General Need Advice..feeling A Little Lost

[Rexane76]

My boyfriend got into a car accident a few months ago, sadly the man in the other car died. I don't really know how to go about helping him through this. I have made sure to be there for him of course and I'm trying to remind him that it was an accident every chance I get. With the holidays around the corner and him finding out he had a family, he is becoming more depressed and saying things like it should have been him that died that day. I don't know what to do and I worry about him everyday. Some days are better than others but I came to the internet and have been reading a lot about people who have either gone through this themselves or been close to someone who has. Any thoughts you have to help would be so appreciated. I want nothing more than to help in any way I can! Thank you

 

[SeekingAfrica]

My boyfriend got into a car accident a few months ago, sadly the man in the other car died. I don't re...

I can't help much. This is hard thing to go through.

One thing I would say though, unless he believes it was accident, you saying it over and over isn't doing anything. It might even makes him feel like he can't say what he thinks, because you believe that, and it's nice that you do, but that isn't how he thinks...May be I'm wrong, this is just how it was for me. Don't try to convince him in anything. Tell him you're there for him. May be ask him to tell you what he thinks or feels of what happened and that it won't scare you away no matter how dark it is or how hard it is to say. This is what I would have like to hear when I was first going through stuff.

Everyone was trying to be nice and loving and helpful. And I felt dark and down and useless. And everytime someone would try to reassure me by saying something nice, I would think...I have amazing friends, I'm lucky that they believe that. But I know the truth. I know what happened. And if they felt like I feel it would break them. It would change how they think of me. It will change this lightness in them, and I love them too much for that. It will make them run in the other direction. I shouldn't say anything because it just makes things hard and awkward, and people love me and they are just trying to help, but they can't. So they feel worse and I feel worse and I better say nothing...

Now that is just me. And that was just in the beginning. Saying something that you can barely live with is hard. May be he thinks it was his fault. May be he feels it doesn't matter who's fault it was, but someone died and he is directly linked to it. All I'm saying...in the beginning, what I needed wasn't someone telling me it wasn't my fault(which was something that took 2 years for me to begin to believe).

It was someone telling me they will leave me to do what I feel I need sometimes, even if that means taking pointless 2 h walks and just trying to feel better. Being on my own. And someone telling me I can tell them my darkest thoughts about what I'm going through without them trying to convince me I'm wrong or that I would feel better in a moment when there is no evidence of that. Just telling me I can say anything and they will still love me, and just letting me speak, no matter how much they wish I feel better. Hope that made sense. And try not to worry too much. This takes time, a lot of time, don't worry if he's not okay so soon.

 

[Rexan76]

I can't help much. This is hard thing to go through.

One thing I would say though, unless he bel...

Thank you I think this helped a lot. The last thing I want is for him to push me away to protect me from his feelings. I want to know where his head is, even just get a glimpse of how he is really feeling not just the strong surface he puts on for everyone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Get him into counseling immediately. It is still a new Trauma, and getting help now may make all the difference in the world.

 

[Kbely]

My boyfriend got into a car accident a few months ago, sadly the man in the other car died. I don't re...

Is your bf getting any counseling for this? It sounds like he might need professional help to understand what he's feeling and to let go of the guilt.