My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

I talked to the other student advisor today. She listened a bit better, but gave me the same answer. I have to redo the courses I failed and go to all the classes again. This includes parts of a statistics course I already passed, which I think is really unfair.

I will contact the exam committee again about a thesis I failed, of which I disagreed on the grade. It took them three months to send me a standard reply that a second "very experienced teacher" had already checked my thesis and had agreed with the initial grade, therefore my request for a new appraisal was denied. They obviously didn't even read my letter. If they were going to be so lazy about it, they could have emailed me that 3 months ago. At least then I would've had the chance to already rewrite the whole thing. Now, I have less than 2 days left before the next semester starts and I will have to attend those classes. And of course, I'll bet that by the time they reply to my second request, the course will have already finished. Stupid bureaucrats :mad:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Another annoying thing about today: some strange man was trying to chat me up while I was on my way home. I lied and told him I was engaged, and still he kept talking to me and complimenting me and showing me pictures of his kids. Sure, he probably meant no harm, but I don't like it when men that aren't my boyfriend talk to me like this. Usually the "I have a boyfriend" excuse works. Not this time. He was from Spain I think. Maybe being persistent is more common there.
I know for a fact it's not common for the Dutch. We are much more reserved. Sure, a conversation is nice, but don't push it. Combine pushy strangers with my ptsd and you get a very grumpy snowwhite, haha. Can't wait to get into bed and go to sleep. I hope tomorrow will be better.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That sounds annoying.

My experience is that men ARE more persistent in Spain. It's just their cultural strategy that they've learned from when young. Bug someone enough and eventually they'll cede. Hope you didn't let it get to you, can be weird (specially if you're Dutch).

Dear God. I had to do parts of the statistics course I had already passed, all over again too. I remember that ordeal. They can be a bureaucratic pain in the a** allright.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I had a nightmare last night. It's been a while since I last had one that represented my trauma. In my dream I got raped again in the exact same way, only by a different guy. I told my Mom in my dream and she replied with something like "oh honey, why did you let it happen again?". In reality, my mom would never say such a thing. I think in my dream she was representing me. Because that is still how a large part of me feels about it: like I let it happen.

I've started classes again and they're going OK, but I'm finding it hard to keep up. I've also forgotten to get a refill on my meds, so I'll not have enough to get through the weekend. I'll be filling it up with some valerian (natural stuff), so hopefully I can keep myself from collapsing already.

I keep looking for distractions instead of confronting myself with the work that needs to be done. Perhaps the current workload at uni is too much for me. That would really suck, because failing again is not an option.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm a mess today. I did something stupid which made me hypervigilant and then escalate into a starting panic attack. I am sort of calm now, but still very vigilant and scared. Not sure what to do with myself. I hope tomorrow will be better and that my fears will not come true.

 

[Anarchy]

Hugs Snow,
Hoping today has gone better.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, @Anarchy. I am feeling better now. hugs back :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Today was a strange and emotional day. I went to visit an old friend and at first we had a great time. We remenisced on old memories and had a lot of great laughs. I have this Dutch dating app for fun and we were checking out the guys near me. My friend was making suggestions on who to pick. It was all in good fun, until she actually selected him. My rapist. He was there, a few blocks from where I was. And my friend was telling me he looked cute.
I freaked out and blocked him on the app immediately. I'd been afraid I'd find him there or run into him in that city. But to actually see that he was in such a close proximity.. I felt violated and humiliated all over again. And you know what he's doing now? He's getting a PhD. A f***ing PhD. While I'm a complete mess, dependant fully on antidepressants and barely able to take care of myself, let alone get through my studies in a normal period of time. Just HOW and WHY is that bastard so f***ing happy and successful?!! Isn't there any justice in this world? Where the f*** is karma??

It is just so frustrating and sickening that my rapist not only got away with what he did, but he is flourishing. He is smart he's accomplishing stuff. My friend told me he looked cute!!

I just can't take this. How am I supposed to deal with this? I have worked so hard to get him out of my brain even though he is there every day reminding me of what he did to me. At least I could pretend that he was far away, that he could not get close to me anymore. But he can. He was there and he could get close to me. I could have actually bumped in to him. He would have loved that. He got off on making me feel like a pathetic piece of trash that no one would ever love. I'll bet he would do that again in a heartbeat, if he were given the chance.

My friend does not know about what happened and she didn't understand why I reacted like this. All I could tell her was that he did a lot of damage in the days when I knew him. I was glad to get more into a dissociative state rather than a panicked one. When I went back home it felt like I was sleepwalking. Now, I am mostly just numb. I just don't know anymore. I want to skip ahead to when I'm better and have finished my education. I wish I had the time and room in my place to have a pet. I need someone to snuggle up with, someone who will love me unconditionally and not ask questions.

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you kind thoughts and platonic hugs.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Anrish]

I'm sorry to read about that...and I'm glad at the same time that you didn't run into him.

Send you lots of hugs and strength. ...don't get mad about his PhD, he might have failed in many other areas of life you don't know about. ...you're a fighter and you can do it. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sending a friend who offers unconditional hugs and will cuddle with you during this time.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Snow, I am so very sorry that this happened. To me hat would be so terrorfying and I think you handled the situation the best you could at the time. Hugs.