My world just exploded!

[lostforgottensoul]

OMFG! I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED! MY ENTIRE WORLD JUST EXPLODED!

This is going to be very long and all over the place. I will try to back explain/back fill things as I go for those that aren't familiar with my current situation. And there is a lot of events that recently happened and that just happened yesterday. A LOT so this will be going fast, will be long, and all over the place. Will do the best I can as my mind space is insane right now.

My dad & step mom currently live with me. Due to a few reasons. My accident in '09 is when my dad came up to KS and brought me back down to live in his house as it took 2 yrs to be able to walk again and a quite a bit longer to be able to work again and then I got my own apartment but due to needing to pay $500 for Cobra for 7 months (contractor for 4 then a 90 day wait so I had no choice as I needed insurance at that point) and couldn't pay rent + bills & food + Cobra so he moved in to pay the Cobra alone and then I paid the rent and bills. After I gained group insurence, they moved out. This was about 3 yrs ago. I lived alone for a few months then my ex roommates were here for 10 months.


After my ex roommates moved out, my dad & step mom ended up moving back in due to VERY bad huffing duster addiction I had developed. It was really serious and life threatening and he [said] he was super worried about my well being. I had stopped huffing at that point but he moved in to be a physical presence to help me stay clean. To be "support", though that was not what happened.


I am clean now and circumstances have changed, new job, more pay, etc, where I am preparing to be on my own fully again for the first time since my accident other then those 2 months. We planned this. Lease is up in Oct, he would stay until then, I take the rent money he gives me to stay here ($400) and deposit it all 100% in a savings or have him directly deposit it in there and I not touch that money or even look at it so that my income alone is paying all the bills to be sure its sustainable and since my car is about to die any day now for the hundredth and final time, take his rent money that will be going into a saving account, save it up for a new car. That way, when he moves, I have a dependable car as well. All planned out. We have all of this shit planned out.

My step mom is an opioid (pain pill) and benzo (xanax) addict. That is a fact. However, she went up to visit her daughter and grand daughter, got high, they sent her home and my step mom did the right thing. Right away, made an appointment with her prescribing Dr, went with my dad and she herself advised her Dr that she was addicted to both, wants off both meds but needs help. Right off the bat he cut them both in half and is tiering her off of them. No rehab gone to yet though there was some talk among us about it, but the Dr never mentioned it. So she is going off what her Dr says, as she should. I wanted to call her Dr the last few times she got high and MY DAD told me not to.

Keep in mind that my step mom is unemployed, disabled (and cannot work) but she cannot get disability as she waited too long to file again and now she can't file. She is also uninsured and they didn't take out ObamaCare because they couldn't afford it. So no income, can't work, no insurance.

My dad had to pay an extra $200 on his credit card to change my step mom's plane ticket to come home (when her daighter sent her home) and so since he already had one to go see my brother for 2 weeks, he went so he didn't have to pay more again to cancel his plane ticket. He asked me to drive his car to work, to keep the car keys from my step mom, and to buy what my step mom needs (such as super expensive cigs) and to keep the receipts and he would pay me back when he got home. So I did. His coming home plane ticket is this Wed, 7/5.


Ok, now all the back filled info, onto what just happened to make my world crash in on me. Well first, my step mom's addiction, what happened at her daughter's and going to her Dr about her addiction and being tiered off her pain medication and Xanax is what happened recently. So onto what happened yesterday. We got a call from my brother. He said "Dad is staying here and not coming back". WHAT? WHY? And what about my step mom? She has no income, I cannot afford her room and board nor can I afford her medications (things like blood pressure meds, gout meds, things she must take daily). What about buying what she needs while he was "visiting my brother for 2 weeks" and paying me back when he got back? What about taking his name off my lease? I believe he must be there physically to do that. But even if he doesn't, he has a wife here and a car here and all his shit here (and most of the remainder is at one of my sister's house). They said that my step mom "can come up there" but she must go to rehab first. Ok, what rehab? Who is paying for that? They said "you can be in rehab for a year". I have NEVER seen a rehab keep someone a year for drugs and even if they do, who is paying for that? She has zero income! If it is a State paid rehab, those are 2 week programs and there is a long waiting list. We already called. So, how can I afford her room and board and needed must take medications while waiting? I mean, this is complete abandonment of everything. Abandoning his wife, his daughter (again), and his responsibilities and obligations.


