Need Advice, A Friend, Help, Anything, Pls

[LostnLonely]

I've read a few of the complete threads and I would like to thank everyone for your contribution(s). I feel more educated by other carers' posts as well as suffers' posts. Kudos for the courage to you all !!!

I am a carer and in a very, very bad situation right now. This is the 2nd time that I moved in with my BF and this is the 2nd time that he has turned into a man that I don't even know. This time, just like last time, I've been in his house for a few weeks before receiving an ultimatum to leave. Name calling has escalated to threats. I love him dearly, which is why I gave up everything after having moved to a different state to come back to him.

I'm starting to learn the signs from my bf- he stays up late, drinks a lot, swims around the house like a piranha, and accuses me of being off-standish. I am unable to be affectionate toward a man who yells at me for everything. Blames me for everything. Calls me names. And, as of last night, threatened my life. I really do love the guy I fell in love with but not the guy that is a mean bully.

He spent over 7 yrs in theatre and came back 2 mos ago because his blood pressure was elevated. Otherwise, we saw each other a couple of weeks every 3 - 4 mos. Maybe I was just too in love to realize what was going on before and now I do that we're together 24/7 (since I'm unemployed)? He calls me a worthless, pathetic loser, etc but I moved here for him and the job market sucks. I even pay him rent, buy my own food, etc. He rants that I "never do anything". Has anyone ever heard that before? I really am doing as much as I can and have had to cease my hobbies to save money. I don't know what he expects me "to do"???

He constantly tells me that I "imagined" or "invented" things. Granted he does have TBI and associated memory loss, but it feels like he's gas lighting me. He acts like the world's most caring boyfriend in front of others but is narcissistic to the core when we're alone.

If it's my fault, and I really am a pathetic, worthless loser, someone please tell me before I grow old this way. Otherwise, should I stay or should I go? And if I go, where will I go? I spent all of my savings moving to a different state with a better economy. I even discussed it with him beforehand since we weren't together at the time. But he begged for me to come back and I even had to sell things to make that happen.

Thanks again. Sorry for the long post. I am scared, locked up in the basement with my dog, and really, really need help.

Thanks for reading this,
C-

 

[Xibalba]

You should go. You need time to determine a few things (and all of them require time away from him in order to do so properly):

A.) Are you addicted to this situation?
B.) Are you truly in love, or addicted to this person?
C.) What is the nature of *his* problem -- answering this will provide some tangible evidence that it's not your fault. I can tell just from reading that this man has some issues he needs to work on, but you won't be able to "hear" me through your own filters, which are up and set to full power right now, due to your current state. (Again, you need to get away to have the freedom to think clearly.)
D.) What positives are you getting out of the relationship right now? (Never mind the negatives, you already know those. Ask what POSITIVES you are getting.)

But you have to do this AWAY, not in the environment.

Just start with a week or two, if you have a place to go. Don't promise anyone or yourself anything more than that. If it turns into months, then fine. If not, fine. Don't predict anything right now. Just get out and take a few days to calm down and then start thinking. See a therapist if you like,. But the answers are all inside you anyway.

 

[MurphyJB]

Oh C, it is NOT your fault. Don't ever let yourself think that.
PTSD is not an excuse to be abusive...and that is what he's doing.
Is he seeking help, has he been diagnosed?
Hang in there. Take care of yourself above all else.

Hugs to you.
MJ

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome, ((((Lost))))

May you find the strength to save yourself.

Please leave, call the nearest women's Domestic Abuse Hotline, and get help for yourself.

Locking yourself in a basement is NOT *a relationship*, it is a *hostage* situation.

Please treat it like the life-threatening situation it is. Whether by degrees of you having such a narrow, confined existance, or by his hand, your quality of life is what is the issue. *NOT* whatever is going on with him...but how you can help yourself. REGARDLESS of his PTSD or whatever.

You have worth. Your life has worth. You deserve to be safe, treated with respect, and to enjoy the moments of your life for you instead of pouring all of it into another human being.

As friends in Al-anon say... "It shouldn't take two people to live one person's life..."

