Nan died

[Ice_Fire]

some of you may know my story I'm sure a lot who read my diary will read this too. Nan is my world, she's everything. She's gone...I can't believe she's gone.

When I was about 7 or 8 and things were really bad with my parents, I made a pact with myself, a promise to myself. That I only had to stay alive as long as Nan was alive and then I could let go of everything. Commit suicide. Well she's gone.

It would destroy my dad and my girlfriend. So I feel like I've swapped not hurting nan and therefore being unable to for not hurting them and not being able to. But God do I want to. I've not hurt myself and because of them I won't kill myself. Even though I want to. I don't know how to get through this.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi, @Ice_Fire... Why is it so bad that you want to kill yourself?... I'm sorry about ur nan... And I've not read your diary....

Would support, medication and therapy help.? There are phone lines too that you can access?.
I don't want you to kill yourself and I don't think anyone on here does either.
You must be in alot of pain to even think about such things... Do you want to talk about it?.....
Big hugs and please take care.... Im sure you deserve to be happy... And right now it doesn't feel like that.. But it's temporary.... The pain gets easier and you have loved ones who care about you... What would your nan say?

 

[Esterio]

Hi there Ice_fire
I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my Sincere Condolences. I am glad you are thinking about others and that is stopping you from taking your life. You still have lots to live for, your Nan's wish would be for a long happy life for you. Try to live with her memories to guild you. I think of my Granny everyday she was a special person to me. I was very close to her and miss her. I have many good memories of her. I'm glad you are alive and I think you are a person that contributes good to this world.
Peace be safe

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand your plan because I had planned to commit suicide when my husband died and had family members to stay alive for and it was impossible for a long time for me.

As you can tell, I am still alive without sans family. So if I can do this you are able to live on honoring your nan. She is now inside of you forever and once you are able to heal after a long time of grieving her being gone, you will be reconnected with her once again and you will feel her presence once again in a heart way. I promise you this to give you some real hope to be able to hang on one day at a time.

She would want you to live on surely you know this in your grief stricken heart. If you get real quiet you will be hearing her voice again saying the things that made her so special and unique to you. It is crushing to lose a person that loved you so much that you loved and that love does not die in spite of real death separating you now.

You are technically her child because she raised you and you became the fine young adult with lots of gifts that have come from her love and support of you.

Hang tight, things have changed drastically and it will take a long time for your heart to be able to catch up to everything. I still believe that you are in shock and in disbelief so just continue to take the best care of you that you are doing now.

Because of your love for your Nan, you taught me to care about her too and I believed you because of that great love and learned to care for her too. It will take a very time to be able to work through your grief and how my heart goes out to you because I realize how much this fact just hurts so much.

We will be there for you in honoring your Nan and to keep her memory alive for you. We will keep you alive and going forwards in spite of how difficult it is to do.

I am so glad to know you and to have learned so much from your Nan in how to love and support my own family. So thank you for sharing your wonderful relationship with me all of these past years. You have treasure trove of really great memories to go through after a long time. You still have her to live for you just have not learned this yet because the loss of her is so vast.

Just take it minute by minute if you can, It does help a little:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ice_Fire I’m so sorry for your loss. My grandfather was to me, what your nan was to you, so I understand your pain and feeling of loss.

 

[Freida]

If you want to honor her stay here, even though it is painful, and show the world what you learned from her about coping in the worst of times. Then you pass that on to someone else who is desperate. You become their Nan. That is how you honor her memory

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so very very sorry @Ice_Fire :cry: :( , at a loss for words but xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox. :( ((((((( @Ice_Fire )))))))))

I understand as much as to say, 'how do you keep living when your reason for living is gone?'

I was given this saying in such a time once, from someone themself deeply grieving, 'there is no sorrow on Earth Heaven cannot heal'. You are doing her a great honour of coming here and hanging on & posting. Living through this is testimony of how much you loved (love) and respected her and how you feel and.the struggle testimony to what an amazing woman she was. (That's obvious. You are too, thanks also to her, and others will be, thanks to you, too.)

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[whiteraven]

I am so very sorry, @Ice_Fire. Both for your immense loss and the struggle you have with your feelings of wanting to die. I have always said that once my mom was gone, I'd kill myself but in truth, I know how hard that would be for her in life and I would not want to dishonor her in death.

Take care of yourself during this very difficult time. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

Sorry for your loss, @Ice_Fire.

Though echoing what others said - She'll be here as long as you are, please stay.

 

[8888]

So sorry for your loss. I bet your nan wouldn't want you to kill yourself. Maybe knowing that could be helpful. :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

My condolences to you and yours.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks everyone. I'm having a tearful day. After our holiday a couple of months ago she wanted me to stay home rather than going back to where I'm living. I thought she was just missing me but it's like she knew and wasn't saying. If I'd have just come home...:cry: