General Need Advice For A Friend In The Marines

[MarineFriend]

I need help for a friend. He was my best friend from school and we stayed in touch when he moved to the US, he was deployed in Iraq for 13 months I believe not sure exactly when he got back, haven't been in regular contact for about a year.

But the last few months we have been talking. He believes he has ptsd from things he has experienced while being a marine. He is going through a really rough time. He had an assessment with a psychologist after acting out. He says he couldn't talk to them and this worked against him, after friends and his CO made reports he is about to be discharged. He is torn up, the military was/is his life and although he says he acknowledges it would be unsafe for him to continue serving he cant see a life now.

I really want to help him, he wont talk about the trauma or his feelings to anyone but says he wants to. And that he trusts me. But I don't think I can help him much as I cannot even concieve what he went through in his tour. Also I don't know if I could cope with any info he would tell me. They are offering psychiatric/psychological support but he is reluctant in taking it up because he doesn't want anyone to find out that he self harms. I mean he is being discharged so I don't know what the consequences of admitting to self harm would be. They cant force him to get help if they cant see the risk he poses to himself or they will? I don't know.

I really want him to get help. I fear he may be shutting down. I completely understand that there is no way in hell that I could understand what he has been through. And so therefore I don't know what he would really gain by opening up to me. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned to him about talking to someone who was out there with him but he says he doesn't want to be seen as weak by anyone. I think at least at this point he needs to talk to somebody, anybody but I worry about what opening up that can of worms could lead too when he is already unstable. I mentioned finding a group on the internet that is military based, and anonymous. But he doesn't want to, he says he feels let down because they didn't notice the ptsd when he was assessed after his last tour. He seems distrustful of anyone in the military including his close friends.

I tried to explain from my own experiences of ptsd that symptoms often don't start immediately but can take months even years to surface. I'm trying to convince him to go to the VA, but he seems scared to face up to this "weakness" as he puts it. I tried to convince him to go to a meeting about possible civilian recruitment options last week as he feels hopeless without a purpose but he didn't go and said to me that the only thing he is good at is killing. He was always good at hiding his problems even as a kid. So I am scared for him that the VA wont see the warning signs. I guess I can only hope, but first he has actually got to go see someone. I have no idea how things work in the military so theres not a lot I can suggest. I can only be there for him I guess.

 

[kahlan]

You can't make him help himself, but you can encourage him. Maybe suggest some other vet organizations, not just therapy but places he can be around other vets that can get what he went through. Being around others that can understand and/or have been there with the struggle to get help can be a motivator for him.

A lot of how you described your friend sounds a lot like my N. He was only good at certain things and now that he's disabled he's worthless. I've found gently assuring him that he's a good person and valuable, and just being there when he needs a shoulder helps him immensely. Just continue to be a good friend and don't take on more than you can or are willing to handle.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This site has a sister site call for combat PTSD sufferers: mycombatptsd.com It is for veterans ONLY so it is more private and more 'free'. He might like that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please keep encouraging him to get help.

I think you're correct in your assessment that you can't help him----I mean in that you are not a professional and aren't trained to deal with his trauma. You CAN support him though. I think it's very important for sufferers to not treat their friends like a therapist.

He is VERY lucky to have a friend like you. Please don't give up on him if he pulls away or needs space. Dealing with all of this is quite difficult and sufferers often shut out those they care about the most as the stress builds and we just can't cope.

 

[DMerish]

At one time there was an article, which I thought was titled "The Ideal Supporter" on this site. I looked for it but couldn't find it. I hope someone else knows where it can be found and posts the link for you.

As far as working with the VA, yes, encourage him. Especially, since they are hard headed, frustrating, and bureaucratic. But you may also find groups locally that he can go to (which you might consider attending also, as his friend, the first few times). Google PTSD and name of your city, or the largest city near you/him, or try meetup.com

If you click on Articles at the top of this page though, and scroll through, you will find one whose title is something like "Overview of PTSD" (September 2013) that is very good in many respects. Might want to print it out or print out a few of the other articles as well.