ) It had to go, because of how messed up it was, and I mean, it was MESSED UP. Only thing is.. and I know this is a stupid thought to have, but please don't be upset at me.. I kind of miss having one?? Don't really miss the pain, both mental and physical it caused me when it was in my body. But because of the idea that one day i could potentially have my own kids, on my own terms, not because of what my dad wanted from my body when i was a child.
But i guess i couldn't even get that reclaiment of my body, because his abuse probably caused my uterus to be underdeveloped / deformed. At least from how it seems, in the photo of my uterus the surgery team sent my partner post-op, it's definitely WAY TOO short, and small, to be a properly, fully developed, uterus. ( I also had PCOS!! So imagine a small uterus with BULGING ovaries!! Yeah, my body scares me.. Not too bad with seeing stuff that'll make me squeamish tho, so dw!! )
Hope i can find SOME support, from any other CSA survivors that have also received a hysto, because i feel so alone right now. ( The somatic flashbacks of my dad's abuse haven't stopped either, even though I assumed the organ that could've been causing it is gone.. Now I just feel like I'm a gross person, for even still having these thoughts.. ;_;; )

 

[saffronstuffie]

Also, I feel even MORE stupid about this, but when I was on the way home and finally saw the picture of my uterus, I got all teary-eyed and just whispered "goodbye" to it?? ( Feel like I'm just being dramatic AF, but I literally lost an organ, my only way to have my OWN kids - and while i don't mind adopting at all, me and my partner are gonna do it, i just wish i could experience it. experience the pain i was made for. experience anything my body was forced to "train" for. ) i feel practically useless now, that my only reinforced reason for existing is gone.
but i kind of know i'm more than my uterus, at least a bit, but i also understand it was apart of me i can't really get back, and that has some kind of sentiment to it, i guess..
i dunno, am i just being overdramatic because of my estradiol??

 

[Rose White]

No you’re not being dramatic. It’s understandable. Losing body parts can be a major source of grief. When I cracked my two front teeth I waited years to get crowns because I didn’t want to lose them. My teeth had a shape that is unique to my native ancestry and my crowns don’t have that feature as they couldn’t build crowns based on my old teeth since they were broken off at the bottom. And when I was told they needed to take out my appendix I begged to just take antibiotics but they said no way and I was upset about having a staple put in my stomach. At the time I was paranoid about stuff and I had to grieve the loss of part of my body and the invasion of a foreign body.

It does sound silly to say all that stuff, but I felt that way. It’s interesting about being a csa survivor and the relationship to the body. I think maybe that’s part of why I avoid going to the doctor—I don’t want them to mess with me/my body. I’m on high alert not to have my body/space invaded/taken. That’s why it was so hard for me to let in someone intimately and why it’s so difficult letting that go because I had to work so hard to let them in.

 

[saffronstuffie]

No you’re not being dramatic. It’s understandable. Losing body parts can be a major source of grief. When I cracked my two front teeth I waited years to get crowns because I didn’t want to lose them. My teeth had a shape that is unique to my native ancestry and my crowns don’t have that feature as they couldn’t build crowns based on my old teeth since they were broken off at the bottom. And when I was told they needed to take out my appendix I begged to just take antibiotics but they said no way and I was upset about having a staple put in my stomach. At the time I was paranoid about stuff and I had to grieve the loss of part of my body and the invasion of a foreign body.

It does sound silly to say all that stuff, but I felt that way. It’s interesting about being a csa survivor and the relationship to the body. I think maybe that’s part of why I avoid going to the doctor—I don’t want them to mess with me/my body. I’m on high alert not to have my body/space invaded/taken. That’s why it was so hard for me to let in someone intimately and why it’s so difficult letting that go because I had to work so hard to let them in.

