My War...

[Barconian]

I'm going to be wondering about what the hearing men will do next in the "war" of mine.

The hearing men are not all talking men and forget to actually listen sometimes :D

 

[Yugogypsy]

I've seen a lone wolf when there was a forest fire and their cover's been blown. It's rare to see wolves because they're elusive. You can hear them but don't see them unless there is a fire. There's a good book about a man who earned the wolves' trust. I can't remember the title but I do remember that it's based in the area where I grew up in. I've had my share of close encounters of animals: bears, wolves, moose, dolphins, sharks, skunks (avoid them at all cost). Out of all those Mother bears are worse and thankfully I scared them off.

Forget to listen? I've had my share of people who are deafer than me. Usually, I don't bother with those kinds yet they frustrate me. I can see the spirit of "forgetting to listen" and being deaf.

Another sleepless night spending the last few days armed with pens and swords. It gets under my skin that I will never "retire" from being Deaf as much as I'm very proud of being a Deaf woman. It's like being sent to war repeatedly and you didn't ask to go there. Home is my time away from it. I often wonder when I will put it down and find my peace. I often wonder when people are going to realize how much time and energy it takes out of a person to educate others who have crossed paths. I earned money working as a teacher in this area and it's my area of expertise. It's the going to the food store, the daily errands and the public outings that I make takes more out out of me. Why don't I just go in and do my daily businesses and just let me be without someone screaming behind my back, "ARE YOU DEAF or WHAT??!!"?? If you don't know the person, don't say it. One can blame a person for not paying attention, being engrossed in something, which ultimately ends up in the screaming ARE YOU DEAF!! As much as I tried being a fly on the wall, people still make small talks standing in lines, in elevators or in uncomfortable spaces. The other day, I was in the food store, standing in line, piling food on the conveyor, a woman tried to make small talk about the bottle of juice, I nearly flipped and told the lady that I'm DEAF and then told my husband that NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE HEARING (or just like them)... I wanted to run home before I make a spectacle out of this Deaf issue in the middle of the food store.

The law stuff: It often results in people who are deafer than me and made my situation worse by not "listening". The people involved are untrained. To a trained eye, one can tell the difference.

Still around but restless in my own prison for my own safety.

 

[Yugogypsy]

Up half the night. Hospitals are out of the question and it's what stops me cold from going there because that's another war zone. Food stores are my war zone. Any public buildings that holds a number of hearing people are my war zone. Can't sleep yet I'm tired. Waiting for the gardening season to start. Waiting for the sun to stay out and play longer. I have a garden hidden away into the woods - I don't see a soul except for the neighbor from hell next door (obviously hearing) who I don't want to see.

Couple of nights ago, after the legal sword fighting, I screamed that I wanted to die. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. Every time I distract myself, my eyes water up. I tried distracting myself, still even over cleaning the kitchen, tears come to my eyes. Again, distraction, distraction, distraction... Things, little things, intensify to remind me that these are the things invented by the hearing people. A table, a chair and a cup which I drink coffee from. Somewhere along the way I would ask myself have I done something good? Will something good come out of this? It seems like one thing, after another thing, after another, it's endless. I banned hearing people in my safe place even kicked out my husband for talking on the phone. Easy life for him and others. I'm grateful that he's still around. I'm grateful that he didn't take it personally all the time - yes, a few times he did - I call it human, not perfect in every which way. If not for him having Vietnam war PTSD, I don't know where I would be.

 

[novemberDark]

Glad you can wait for gardning season to start and the sun to stay longer. Glad there is a mate that you can trust.

I really have to be honest about never able to understand how it is when you cannot hear, I don't.

I wondered if you can hear thoughts in your head like voices. Or the voice that speaks to yourself ( pulled me through).

I think if you fight for yourself, it's more than good enough, regardless of the outcome.

Its just acknowledging that if you know it will take you out, stopping is not equal to giving up. I find that such a fine line and still learning how.

I wish you the same again all the power to you. Sometimes we lose track of our own strength too.

Law thats a machine you're fighting with every little paper pusher having a piece of the puzzle.

The strongest last the longest and are the last to ask for help ( sometimes part of the problem).

As far as beautiful wolves, yes I know to stay away, I like them just where they are. I never had the experience my friend did at alert, still I envey him.

There's a reason for an omega wolf, a natural one for sure. Maybey to always start new pack. He said it.was a female and she came with others he didn't see at first.

 

[Yugogypsy]

I'm fighting facing a huge bump in the road on my journey and have asked another Deaf man to possibly take over teaching my classes until I can find a way to heal. I've been teaching many years, dealt with being a Deaf woman many years and seen the worse and the best of both worlds (Deaf and hearing, Women and men).