I called another sister and learned that first, he gave my brother and his wife power of attorney. Why? He is of sound mind! He is 75 but still of sound mind. He DOES NOT have dementia or even the start of dementia. Nothing is wrong with his mind. I made sure he was checked for that as he did start to show signs of possible start of dementia but he is negative for any sign of dementia so I think he just doesn't pay attention and just has normal "elderly forgetfulness". But it's not like he is a danger to himself and cannot handle his own money and needs someone to do things for him. He is fully capable of living alone and taking care of himself and handling his own money and drive and everything else. Just because he forgets where he laid the remote or repeats things at times does not mean he isn't of sound mind. That is not the case as I made sure he got checked for any signs of dementia and they are not there and the VA says he is of sound mind. So why the f*ck does he need power of attorney. And why would that not go to his wife, which is his next of kin? And if that is due to her being an addict, that is being taken care of.


Another one of my sisters stated that they saw him stumbling, he doesn't eat well, and he does too much here and isn't being taken care of like he should be. Per my brother and his wife. First, he eats what he wants. He is a big boy and I do not tell him what to eat. My other sister did that and it drove him insane. And his legs always hurts because he has neuropathy in his legs but refuses to take the gabapentin as he states it makes him too sleepy the next day, though I do advise him several times a week to take it. I cannot force it down his throat. Not sure where the stumbling is coming in. I have never seen him stumble. Also, he does too much? He sits at the desk playing scrabble while watching Fox News and/or a sports game ALL DAY LONG. He never moves. At all. I will ask him to clean his own messes that he makes in the kitchen, take out the garbage, and to go to the store once a week for food (as food is part of his rent - he pays rent plus buys food for us all) and takes my step mom the Dr once a month and goes down the street to Walgreens to fill her prescriptions and that's it. Unless he decides to go down to the VFW, he is home, sitting on the desk chair in the living room, playing scrabble and watching Fox News all day long. So, how the f*ck does he do too much?


But, my dad has his own f*cking brain. So HE is deciding to not come back, not send money to me for HIS WIFE, and just walk away from all of his obligations and responsibilities here. So, now I have a step mom at my house that I cannot afford to take care of. Her kids cannot take her in. What the f*ck do I do? I cannot put my car in my name until after 7/24 because I am in training at work, Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm and must have 100% attendance. I have no choice in the matter. He knows this. And, in my opinion, transferring my current car into my name is a huge waste of money. I was going to leave it in my dad's name, pay way less insurance, NOT pay for tags and title and then just save to buy another car. If I do that, I don't have to pay to transfer it but rather just sell it. I have the title and had my dad sign the seller line on the back of the title without a date on purpose so I could transfer it or sell it without him needing to do anything. So now, instead of just needing money for a new car and tags and title for that new car but I also need tags and title for my current car. That is double the money! Why?


And, again, he dumped HIS wife on me without the ability to financially support her, at all!


I have no idea what to do. I called the one and only sister that speaks to me and she accidentally started this by saying "you have power of attorney, you can do this". But, she agrees that this is super wrong in every direction and says she will speak to my brother and his wife but I have no idea if anything will work. My dad needs to get his ass on the plane on the 5th! If he wants to move to MI, fine, but wrap this shit up first and take your f*cking wife! Don't just drop her on me! I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO SUPPORT HER! I do not get why these people cannot get this!

I called my brother, whom has not spoken to me in years. He didn't answer and his voicemail cuts off so I had to leave a quick message. It sounded mean but I stated I do not have the money to support my step mom.

This is such f*cked up shit! I have no idea what I am looking for here. I am so sorry that this is long and all over the place without a direct question. I am hysterical, didn't sleep, can't concentrate in training at work, and cannot eat. My dad just did EXACTLY what the rest of them did. Broke all promises and just flat out abandoned me and his wife and just dropped his wife on me. I just want him to face one f*cking thing in his life! Just one! Instead of running from the shit.

Now they have my cell number. They didn't have it due to nasti-grams and shit but god dammit, I need an answer. They are not allowing my dad to talk to either one of us. He spoke to my step mom last night, refused to speak to me, and now we cannot get ahold of him. They said he was "distraught" the first week there. What? He was f*cking fine when he left! What the f*ck is happening? What do I do? I am so lost here!

