My War...

[novemberDark]

and sometimes go to 'War"
not always everyone can have that choice Barconian to 'go' to war.

 

[Barconian]

Good to fight but not good to fight for too long

Very true!

 

[greenleaf]

Yugogypsy, sometimes as a girl I made suits of armor and spears out of tin foil for my dolls. I still sometimes visualize my anger into such symbols (well, ok, not with a doll anymore.)

I love the tv show "Xena...", she really gets angry, is often very effective with changing the world in positive ways with it, and no one tells her it's unhealthy or unladylike or to forgive the people who just destroyed a village with many small children...

Anger is normal and part of everyone. It evolved to help us survive in some kinds of situations, and every species of animal including humans has anger. I love that you studied dolphins.

I think anger can tricky to direct healthily esp. if the abusers are not around, maybe refuse to admit to abusing; it seems similar to me if one cannot appreciably change huge social forces that are causing trauma. There are ways to work on this stuff over time, anger can feel like a clean current if it's helping things in some way and not stymied or misdirected.

I think support on the issues you're facing is crucial to keep the anger from going inward; plus you can work to find ways to have your anger create at least some small positive change in the world. Physical activity has also helped me a lot when angry, it doesn't remove the anger but helps my body deal with its effects.

 

[Barconian]

sometimes as a girl I made suits of armor and spears out of tin foil for my dolls.

"Barbie" and the knights of the round table... Cool!!!

 

[Yugogypsy]

Barconian? New word to me. I was ready to shut down on your comment and swore I'll never use English to share my information. During the times of stress, one falls on the natural language and that is for me is ASL. Thank you for manning up or womaning up (invented a new word here). I appreciate it. I survived using ASL the whole day. I survive better using ASL than English. If not for access to an interpreter, I wouldn't have survived. Hired interpreters for this war of words/languages/perspective.

 

[Yugogypsy]

I love Xena shows. Oh Barconain? That's you? I didn't get the Barconian post until a few seconds ago. I used my imaginations to help me my through the hard times, the funny times and the "whatever" times.. I imagine a story and weave it poetically. I create monologues, pieces of my life and weave it into a one act piece. I'm a thespian. I'm a teacher, actor and director. Storytelling is part of my culture and it's what I grew up on. I create and when that creation is done, it goes on stage. Now they destroyed my original ASL poetry of the "Walls, Doors and Orchid"... I can't do this poetry without a meltdown now. There's a story I'm brewing right now.

 

[Barconian]

If it is not a love poem, it is not a poem, if it is not love, it is not poetry

Many years ago I had a friend, his name was Martin. He was "blind" from childhood.

Martin wanted to do electronics as a career... He would build his own stereos, fix TV's and would repair and modify cb radios for his friends! The school for the blind told him he couldn't do electronics because it was too dangerous for him to do! Martin thought, "well" stuff you, I am going to do electronics regardless and he did! He had an uncanny ability to remember the finest shapes of most things he touched and became very popular for his skills!

The one thing Martin had always dreamt of doing was drive a car, all his life! After him telling me how great he was and he was seated behind the steering wheel of my Holden Sandman, he became nervous and his left leg was bouncing all over the place... After having a firm hand on his profusely shaky leg, he settled and drove that big sucker for miles :) As frightened as he was... Martin did not fault once to any of the commands he received.

Martin never forgot the time when he drove the big V8 Panel van and he also wouldn't let people make him feel different!!!

 

[Yugogypsy]

Smiling... Hands can become his eyes... Hands can become my ears... I can feel the motor going wrong. I can check to see if a machine is working right by touch it (washing machine, dryer, or any machine that vibrates)...

To be continue, my war, has turned for the worse overnight after I came back home. I couldn't sleep. How can these hearing involved in my case sleep at nights?? Damn near went nuts, raging. Thankfully, my husband, the Vietnam vet with PTSD experiences, brought me down to a safe level. Respect my wishes: NO treatments from hearing people who are untrained in the world of Deaf (culture and language). People think "treatment" will make things all better but I know better, it'll make things worse by those who are not versed in the Deaf world... I, only ME, choose how to treat myself. The things I said - like stripping naked, writing with a marker, labeling stigmatism on my naked body.... All those stigmatism labels comes from the hearing population. It's like one of those performance I did with another actor writing with a marker - I had to write "bitch" "whore" etc on her body parts... She choose me because she trust me to be a "catty" character and trust me with her life to write such cruel labels. I'm honored to be trusted by a hearing person. I can relate to her... Now I wonder if I can ever ever trust another hearing person, ever again... I hope I don't shut down... Now I need to distract myself from my own pain, working too hard to distract myself and sometimes I get tired, worn down. I'm wondering if creating my own show (another one) will be a good therapy for me - I hold nothing back this time if I decided to perform again. I'm wondering if I can transform all the pain into something good... I have a few trusty people who can be there to support me after the show. If I'm to ever perform again, I will need those trusty people to fall back on and set up a safety net. Tears....

 

[novemberDark]

Yugogypsy, any steps of progress on your case?
I really hoping you stay here on this site ( I didn't read everything, I didn't even see you were a girl, sometimes so ignorent to these differences)
I hope you do come back on here, whether you are able to brief on any progress or not.

I would love to be able to ask you questions about dolphins ( I read the whistle of the dolphin) I think they were made to carry mines to destruct, and I believe they refused to carry on that mission once they became aware of the 'self destruction' part of it.

 

[Barconian]

I'm wondering if creating my own show (another one) will be a good therapy for me - I hold nothing back this time if I decided to perform again. I'm wondering if I can transform all the pain into something good... I have a few trusty people who can be there to support me after the show. If I'm to ever perform again, I will need those trusty people to fall back on and set up a safety net. Tears....

"Nice goal" I hope you do it :)

 

[Yugogypsy]

Not a girl... A woman.

I don't know much about dolphins carrying mines to destruct. I know they're a very smart and social mammal. They can be trained to do things in the SeaWorld... I swam with a dolphin under the supervision of the trainer. I'm not a big fan of confinements of any animals. I went to the zoo with my grandkid after years of not going to one and I couldn't stand the environment. I know alot about wolves and they ran in circles for a long time. They're supposed to run in a long line, not in circles to hunt for food (they don't do cows unless it's the last resort)... Hard for me to watch.

I read a lot about dolphins and wolves.

I had a rough few days and ultimately had to go HOME! before I have a meltdown in public. Now I have tears even when all the attempts of distracting myself ultimately failed and I shut down to preserve / conserve. These last few days have been difficult and predict that this will continue for one week. I'm going to be wondering about what the hearing men will do next in the "war" of mine.

 

[novemberDark]

I have issues with seeing animals in confinement too, haven't been at a zoo since I was a child.

I also love the wolf, a friend had the experience to see an artic wolf. He described how they circle you and that it was scary especially the eyes, but what an experience !.

The lawstuff takes, drags time (very exhausting experience myself in the past). Hope can get required rest to keep it up and some distractions come back again. All the power to you!