Can I hear thoughts? Thoughts are the language(s) that go through your head. If you speak French, you have French thoughts. If you speak Spanish, you have Spanish thoughts. If you are bi lingual, you have both bi lingual thoughts. I speak in American Sign Language (ASL), I have ASL thoughts. I can hear my ASL thoughts in my head. I can read and write but more than often I fall back on the natural language - ASL more than I fall back on English... It depends on which medium used.... If I receive English information and interpret those thoughts into ASL, that's bi lingual thoughts. There are times I switch from ASL to English and back again. Both ASL and English are equally rich in a language on its own. ASL is not a medium that's written like English. ASL is a visual language while English is an auditory language. We learn what we can in English without hearing it. Some managed to do very well in English. Some don't. Some people aren't skilled in the area of language learning. I see many hearing people who can't read and write. There are examples of illiterates out there. To single out a Deaf person and use them as an example is not a fair application toward illiterates because we don't hear English like many hearing people do BUT that does NOT mean we're not smart in a different way. Illiterates can't read and write in a language they speak... If you speak Spanish / English / French, you can't read and write - that's a good example and of course, the shame that comes with it... I'm just proud to have come a very long way to be bi lingual...

Males fight over females in wolf packs to maintain their packs to insure the "survival of the fittest". Females fight to keep their babies alive to maintain a way to survive. I could never figure out who is more powerful in survival: Male or female. Never mind the thought... The Deaf people have their own packs even though you don't see them. We each have a duty assigned. Sometimes we get burnt out. Sometimes we give up. Sometimes we rest and then push forward. Sometimes in reaching out to others with limited resources works. Sometimes it fails. Sometimes with all those things, there's something in-between.

Healing has to come in my own time, on my own terms and I'm facing a huge bump in the road right now. If I'm going to pick up my teaching sword (they're asking me to) then I have to ask if the battle's worth fighting for. If I battle, they disregard everything I have taught them what's the point? What's the use? In other words, quit wasting my teaching times to teaching those who refused to learn, to change, to improve and to prevent anything like this to happen again.

They didn't believe me when I told them that I'm Deaf. They thought I was faking it just like everybody else. They tied my hands - very very very important to me. I teach with my face, my body and my hands. You tie them, you take away those, leaving me to use my face and body language to communicate, making me look "aggressive" to those who don't understand the Deaf. They didn't provide an interpreter according to the law of the land. To provide an interpreter is to give me the opportunity to defend, to teach, to communicate far beyond than a pen and paper. To force me to write my "life story" to defend myself on a piece of paper in a short period of time, in few words, as a means to keep me "stupid" without an interpreter. I just created a saying: Hearing society, be smart, hire an interpreter. If you don't, you're keeping us "stupid", you're dumbing us down. An interpreter will provide an equal leverage to be on the equal ground with other peers.

I foresee that I will have a very very LONG time to heal before I can teach again. When you teach a subject of civil human rights for so many years, when you get slammed with violations, it's really the straw that broke the camel's back. No matter how I tried to claw my way out, I get shoved right back into it.

If not out in the public, in my garden I go. Garden hasn't started yet. It's still too dark here and next month will be a start of longer daylight hours. I spend many days, staying home, away from the hearing world, reading books, watching TV, creating projects alone, writing and playing those silly computer games - GRR... until the daylight gets longer. Since my incident that broke the camel's back, my eyes would well up when I read or watch... A trigger happens when you see tears in my eyes... A reminder, no matter how harsh or light, I struggle, I distract myself from the constant reminders, the constant pain of thinking, all of my life work went down the drain, into the toilet, into the trash. It's up to me to take it out of the toilet, the trash, and smear it in their faces - How they soiled it - it's really hard for me to see that.

I have constantly and specifically requested NOT to be in a room full of the untrained and non signers (hospitals, etc) to be "ganged" upon by them, to be imposed by them, to be forced a "treatment" that I know it's hurting more than helping. I have to be willing to go, NOT forced and they have to be willing to do all it takes to make me feel human again. That means, speak in my own language. That means, interpreters present. When they don't do that, I'm a sub human. I can communicate. I can teach. I can feel feelings. I can think thoughts. To reduce me to a few words to express myself is to take away the FULL range of communication, teachings, learning, feelings and thinking...

The more I express myself, the more discoveries I learn. The more I'm oppressed in not to express myself in a full range, in my own languages with interpreters, the more traumatic it gets. Having an interpreter present allows me to show my true independent self without looking to my hearing husband, without appearing like a dependent child to others. That's all I ask.

Again, thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to express in English. One day, I'll be able to express my ASL poetry again in a way of not having my meltdown from the oppressors. You living so far away, so remote from my Deaf world, again, thank you.

I will come back to save what I wrote here and use it as my sword. This helps me to refine my sword. This helps me to sharpen it, to make it better... I wished that Xena TV shows weren't so corny and if given the opportunity, I would have directed to improve the Xena shows, I would love to be in that Xena character. But for now, it's too corny. I could imagine a better Xena character. Ironically, I was cast in the role of "Joan of Arc" character in theatre for a one act piece in someone's directing project. It seems that I fit in the character so nicely as an actor. If I could do it again, I would be "Joan of Arc", the Deaf Joan of Arc in a full length piece. I wrote a script and I couldn't bring myself to revise and submit it. It's hard without breaking down in tears, in anger, in feelings where I don't want to go. Time will tell me that I'm ready to revise and submit the piece.