Yes!! I ALSO avoid going to the doctors / ER!! Because I HATE needing to have other people I don't know mess with my body!! ( even though it's necessary to find out what's wrong with me, i've learnt that about surgeries like this, though i still don't like it.. ) I hope that I can figure out how to make grief for a deformed / underdeveloped part of me - especially because of how much it connected me to my abuse - become short-term, I don't mind if the grief lasts a while, I'm just worried how it'll effect recovery..

 

[saffronstuffie]

Yes!! I ALSO avoid going to the doctors / ER!! Because I HATE needing to have other people I don't know mess with my body!! ( even though it's necessary to find out what's wrong with me, i've learnt that about surgeries like this, though i still don't like it.. ) I hope that I can figure out how to make grief for a deformed / underdeveloped part of me - especially because of how much it connected me to my abuse - become short-term, I don't mind if the grief lasts a while, I'm just worried how it'll effect recovery..

Also, I'm unfortunately the complete opposite when it comes to relationships, I wanted someone - ANYONE - to "want" my body.. Went through relationships when I was in elementary, to high school, like they were sweets!! ( I had no sense of self-worth growing up, so unfortunately I still display this behavior with my husband.. But he understands it's just because a lot of perpetrators have used me for my body, back when i was a tween, and that none of them actually cared about me.. )

 

[Rose White]

That makes sense. Paradoxically, once I let someone in I want them to use me and ignore me but I’m learning to not want that anymore.

 

[Friday]

Aloha! @saffronstuffie … I’ve removed your TW/CW, as we don’t use them on-site. After all this is a place to discuss trauma, and the effects of trauma, and anything/everything -from fluffy kittens to the word “the”- are potentially triggers another person. For more detail on that? Check out our community constitution.

i dunno, am i just being overdramatic because of my estradiol??

Pfft.

Hormones??? Are. A. BIG. Freaking. Deal. It’s neeeeeever “just” hormones, although hormones may be complicating -or completely altering- what is already there. Hormones? Tell your heart to beat. Hormones? Tell you what you feel. When to think, and how. They are the chemical messengers that keep you alive. They’re -potentially- as much a part of your soul as your brain is, and hormones completely change brain functions so? They’re also brains’ boss. SERIOUS fawking things, hormones. Like most people? I. Had. Zero. Respect. For. Them… until? I had to learn the hard way, that ignoring hormones, is like ignoring air/water. Every single woman in my family gets “antepartum depression/psychosis”. Hormones, that take your normal/good/best-day-ever, and tell you to murder everyone and then kill your self. As in? CHAIN YOURSELF UP, or kill yourself, or send yourself to prison. HORMONES do that. They also stop your heart. Dead. Misogynistic bulkshit says hormones are nonsense. Okay. Boyo. Stop. Your. Orgasm. You can’t??? Because it’s a chemical cascade COMPLETELY out of your control???

I have noooooo idea of you’d think/feel this way before/afters hormones weigh in.

I CAN tell you that how you think & feel matters.

 

[saffronstuffie]

Aloha! @saffronstuffie … I’ve removed your TW/CW, as we don’t use them on-site. After all this is a place to discuss trauma, and the effects of trauma, and anything/everything -from fluffy kittens to the word “the”- are potentially triggers another person. For more detail on that? Check out our community constitution.


Pfft.

Hormones??? Are. A. BIG. Freaking. Deal. It’s neeeeeever “just” hormones, although hormones may be complicating -or completely altering- what is already there. Hormones? Tell your heart to beat. Hormones? Tell you what you feel. When to think, and how. They are the chemical messengers that keep you alive. They’re -potentially- as much a part of your soul as your brain is, and hormones completely change brain functions so? They’re also brains’ boss. SERIOUS fawking things, hormones. Like most people? I. Had. Zero. Respect. For. Them… until? I had to learn the hard way, that ignoring hormones, is like ignoring air/water. Every single woman in my family gets “antepartum depression/psychosis”. Hormones, that take your normal/good/best-day-ever, and tell you to murder everyone and then kill your self. As in? CHAIN YOURSELF UP, or kill yourself, or send yourself to prison. HORMONES do that. They also stop your heart. Dead. Misogynistic bulkshit says hormones are nonsense. Okay. Boyo. Stop. Your. Orgasm. You can’t??? Because it’s a chemical cascade COMPLETELY out of your control???

