I am in the final year of my degree and the pressure's really getting on. I have been missing lectures (morning ones because I've been oversleeping a lot lately, and I just can't face going in, being around people). I've been procrastinating over my big project as well - we can only get feedback until the 10th of this month and I've barely written anything. I took a module that means I spend a week in January with a group of people going in 9-5 for seminars, discussions and us preparing/giving talks (a huge issue I lose sleep over and feel sick and start shaking about) - just thinking about this makes me want to cry and I would if I could but I can't. And there's preliminary reading for it and I haven't even made a start on it. Too late to change modules and the only one I could have done instead also involves giving talks but at least I wouldn't have been letting other people down. I find it hard to start anything because work makes me feel stupid. I just can't concentrate and it takes me so long to get something into my head I just end up feeling really stupid.
Not helped by the fact I feel like I should be continuing on in academia. Can't tell if it's just my loss of interest in practically everything or if I'm really not interested enough in the course to continue with it postgrad. Feel too stupid to be in academia. As the only time anyone ever paid attention to me when I was a kid was when I did well in school I find a lot of my self worth tied up in it. Finding out I can't cope with it and it's probably not for me is kind of destroying me. I don't know what I want from life at all now.
Generally not wanting to socialise with my flatmates, feel so hollow I can't face them trying to talk to me so I've started avoiding communal areas when others are about. I feel bad for my boyfriend because he sees how empty and broken I feel whereas up until recently I was able to pretend I was fine around the others and I think sometimes he wishes I could do that around him.
Doctor said there's not any point in booking CBT until after Christmas since I'll be at home (a whole other can of worms involving keeping my "happy face" on around my parents and trying to fight off panic attacks and flashbacks whenever I have to go into a room/talk to someone involving abuse) so I'm on my own. Few friends left in my home town and they don't really do the whole "emotionally open" thing very well (tried to talk to best mate about a few dark times in my life but the whole thing was awkward so I just shut up). Don't feel able to be open with people anyway. My boyfriend will be at the other end of the country and is potentially busy for most of it. Visiting him means a whole other lot of pressure in trying to be normal around his parents. And just silly things too - haven't bought any Christmas presents yet and can't think of anything and I have to get people presents and they have to be good. But I can't think of anything. Can barely do the food shop as it is.
I need a break. Relatively speaking there is very little going on in my life but I can't even face that. I want to get away from it but I have nowhere to go and there's nothing I can think of that I could do to make myself feel better. Spent a few hours today just staring at nothing, I just feel so empty. I have felt like self harming but haven't, and SI occasionally drifts in but it's usually followed by an "I don't want to die I'm just fed up of feeling like this" thought, which is something to hold onto I guess. It's just all too much at the moment and all I want to do is run away and hide somewhere but there is nowhere and if I did people would know I was in a state and I don't want people to know that.
Not helped by the fact I feel like I should be continuing on in academia. Can't tell if it's just my loss of interest in practically everything or if I'm really not interested enough in the course to continue with it postgrad. Feel too stupid to be in academia. As the only time anyone ever paid attention to me when I was a kid was when I did well in school I find a lot of my self worth tied up in it. Finding out I can't cope with it and it's probably not for me is kind of destroying me. I don't know what I want from life at all now.
Generally not wanting to socialise with my flatmates, feel so hollow I can't face them trying to talk to me so I've started avoiding communal areas when others are about. I feel bad for my boyfriend because he sees how empty and broken I feel whereas up until recently I was able to pretend I was fine around the others and I think sometimes he wishes I could do that around him.
Doctor said there's not any point in booking CBT until after Christmas since I'll be at home (a whole other can of worms involving keeping my "happy face" on around my parents and trying to fight off panic attacks and flashbacks whenever I have to go into a room/talk to someone involving abuse) so I'm on my own. Few friends left in my home town and they don't really do the whole "emotionally open" thing very well (tried to talk to best mate about a few dark times in my life but the whole thing was awkward so I just shut up). Don't feel able to be open with people anyway. My boyfriend will be at the other end of the country and is potentially busy for most of it. Visiting him means a whole other lot of pressure in trying to be normal around his parents. And just silly things too - haven't bought any Christmas presents yet and can't think of anything and I have to get people presents and they have to be good. But I can't think of anything. Can barely do the food shop as it is.
I need a break. Relatively speaking there is very little going on in my life but I can't even face that. I want to get away from it but I have nowhere to go and there's nothing I can think of that I could do to make myself feel better. Spent a few hours today just staring at nothing, I just feel so empty. I have felt like self harming but haven't, and SI occasionally drifts in but it's usually followed by an "I don't want to die I'm just fed up of feeling like this" thought, which is something to hold onto I guess. It's just all too much at the moment and all I want to do is run away and hide somewhere but there is nowhere and if I did people would know I was in a state and I don't want people to know that.
