Need Advice, A Friend, Help, Anything, Pls

[LostnLonely]

Staying 'with' someone who is unhealthy for us is abandoning our SELF.

The 'whys' of abuse matters not...

I think that the "whys" are what I have the most trouble with. Perhaps it's the martyr in me?

I've read your words over & over and will continue to do so until it sinks in. It has to. You and the other angels here have given me strength that I'd never knew I had. I believe that you all speak from experience, which I wish wasn't true for you. Your advice is priceless and I cannot find the words to explain how grateful I am to have found you all. This forum is not only the most organized that I have ever seen, the members are "real people". I'm honored to be among you and hope that I reach a point where I can help someone else one day.
C-

 

[You can get through it]

You should try to remove yourself from any potential danger, as already stated PTSD is no excuse for verbal or physical assaults. I don’t believe that a person with PTSD is absolved from knowing right from wrong. Just because someone has this condition it should not become an excuse to justify certain relationship issues that may go beyond his condition. I would say now is the time to preserve yourself and perhaps recognize that his problem is no longer your problem. If you listen to what he is telling you enough times then you may believe it; abusive people have an uncanny knack of making you feel guilty over their highly unreasonable behavior.

Best wishes,

Steve

 

[AmyO]

I have a dog that I love more than anything and there are no shelters here who accept pets.

I try to listen to what people say, esp those who I care about. I'm a fan of constructive criticism and believe that it makes me a better person. In a passive-aggressive fashion he "blows up" about every 7 - 10 days. I try to listen to what he says and not disregard what he's saying because of "how" he's saying it. I'm not perfect by any means. I just wanted to see what people who are more "experienced" with PTSD would say. At first I used to cry and try to reason with him, that didn't work. Then I tried to be a duck and not let him see that I was hurt. That did work at first, but then he turned into a bulldozer so that anytime I ask him not to do something because it hurts my feelings, he tells me to stop being a baby and suck it up, etc.

C-

C- I hope you are having a better day. Ever heard the expression "Misery loves company" . My ex would love to be especially hurtful when his day was lousy. It's basically walking over you to feel better about themselves. Don't even get me started on "suck it up and deal". The number I e-mailed you for the GCADV actually does have arrangements that can be made with pets. Like you were saying, this does affect him too. Keeping you in my thoughts. A-

 

[LostnLonely]

Hi, Amy

You are so awesome. I feel like you're the big sister that I never had. The information that you sent to me was a virtual toolkit. I'm torn and can't promise that I'll follow through. I still have hope, etc (you know the story I'm sure).

Here's an update for you and everyone else who has taken time away from their own lives to help me:
Over the past couple of days BF has been nicer & nicer (you know the drill). We went to our first couples' counseling yesterday afternoon. The meeting was like opening a sore and did get a bit charged but the doc is really good and kept us all in focus. We discussed the "cycle" and recognizing how we feed into each other.
Last night he seemed very honest when he said that he had never "tried" before and that he didn't know, but hoped that it would work. Over the past 2 days he has done things (in a good way) that I haven't seen him do in over 2.5 yrs. We ended up talking into the wee hours of the night about his experiences in combat. He'd gone to his first-ever PTSD doc earlier this week and the doc asked him to summarize his combat experience in a paragraph. BF asked if I wanted to read the "paragraph" that had turned into 2 pgs and going (over flowing).
I expressed that I was flattered to read his innermost thoughts. There was nothing in the paper that he hadn't already told me. (I am the only one to which he has ever told some of the incidents.) But this was the first time that he filled in the graphic details that he cannot get out of his mind. By the end of the evening, it was almost as if he was a balloon with the air let out and he just relaxed.
C-

 

[LostnLonely]

You should try to remove yourself from any potential danger, as already stated PTSD is no excuse for verbal or physical assaults. I don’t believe that a person with PTSD is absolved from knowing right from wrong.

Steve, many thanks for your reply and encouragement. When I entered this forum, I was searching for "another perspective" and it looks like I came to the right place. Information from people who have experienced PTSD in one way or another in their lives is certainly more reliable than what happens on TV. I've tried surfing books but words from "real" people carry much more weight. Your words, like the others, are now printed on a piece of paper that I carry as a reminder of so many things. I really need to change my username now because I am no longer alone. Many thanks.

C-

 

[You can get through it]

I am pleased you now have a road map that shall guide you to better times ahead.
Steve

 

[AmyO]

C- I am glad to see you back. I am glad to see the lines of communication are open. Was worried for a while because you have become like a little sister. A lot of concern, yes, but you know your own mind and heart. Either way, I am still here for you. I hope that it works out for you in either direction, but that is up to the two of you. You couldn't be more understanding and loving than you have been, but as the saying goes 'the ball is in his court'.

Here is to hoping that some of the behavior was symptomatic of his PTSD, but always remember little one, not everything can be explained away by a diagnosis. There may be an underlying rage that gets exhaserbated by it, but it genetically is still there. My little guy is such an angel some times, but then you see the horns that hold up the halo. His father didn't have PTSD, he was just an ass. If I could go in and have that bad DNA removed I would trade everything I had to get it done because he will have to fight this his whole life.

Even though we can offer the best advice we can give, we can't live your life or make your decisions for you. We can say though that we will be here to listen and support. But being that I stayed with my ass (I mean ex) for just shy of ten years, I will not be the one to tell you don't even try.

Just because we have PTSD, does not mean we don't deserve to be loved. Just don't let that love turn toxic because of it. My best advice is this: Tread slowly, be a partner not a codependent, and always...Always, watch your back. :D