May you find the strength to live YOURS. For YOU. You deserve it.

 

[LostnLonely]

Hi Xibalba, thanks so much for your reply.

I did forget to mention that he was diagnosed with PTSD 5 - 8 yrs ago by the military. I grew up in an abusive household, which is probably why I have stayed with him.

I am familiar with codependency (and alcoholism, etc) and "try" to make sure that I don't adopt those behaviors. You have a good point - I have considered it, but having a 3rd party make that observation illuminates a point that cannot be ignored.

Positives? Honestly, I can't think of any other than the possibility of spending the rest of my life with my best friend, which is my dream. I don't have anywhere to go. All of my friends here disowned me when I came back to him. I know I can't change him, don't want to change who he is, I just want him to stop being mean.

But then again, maybe that is who he is?

 

[LostnLonely]

MJ, thanks for your kind words. I posted what I did in order to get posts like yours to be a wake-up call that I can't ignore. He was diagnosed with PTSD (military) 5 - 8 yrs ago. I'd never seen this side of him until about 8 wks ago. I know virtually nothing about PTSD and I didn't know what is(not) acceptable behavior. He's my best friend in the whole world and I don't want to lose him if I don't have to.

I lost my job in Jun 2010. In Aug 2010 he was overseas and broke up with me. Sept 2010 I told him that if there was no chance of us getting back together, I was going to move someplace else where there were more jobs. Oct 2010 I sold almost everything that I had to get enough money to move 600 miles away. I thought that I'd never see him again, ever. Nov 2010 he came back to the states on leave, called, & wanted me back. I visited with him until Jan 2011 and we decided that I would move back. I did.

Now I feel like the biggest, most ignorant person on the earth. I'm still unemployed looking for work "here", which is not my favorite city and now I have to move again but have no funds or liquid property left. Aarrgggg.

But hearing your voice saying what you did really helps my decision making process. Like I said before, I can't ignore a completely unbiased opinion. My heart has been crying to stay with him but uttering the same words that you spoke.
Thanks so much for helping a complete stranger,
C-

 

[LostnLonely]

Hi BloominWinter, I appreciate your words so much. As of now, I've gotten 3 replies which means that I am not alone because there are people out there who care enough to write to me. That feels so good. I feel as though I have more strength because of all of you.

I have a dog that I love more than anything and there are no shelters here who accept pets.

I try to listen to what people say, esp those who I care about. I'm a fan of constructive criticism and believe that it makes me a better person. In a passive-aggressive fashion he "blows up" about every 7 - 10 days. I try to listen to what he says and not disregard what he's saying because of "how" he's saying it. I'm not perfect by any means. I just wanted to see what people who are more "experienced" with PTSD would say. At first I used to cry and try to reason with him, that didn't work. Then I tried to be a duck and not let him see that I was hurt. That did work at first, but then he turned into a bulldozer so that anytime I ask him not to do something because it hurts my feelings, he tells me to stop being a baby and suck it up, etc.

Funny, you mention Al-anon. I was introduced to it by a friend when I was 18 or 19 but didn't continue. Last month I started going back. I felt like it was selfish since the primary problem is not alcohol, although he does get a lot meaner when he drinks. I just wanted to sit in a room where I felt safe. I guess that says a lot, doesn't it? I don't want to be the victim. But am I being a victim by staying? Am I abandoning him if I leave?

I've already read your post at least 5 times and think that tomorrow I will print it along with the others to carry with me. Denial is a tough bear that can be overcome.

Thanks so much, I hope you know how much your letter means to me.
C-

 

[LostnLonely]

Is he seeking help, has he been diagnosed?

Hugs to you.
MJ

(Sorry forgot this part earlier.) When we got back together, couples counseling was a stipulation. I was finally able to get him to go in mid-Feb, which was long after a lot of stuff had already happened. We went to one initial appt and then 2 solo background interviews each. During one of BF's background interviews, the doc told him that he needed to go to another doc specifically for PTSD. (Yea!) When it came time for BF to make the first "couples" appt, he balked. (He has to make the appt since it's on his insurance.) It took him almost 3 wks to set the appt, which is this Wed. Today I found out that BF finally made the PTSD appt for next week as well. That will be his first one. That's another thing that makes it tough for me to give up on him- perceivably he will be getting help. I'm just trying to discern whether or not his behavior is due to PTSD or something else. Does it matter? I don't know.