I have noooooo idea of you’d think/feel this way before/afters hormones weigh in.

I CAN tell you that how you think & feel matters.

thank you so much for this reply, I mainly added the content CW for graphic stuff, because people will always be curious about stuff they dunno/haven't gone through ( especially surgeries!! ) but I'm glad I don't need to censor myself like that on here!!
as for hormones controlling everything, I TOTALLY understand this!! I just feel like a medicated hormone supprement - because you kinda enter surgical / medical menopause when they remove your ovaries / eggs - could TOTALLY also eff my stuff up, especially when my hormones were already naturally super outta wack.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think saying goodbye to it is a beautiful thing to do, not stupid or dramatic. It shows self compassion. It was part of you, and damaged because of what you went through, and now you are faced with life without it and grieving all of that and grieving the chance to give birth. That is A LOT to deal with.

Well done for sharing. And I hope that being on here helps you feel less alone.
Whilst my story isn't the same as yours, given everyone on here has had trauma, we can understand from our experiences and relate in that way.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can't say for sure if CSA. I have some memories that have never been confirmed and do not know where to place. That being said I had a full hysto, but I also turned out to be a gender-bender (trans), so in that regard we're probably very different.

For me having surgery didn't take away the somatic memory (feeling?) of having been violated. But it fixed my sense that I was having to carry around an organ that had been used against me in some way. So I was glad that it was gone. But like you, I can't have any kids, and most of the time I try not to think about that. There are a lot of people who can't have kids for other reasons, so I think about them.

 

[saffronstuffie]

I can't say for sure if CSA. I have some memories that have never been confirmed and do not know where to place. That being said I had a full hysto, but I also turned out to be a gender-bender (trans), so in that regard we're probably very different.

For me having surgery didn't take away the somatic memory (feeling?) of having been violated. But it fixed my sense that I was having to carry around an organ that had been used against me in some way. So I was glad that it was gone. But like you, I can't have any kids, and most of the time I try not to think about that. There are a lot of people who can't have kids for other reasons, so I think about I posted this as a transgender man, saying "turned out to be trans" doesn't make sense to me, because

I can't say for sure if CSA. I have some memories that have never been confirmed and do not know where to place. That being said I had a full hysto, but I also turned out to be a gender-bender (trans), so in that regard we're probably very different.

For me having surgery didn't take away the somatic memory (feeling?) of having been violated. But it fixed my sense that I was having to carry around an organ that had been used against me in some way. So I was glad that it was gone. But like you, I can't have any kids, and most of the time I try not to think about that. There are a lot of people who can't have kids for other reasons, so I think about them.

This whole reply is very confusing for me.. Mainly the "confirmed" part for memories? You *do* understand that perpetrators will lie about the abuse they made someone go through, especially if it will make them appear as bad as they were, yes??.. Also, I'm transmasculine.. I was only on estradiol patches for my body to not enter meno/premenopause?? I've identified transmasculine since middle school.. I've never seen such an assumptive reply, that's made me so confused, especially because you don't really "turn out" transgender? It's a self-discovered identity?.. I'm sorry if other people have influenced your transition, and I do hope that's not the case.. :(

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Allright - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you.
I transitioned because of my own feelings of revolt towards my body. But I can't tell for sure if CSA ever happened to me. I remember some things but do not remember all.

The only reason I replied is because you were asking if there were CSA survivors with a full hysterectomy.
Maybe I shouldn´t have said anything. Was just trying to give support to you, while also being honest with you, that I am not sure if I was ever sexually abused.

I'll just see myself out, maybe that might be for the best. I wish you good things.