Naseous and avoiding job applications

[SeekingAfrica]

My budget has been broken all year and I hate it. I am trying to budget and work more and stabilize, but ultimately without savings- one bad week and few life setbacks(winter clothes etc) was enough to lead to a spiral of delayed reactions and postponement and anxiety.

I'm trying to give myself a break. I'm trying to set goals and aim to improve my finances.
With teaching and online work for now, local full time work and online work in January.

I'm trying to be frugal most of the time, I've been avoiding things that generally help me, but to avoid expenses, and avoid getting any food outside of what is already at home even if I'm lacking something. IN any case it will be a process.

I simply Don't make enough right now, not yet, so any setback is worse.

I missed few days panicking and dissociating. I worked the classes I had, but nothing else. Today I don't have classes so I made a list of what I'm applying for. I haven't started and I feel behind. And my head feeds fuzzy and overfilled and like I'm having a constant migraine and I'm nauseous from worry, which makes any longer task impossible. How do I begin? I'm getting so much anxiety the whole world is blurry and wobbly. I don't know how I keep getting this anxiety no matter what I have worked before, it's like my mind never learns.
Please help....

I feel like an awful person when I'm not even trying to improve anything.

But of course that makes the anxiety worse and the nausea too...

 

[arfie]

I feel like an awful person when I'm not even trying to improve anything.

excuse me? if i have been understanding your posts well, you have been working consistently and diligently to improve your condition. appreciate the fullness of time, my friend. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. great works of art take time to manifest. "overnight successes" often take decades and an MFL (mind-f*ck load) of work to coalesce.

I'm trying to give myself a break. I'm trying to set goals and aim to improve my finances.
With teaching and online work for now, local full time work and online work in January.

i have heard it said in job-hunting seminars that the most common mistake made in job-interviews is taking the job. a job which is a bad fit will grow into unmitigated misery for both the employee and the employer. it's worth waiting for the right fit. trust your instinct. working to give yourself a break can include rest and self-care to prepare yourself for that right fit.

But of course that makes the anxiety worse and the nausea too...

well duh. . . i hold that as a most excellent place to ply that self-care to help me get ready for that right fit. a motto i like to live by is, "when the time is right, all the pieces will be there." calming that anxiety and nausea is critical in singing like you don't need the money.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

excuse me? if i have been understanding your posts well, you have been working consistently and diligently to improve your condition. appreciate the fullness of time, my friend. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. great works of art take time to manifest. "overnight successes" often take decades and an MFL (mind-f*ck load) of work to coalesce.

i have heard it said in job-hunting seminars that the most common mistake made in job-interviews is taking the job. a job which is a bad fit will grow into unmitigated misery for both the employee and the employer. it's worth waiting for the right fit. trust your instinct. working to give yourself a break can include rest and self-care to prepare yourself for that right fit.

well duh. . . i hold that as a most excellent place to ply that self-care to help me get ready for that right fit. a motto i like to live by is, "when the time is right, all the pieces will be there." calming that anxiety and nausea is critical in singing like you don't need the money.

Jeez... the kindness of this literally made me burst in tears as I've not been very kind to myself today.
It just felt like I'm doing what I'm doing but if I'm still in the black financially then I'm not doing enough. Anxiety is not really logical.
It just felt like I want to scream in the void from how much pain I'm in, yet couldn't move.

I get what you're saying.
Doesn't change how I feel at this moment, but I'm hoping my brain accepts it eventually.
For now I need to calm down. May be finally apply to something tonight or take a step towards better.
But now I'm in the nonfunctional zone. Not the worst one I've been through but concerning. So I got to breathe.

 

[arfie]

at the risk of getting lost in metaphor --AGAIN. . .

it helps me to sort my feelings from my facts. facts don't change, no matter how hard i wish at them. feeling change, mix and fissure like water through a stony brook.

when my psychoses are running high, i work with the facts as best i can with many reminders to be gentle with myself and patient with the process. feelings i vent like verbal vomit until the waters of my stony brook are running clear enough to drink from.

i am going to hazard a guess that you need an extra 20 minutes at your ballet bar. make it an hour, followed by yoga in the park.

"an hour of meditation is sufficient, unless you are very busy. then you need two hours." ~francis de assisi

 

[SeekingAfrica]

And I got stuck. I'll be brutally honest I got so STUCK, all of December especially. My students were on break, and my clients and my already behind budget fell apart. And I spend days so depressed I only did 3 repeating things that gave me some reprieve from feeling like I couldn't breathe. Watching funny videos, playing one Harry potter game which is based on taking classes and changing appearance and learning magic( so like Sims but in hogwarts so better), and reading. And just hour by hour day by days survival and swallowing the fallout of the lack of work. And while I felt I always had only 2 days before things fell apart, here I am in January like I'm stuck in time and space. And it just feels WORSE.

I have been in avoidance loops but I still don't know how I get out of them. Though this one is worse at times. Feels like I literally can't sit to figure out what to do because thinking of it is too much. And I feel more disgusted with myself every passing day. I can't sleep, workout, I stopped journaling. I'm surviving. Not cool at all.

I need to snap out of this.
and once again I Don't feel like I can control myself from stupid impulsive actions that Don't help or lose time, and it still feels like there is no time.