Thanks for the hug, I really needed one,
C-

 

[AmyO]

Sweetie, it is definately NOT your fault!!! You are a wonderful and caring person that you gave up everything to be with him. You are in no way pathetic and you will never be able to do enough. The first step of an abuser is to separate you from your entire support system, then they brainwash you to the point your at. Blaming yourself.

Let me ask, if I may, do you tell yourself "If I just keep loving him, I can help him change?" or "He has had a hard life and I would be abandoning him if left." maybe "I should just try a little harder to be who he wants me to be."

I asked myself those questions for close to nine years, after every beating. The strength is in you and the help is there. I strongly agree with Bloom, you need to get out before you become more of a statistic than a victim. You have it seems reached the point where you want out but that is also up to you. We can offer the best advice we can give but in the end it is up to you. But you aren't alone. I am scared for your situation but I feel that you are obviously a strong person in a bad situation trying to keep that little bit of who you are before it's too late. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. You are in my prayers, and I wish the best for you. You are most worth it.

 

[LostnLonely]

Hi Amy, your words, like those of the others, ring true and I cry. I feel as though I am walking on the fence of denial with one side representing what I don't want to believe is true about him and the other representing what I don't want to believe about being "stranded" since I give up everything to be with him.

For the first 2 yrs, he didn't mind that I was an outdoorsy girl who only wore a little make-up and has very bad knees so heels aren't an option. In the past couple of months, I've had my hair highlighted, bought a curling iron, and would buy new clothes if I could afford them.

He has not placed his hands on me- it's all mental F-F games and name calling. Since I've gotten out of his "space" upstairs, he's e-mailed names. In the past he's texted- glad not this time.

As I type this it becomes so much more real. I keep thinking that something will change on Wed when we go to counseling. I don't know what to do. My job search is obviously at a standstill, I'm looking for boxes on craigslist, and trying to sell what little I have left to move. I don't know where I'll go and am trying to embrace the fact that I don't have anything tying me down but the gravity of it all is overwhelming.

I am lost and scared and have no idea what to do. Your words are what I needed to hear,
C-

 

[AmyO]

C- The confusion is normal. Even though it is just mind games and name calling, it is still abuse. It will become more and more real every day until you are out of it. But with everything else it will be a while before you can get free, completely. You are showing such strength by getting away from it that I feel your pain by the battle you have ahead. But when the chips are down you will be surprised by where you will get that burst of courage.

The jobs will come when you get on your own as you are obviously an intelligent woman. I don't know where you are at but check with your local Department of Human Services. Also, call the local women's shelter or abuse center and they have resources most of the time. I also got a lot of information from the Domestic Abuse Hotline you can find in the front of any phone book. Sometimes they even have interim shelter until they can find you different accomodations.

We always have hope that something will change, sometimes they just tell us what we want to hear. I was lucky enough that I got help at the end, because like you I had no money, nowhere to go and three young boys at my side. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You have the right to be treated like a human being. And you have the right to live a life without fear and insecurity. You are worth it. You have touched my heart as I feel like you are younger than I (40 years...choke :). But you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life thinking "What more could I have done?" There is nothing. I am here if you need an ear or shoulder and any help I can give willingly. Keep the faith and good luck.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Staying 'with' someone who is unhealthy for us is abandoning our SELF.

You deserve to save that self. The 'whys' of abuse matters not...every moment spent trying to reason out the unreasonable is giving away your precious life energy, which could be used on you. Which could be used to make you strong and healthy and ready to really be in a position to help...if he ever wants it enough to reach out for it.

I hope you speak to the survivor in you that sent out these messages, and gently ask yourself what YOU want...what YOU need.

...and give yourself permission to believe you DESERVE better. Because YOU DO!