 

[blueangel371115]

Wow, just wow. You can't afford her and you shouldn't be expected to. Maybe check her into a women's shelter. She doesn't seem to be helping you to help her either. Can you talk to your father and ask him what happened, in his own words? I would, as for me all kinds of warning bells are going off. I don't necessarily believe he wasn't compelled to come home and to leave her behind. They are more apt to want to help him out than an addict step-mom. They figure she's already there and you'll take care of it. Out of sight, out of mind. Maybe I'm horrible but this is my feeling at first blush. They figure they can handle Dad but not Step-mom and needed an excuse why she should stay. If you can't either, I wouldn't. But you can't help those who aren't ready to accept. That also would stand to reason with the power of attorney thing. They don't trust her and don't want her in control. But usually, IF the person is of sound mind, they file for it and not a third party. I'd discuss things with your father, alone, somehow and see if you can get a feel for what went on. Something seems fishy to me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can you talk to your father and ask him what happened, in his own words?

No. He refused to speak to me when he was talking to my step mom last night. He doesnt have his own phone and neither my brother or his wife is answering calls from me or my step mom now. We've left many messages on both cell phones. I have one of my sisters calling and my step mom's son is trying as well. But no one spoke to me or will speak to me.

Something seems fishy to me.

Yeah, no shit!

But, my father will not speak to me. Why? I had nothing to do with what happened with my step mom at her daughters. Why is it all falling on me?

I'm going to call both of my step's mom's kids too. I need a life line here!

 

[blueangel371115]

That sounds like a good course of action. They need to take responsibility for her, not you. If someone has to, other than herself. Why they aren't is beyond me. I would be mad. I'd almost put her in rehab and send the bill to them if they won't help. They have more obligation to her than you. Sounds horrible but the way I see it, it's also the truth.

 

[Justmehere]

You can't change them. Don't get into all the horrible wrongs by everyone else. Focus on how this is beyond your limits and abilities to pay for her needs. Be clear about your limits and the consequences of what is going to happen unless she finds help: i.e. she may end up homeless and etc.

Heck, maybe that will help her reach out to them HERSELF to get help with the addiction and housing etc. Even two weeks in a rehab center connects her to a lot of support for what happens when she leaves rehab.

You or her, or anyone involved, can also call social services too. She can apply for a number of programs such as AND, SSI, food stamps, Medicaid, and on and on. She may even qualify for HCBS services that can provide a lot more assistance. She clearly does have some resources to be able to pay for the drugs.... it doesn't cruelly help her et well for you to provide a free home while she gets high.

You won't get anywhere trying to change your family members. If trying to change then worked, it would have worked by now.

You may also need to seek a new roomie, and let them know that you are planning to have a new roommate move into the room by xyz date. That might help your step mom and everyone else realize there's a deadline to start taking some kind of action for her to get help and housing that's more appropriate.

ETA: also consider Al-anon - there are a ton of very common issues happening here for families where addiction is present. Connecting to others dealing with this kind of stuff might help you set and keep the boundaries you need to get through this and find ways to survive so that your world doesn't explode when addicts and their enablers screw up on commitments to you.

 

[Friday]

Unless things have changed from when I lived there, and it may have, it was actually pretty common in FL for people to be in rehab 6-12mo. It was one of the quirky things about the state. Free healthcare through the ER, and rehab easily lasting a year. If the youth facility in Blackwater? Even longer. But let's say that's no longer true, it still doesn't matter, as they just want her to have gone through rehab. Which is reasonable. A condition of her joining her husband is taking care of her shit.

Breaking everything else down?

- You dad went to go visit your brother, they're deeply concerned with his health & want to help. He's agreed to that. He's given them power of attorney so they can take care of everything for him. That's not not insane. It's pretty reasonable.

- Your stepmom has been given a condition that she has to go to rehab before he's willing to take her back. Also not insane & very reasonable.

- Both you & your brother have some logistics to deal with, as you two hold powers of attorney.

***

Maybe consider it a kindness in helping to pay him back? He's dropped everything twice to help take care of you in an emergency (your accident & your addiction), now he's having an emergency and you're the one with the power to be able to help him. Yes, it means living on your own 3 months sooner than you'd planned, but that sounds like it's manageable now with the new job.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I'm sorry. The world just shits lately and some of us end up as the toilet paper. I honestly don't know what to tell you other thank, keep your head up, and lots of coping skills.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can't advise at the moment as I am in training class at work but my brother called and talked to me straight and advised me what he was doing, why, whats happening and all so i will advise just as soon as I can. But, just wanted to let everyone know he called me and so I will update everyone in a few hrs.

 

[Sideways]

Hugely inconvenient and an expensive way of handling it? Sure, absolutely, and that's really crappie. Hope the financial stuff gets sorted soon.

But you'd already decided, several times over, that your dad and step mom living with you wasn't working and they needed to go. It's a bit dramatic (and v expensive) for it to have come to this, but it wasn't working, for any of you.

