Relationship Need Advice Girl I Like Has Ptsd

[Jake123]

Hey I'm new to this forum and some advice would greatly be appreciated. I'm a young male 20 years old and this girl I've been seeing for quite awhile has been diagnosed with ptsd a few days ago. She sometimes would have bad anxiety and panic attacks and would call me to calm her down. She filled me in on everything that happened that caused her ptsd from her past relationship. She's been very sad but now she's in the 'anger' phase as she calls it and I'm not sure how to handle it properly. Half the time she would flip on me over very little things, push me. I really care and like this girl, but lately she's been pushing me away badly and I'm not sure why. I'm the only person she talks about this stuff towards, texting for hours after hours while I'm just listening to her. Not trying to rescue her what so ever. But just there for her. She's stopped the texting to about 2 hours a day now while we used to be for like 14 hours a day. Told me I helped her a lot. She just started taking therapy for it last week and she's been told she's careless. Will be for a while, I just don't know what to do. She's been drinking a lot lately, partying just to forget about the past she told me. I'm trying to help a bit but nothing I say will make her listen as she's careless and filled with anger. Also she has borderline personality disorder, I'm trying to handle both. I've been told to be careless, listen and things would come on my way. She even told me while she's drunk she doesn't like when I'm 'there' for her when she needs and wants a guy who doesn't care. Told me she's not used to being this cared for. But how can I guy not care. Been getting told I've been annoying for just listening to her, lashes out on me saying I'm a piece of shit and anyone is better then me, etc.. Any help will be great, thanks!

 

[shimmerz]

lashes out on me saying I'm a piece of shit and anyone is better then me

I am so sorry to say. Get.out.now.

I have PTSD too and I would never treat someone I care about (or don't for that matter) like that. Those are cruel words and actions.

 

[Marina124]

Sorry for that girl you like, but I am supporting my bf who has PTSD and I know that he would never act that way to me.
I suggest you to try to talk with her and even if doesn't want to tell you what is troubling her, find a way to figure that out. I also suggest you to get to know her better and find out what her problems are and find a way to solve them.
Best wishes

 

[StarChild]

@Marina124, reading your two posts, gives the impression, that you don't really know much about PTSD, what it is, what it does or how to handle it. Otherwise, you would know better, than to suggest, that a partner of a PTSD sufferer should find a way to solve their partners problems. Why? Because that's impossible. Because, no matter how much you love someone, you can not fix them. You simply can't! To be a supporter does not mean, that you're playing, or try to be your partner's therapist. As a) you're not skilled to, and b) Even if you were a licensed therapist, this would lead to a very unhealthy relationship. And another thing, when a borderline personality disorder is in the mix too, that's again another pair of shoes. Entirely!

No, the first thing for a supporter to "do", is to encourage their sufferer, to get proper professional help. And first of all a proper diagnosis from an experienced (trauma) therapist or psychiatrist, and then they have to undergo a regular therapy. Regular means once a week, or at the very least once every 14 days. And sometimes it can even mean to go inpatient at a mental health hospital that specializes in trauma, PTSD and or Borderline.

We do have an entire supporter section here on the forum. Before you give further advice, (which in my opinion is not very helpful), first educate yourself properly. That means: start reading the threads of our supporter section, as well as our homepage article system. Talk to our experienced supporters, ask questions, and again, read and educate yourself. And last but not least, learn about your own needs and boundaries and how to establish them in a PTSD-relationship.

Link to our article system:
https://www.myptsd.com/

 

[StarChild]

Also she has borderline personality disorder, I'm trying to handle both.

Hi @Jake123 and welcome to the forum. PTSD and Borderline in addition is a heavy mix!

First, know, that no matter how much you love her, there's no way for you to fix her. She has to want to do that work (actively participating in a specialized therapy) solely out of her own. If she's not willing to really work hard on herself, there's no chance that wearing situation will change for the better. On the opposite, it will get worse. Now very important for you is to learn about your own limits and needs. And how to take care of them. One of the most important things in such a relationship is boundaries. What are your boundaries? What are things that, no matter how big your love is, you simply won't accept. Because, to let her treat you like a doormat, means only to allow further and worse behavior on her side.

And the one million dollar question is: Is this relationship really what you want? Being called such nasty things, and being treated very badly? Because even if she would be willing to work hard on herself, changes don't come over night. It can take several years until she's stable. And there's no guarantee, that she'll ever be. Both PTSD and BPD can't be cured, but only treated. And I can't stress enough, how important it is, that she a) really want's to get better, and b) that she takes the therapy work very seriously. Not only for a few months but years to come.

I'd like to encourage you, to look into our supporter section. You can read through the threads, or create threads and ask and "talk" to our supporters. (Just click on Forums and scroll down to the Supporter Section). Also our homepage article system provides lots of information. Link to our article system: https://www.myptsd.com/

Now comes my very personal opinion: More than 10 years ago, a therapist once told me: "If you ever fall in love with someone with Borderline personality, and that person isn't willing to do the hard, necessary work it needs to get better, LEAVE and don't you ever look back." When I asked him why, he told me: "I've treated to many broken partners of people with BPD, who got almost destroyed in such a relationship. If the partner isn't willing to work hard for a change to the better, it (the relationship) will break you."

And Jake, since I read how she acts and treats you, I'd say leave as fast as you can! Maybe a part of her very bad behavior stems from PTSD and Borderline. BUT, there's another very important thing to consider. Not every bad behavior is PTSD or BPD! Sometimes bad behavior stems from a bad, egoistic, mean character! You're still very young, you still have the chance for a good life. A life where you're not treated so badly and heartless. A life where you could be with a woman who loves and respects you. As one thing's for sure: There's no such thing as love without respect! Please think twice, if you want to stay in this relationship, as it will come with a high price... All the best to you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD may be the reason why she is lashing out... But it doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it.

If you don't set boundaries about the lashing out behaviors, you're going to be miserable.