Need Advice - Friend of an Iraq War Vet

[afriend]

I recently became good friends with a man that served in Iraq (he has been diagnosed with PTSD), we hit it off incredibly well, similar interests, personality, and goals in life. It felt like we had known each other for years and were kindred spirits of sorts - he opened up to me about a lot of things and I did the same. We talked at least a few times a week and wrote each other several times a day and also spent time together. Our bond seemed very strong. Then I had a very difficult event happen in my life and reacted much more emotionally than I ever have before at any time in my life. The first day or two after this happened, he was there for me and was very supportive. But things really started to take a toll on me and I was very emotional for several days. Since then, he has completely shut me out. Told me he just needed time and space. I have not heard from him in 3 weeks now. I know he is struggling with many things in his life right now and I would like to be there for him. The last thing I want is to lose this friendship that means so much to me, but I am at a loss now as to what, if anything, I can do. I have tried reaching out to him (my personal crisis is resolved now), but to no avail. This friendship means the world to me and I am just searching for some advice. I have read a great deal on PTSD since this happened and do have a lot of insight into some things that might be going on, but was hoping to hear from others that might have the same experiences and how best to deal with them. Thanks.

 

[TLight]

We with PTSD become easily overwhelmed. He is overwhelmed and his instinct, as a man I'm sure, is to try and be strong and help to fix the situation with you...........but he's overwhelmed by it too. Just give him space and let him know he doesn't need to come up with any 'answers' to your dilemma. He might not be the one who you can rely on to even talk to about this thing..........he is not weak, just overwhelmed and the stresses can send us to very bad places. I have a hunch he is just doing the best he can taking care of himself right now.......probablly in bed in a fetal position, which is where I've spent most of my life.
Give him space, time, and understanding. Let him know you can rely on other people in your support network and not just him. Let him know you understand why he has to hunker down right now and it's entirely OK. Let him know that he is an incredably strong man and whatever he needs to do is OK.

Hope this helps.

 

[afriend]

Thank you

Thank you so much for the advice. I am normally not the type of person that relies too much on anyone but myself, but what happened was pretty difficult for me - so I did have a tough time with life there for a while. My own personal issues have been resolved since then. Still no contact from my friend. I am wondering how long I should wait before I try and contact him again. He absolutely knows I am here for him if he ever needs anyone to talk to, and also knows that I do know he is incredibly strong. Just not sure how much to distance myself right now, I don't want him to think I don't care, but also want to give him space as well. It is tough...

 

[Deleted member 541]

While I don't know what your personal issue was, I think that somewhere within all of it, your friend was triggered badly. When we get triggered to a overwhelming degree we retreat, push others away, isolate, and want to be alone....

He has told you that he needs space and time....I advise you to do just that, give him the time and space. No matter how much you are hurting over this, and how awful you feel...You must respect his wishes, and boundaries.

Go on with your life, do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but please.....Respect his wishes and do not contact him.......

I wish you well.

 

[midi]

Maybe let him know that you're aware he needs space and that you would still like to be friends? - er... consider what She Cat said...

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello afriend,

Be patient; if you are as good friends as you have described (-I'm sure you are), he will "come around" when it is possible for him.

I'm "guestimating" he doesn't feel like "too strong a man right now", but sometimes time and space help to sort out all the conflicting and overwhelming thoughts and emotions.

I wish you the best! Take care of yourself!

 

[afriend]

Thank you all for your advice

I will be patient and give him time and space. I know he could use a friend right now and our friendship helped both of us in many ways, just wish I could be there for him now. How long should I wait before I try to contact him again? I don't want him to think I have forgotten him or how much this friendship means. Or should I just wait indefinitely??

 

[pandora]

I agree with everyone else..give him time and it does come down to him being overwhelmed. Does he go to therapy to recognize that he is doing this. Can you speak to a family member that might suggest this? Maybe a nice...I am thinking of you card...but also stating you will leave him alone and respect his need and want for privacy. That you will always be there if he needs you.

 

[rallynut78]

During times when i am feeling anti social whole months could go by before I realized that i hadn't talked to people. This is difficult for folks to understand a lot of times. it's not because I'm intentionally blowing them off but because trying to fake being sociable causes me lots of stress.

there is also a chance that he is feeling a bit like he can't relate to (noncombat) people how he use to. it could be because he feels like e is prone to messing interpersonal stuff up so he is avoiding screwing it up with you.



(I am an Iraq vet.)

 

[afriend]

Rallynut78,
Thank you for your comment, I know that he has few people that he relates to at all, he told me that. He also told me I was one of the few he could relate to and he told me things about his experiences in Iraq that I know he has told few other people, and I know it helped him to talk to me about his experiences. So we were pretty close. Which makes this even harder. What happened to me that caused this isolation between us wasn't like a life threatening situation, just something that made things very difficult for me for a week or so and caused me to get much more emotional than I ever do. So I think he felt like maybe he couldn't be there for me, even though he knows I am pretty tough and take care of myself pretty well. So at this point, I am just honestly not sure where to go from here. Just completely cease all contact with him (I haven't tried to contact him in a while) until he comes around (if he does), or if I occasionally let him know I am thinking about him from time to time... He knows I care a lot about him and our friendship and am committed to it, and I thought he felt the same, but times like this make it hard to keep the faith...

 

[Tinyflame]

Something just occurred to me: is it possible to more or less just do what you normally would do, perhaps just take it down a notch? That is, if you always talked together, talk about the "regular stuff", perhaps a little less frequently; if you e-mailed, e-mail once in a while, etc.

I know how it sounds, but I actually appreciate and personally respond well when the other person acts like "it's less of a big deal".
It decreases my anxiety and feels more like they accept me, and then after a relatively short while I find it easier to put it behind me and come around. Also, I DO feel more accepted and therefore (somewhere) feel a glimmer of self-acceptance (dare I say!), too.

Best of luck, you will know what feels right when the time comes.

 

[TyR]

I'm an Iraq vet with PTSD as well. I've found some pretty cool organizations that provide peer support for Iraq and Afghanistan-era vets. If you like, I can pass those on to you.