Your world hasn't fallen apart or exploded or imploded... It's a big big unexpected and very expensive stressor. But it's actually ok. It's going to be ok.

 

[IamJenna]

Wow. That would send anyone into a complete panic.
Really isn't nice to have had no warning at all. & it feels like they aren't really acknowledging your needs & financial circumstance in this situation at all.
It sounds like your step mum has been dumped on you sadly as no-one wants to have to deal with this.
It makes sense for your dad to make conditions on her needing to go to rehab before considering continuining the relationship & also seeking help from your brother... however they all seemed to have missed a massive fact of the reality that this is totally inconsiderate! As you physically cannot (& shouldn't have to) pay for your step mum & magically solve her active addiction!! How annoying.
This all could have worked out if they had only took the time to ask you before jumping so quickly into action.
It feels very impulsive.
I hope that you get a chance to have your say & set your boundaries.
As much as your step mum (& dad indirectly) clearly need help. This does not mean it's your sole responsibility. & it definitely does not mean that people get to make any decisions on your life without your consent either. That's just my view on this.
I really hope this all works out for you soon.
Take it easy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Unless things have changed from when I lived there, and it may have, it was actually pretty common in FL for people to be in rehab 6-12mo.

No. Especially not State paid. Its 30 - 60 days at most. And the ones that my dad called was 2 week detox. State paid sucks. She has no insur.

So, here is what my brother said (and my sister has called me since and there is a falisy in this). Basically, they are saying my dad is her enabler. Which is correct but taking that person, her husband and only support, besides me, isn't a good idea and what they are saying has BIG holes.

Basically, they are putting it on her kids. Her son has borrowed over 5 grand and her daughter owes like 10 grand BUT its not like they have all of this money all at once. He said he doesn't want me to pay anything and she isnt my responsibity but it all still falls on me in the end.

He basically said she has 30 days to figure it out. My dad gave me a check for next month"s rent and that is rent for July (though he isnt accounting for food and her other medications as well as cigs. Meds and cigs i aint buying but she has to eat).

He also spoke about me buying out my dad's car loan. He said there is roughly $3200 left on it, which is fine with me, it isnt with my step mom. Though her name isnt on the car loan, I am unsure my dad can do that, legally. And then my sister asked, ok, say she doesn't go into treatment, then what. And she asked my brother's wife "what about [lostforgottensoul]?" And she said (this was text) that I am 36 yr old grown adult. Basically leaving me to kick her out. Which is illegal in Florda. Yiu have to go down and evict them which is $500, last I checked, and it takes time. You go to the court house.

Basically, my sister is concerned that now my step mom has zero support, her husband has abandoned her, and now I am faced with support her (money wise), which I can't do, or kick her out, which I can't do, or evict her, which I can't do, at the end of the month if she isn't in a rehab. A long term rehab. Dual diagnosis would be the place she needs but they are expensive. Even with State substadies. And then she said "well, you can use the car until I leave but then you are on your own". Like I am the enemy here.

It is all f*cking crazy and now I am still worried about my car and my stuff and all of this is being handled anyway, by the Dr. It was being handled before they got involved. My brother was talking about dad eating hotdogs and my sister said he has always eaten hotdogs. My brother said he lost weight since he has been up there cause he has to walk more and just, i don't know. I just dont get this. So now, I am still faced with kicking my step mom out on the street which isnt even legal to do or spending every penny of the money i had saved for my car and then my car dying and being f*cked. I just dont know what this is, or why they are involved at all. They got one of my dad's brothers and his wife involved as well and im like "great, just what she needs! For the family to turn on her like they did me!" And my sister was worried about my step mom comitting suicide and all of that and I am like now freaked over that now!

Like, what the f*ck just happened? I don't understand!

 

[Sideways]

Have you spoken to your step mom about what she wants to do?

ETA: good gawd that sounded awful!?

What I mean is: let's take it as a given that dad isn't ok and isn't coming back to fix his wife's situation any time soon. Sounds like maybe, apart from the finances, he's best off living somewhere else. Good, great, let's use that as our new boundary: best that dad doesn't live with you any more,so let him and your brother sort out his living situation from this point.

Step mom obviously can't stay with you. That's not gonna work for either of you. Aside from her addiction issues, you guys really (really) don't get along, she interferes with you service dog and is generally a very difficult housemate to have around.

So what's she planning on doing with herself? She's clearly not welcome living with you, so what is she going to do to sort her own life out?

You have responsibility for her meds? Maybe make it clear to all concerned that you won't/can't take on any more responsibilities re her? She's actually her own problem, not your problem, you know?