Thank you.

 

[novemberDark]

First thank you for explaining and response to my enquiring.

So is ASL is kenesiastic natural based communication.

I thought it was the most important of all, considering when we are born and growing, our first encounters off perception.

Is it visualization in the mind, when you remebered someone else talked to you in ASL about something?.

I cannot dance anymore, I'm very auditory, but can visualize a dancer in my mind and she just moves, just like that, amything I chose Carmen, Swan lake !.

I can remeber getting on a chopper, not speaking the language in the waiting cabun,
nor hearing him over the noice outside. I got from arm gesture telling me idiote, to keep my head down as I was going ( well I think it kept my head from being chopped off while going on board).

The wolves, not sure could have my friends perception. I read that there are no orphan's and the pack takes care of cubs. I found that so beautiful ( appart from their physical beauty).

Regarding the law there s track-record, they will have to justify later when your sword is out again when you pick it up and ready ?

I learned with the law you sometimes have to let them proceed to give a no so you can get a yes justified later.

I'm doing this reply not from a pc, its frustrating not to have your entire posting up to see and this little screen bouncing up and down all the time. Would like to respind.more from a pc.

 

[Yugogypsy]

I know it's been a long while since I've responded. Had a terrible uphill battle and lost it a few times along the way. I'm grounded for now.

Yes, I have a very strong visual memories - be it in written English and ASL. Whenever a teacher gives a test based on the lecture notes, most of my learnings is in ASL and I would have a note taker on the side. So when I come across something that I don't remember the question/answer stated in English (from books and notes), I would fall back on my memories of lectures in ASL. In class, I would focus on what I learned in ASL and then at home, I would study in English (books, lectures, notes).

From my teaching trainings, I learned that there's four different types of learning styles: Auditory, visual, kinetic and words (I can't remember the fourth learning style)... Some people do better learning through their ears. Some learn through their eyes. Some learn through hands on. Some learn via language (words in any languages - like getting instructions, etc). I learn through my eyes (written English and ASL) and kinetic. I grew up having difficulty receiving instructions so I always ask them to show me, not tell me. Not all Deaf people learn like I do - there's diversity within the Deaf community.

There's lone wolves - those who are rejects, in search for their places in the pack or create a new pack on their own. They just have to fight their way. Yes, they adopt and yes, they fight to get a place in the pack. Young cubs are easy to train and at the same time, they fight to get milk amongst other siblings. There's always a runt in the pack. My girls (Bugsy and Rascal) are both reversed runts... smiling.... Bugsy was a runt and she fought. She can be aggressive and I have to remind her of her place in the pack as the leader of the pack. Now Rascal is the most submissive one in the whole pack and I don't need to even reprimand her. I have three dogs but I take care of my girls while my significant other take care of his boy.

The laws and those who are involved with the laws are outdated. When new things comes up in the society, there's no law regarding such. Like for example, the internet. Laws have a long way to catching up with them - politicians fight amongst each other, create a law and then enforcer enforce it - New glitch in the new law, more fights in the court and then new things - the stuff goes so long. With my battle, I couldn't let the untrained do their job because the last time I did it, they made a HUGE mess out of my life - that's why I'm fighting this. When this is all over, I'm going to travel across the country solo (yes, freaking out some people who thinks that Deaf people shouldn't be doing this - oh, how ignorant!) to visit my romping grounds, my roots, to refresh, to gain better perspectives on things.

So for now (not at this moment as I'm writing this), I'm angry at the hearing world and I've decided that I cannot be a good worker if I'm this way. Until I gain a good solid ground, I'll come back to teaching, acting and directing - however long it will take, I dunno.

 

[Yugogypsy]

I made a posting a while back regarding my situation and I can't see to find it to do the "to be continued" phase of my life since my last entrance. Now I found it....Recently, I've had nightmares about hearing men smothering me and turning into mean wolves with fangs and fangs turning into shark's jaws. I studied wolves so I know what to expect. I've been seeing a PTSD counselor since last year. My recent nightmare has opened up a pandora box of closed businesses which I shut out years ago. As a Deaf woman, when you've been abused and there's no qualified therapist fluent in American Sign Language (ASL) and understanding in Deaf culture back in the '80's, you deal with it by shutting it down and shutting it out as a teenager. Now I'm older, I'm able to deal with this unresolved issue with older eyes and older mind. There was no help for the Deaf back then like there's some help today (not fully accessible yet but at least we have some help now than before).


Since the nightmare last week, I remembered some of what happened and still couldn't get some of the memory back. It feels like I lost half of the memory after shutting it out. By the way, it was sexual abuse by the hearing man who was a bus driver. So here's my "to be continue" saga parts of my life in discovering lost memories. Is that normal?