Relationship Need Advice On A Few Things

[Carolinadesert]

Hi Everyone,

Second time posting here but I try to read all the threads so I can gain some insight. My girlfriend is 22, she has been diagnosed with PTSD (due to childhood physical and sexual abuse) and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. We have been together for about three years and when I met her she told me very early on about her past. This seems to be a patten with her - she meets someone new and pours out her life story to them... Whether it's to gain sympathy right off the bat, I don't know. Anyway, recently the newest person she's been telling her story to decided to bring her to the hospital because she had cut herself twice and was found on the bathroom floor at work crying (I was away for 10 days and not present when these three incidences occurred). The hospital decided to keep her involuntarily (she is still in there - since the 12) and I go to visit her everyday. I really hope she is able to get the help she needs now that she is receiving such intensive care. I know it is a long road ahead. I've spoken with her doctors and they seem optimistic that with the right combination of medication and therapy, she will be able to get through this.

One observation I have made is that I don't know if she truly wants to get better... Her story is her way to get attention and sympathy from others and I don't know if she wants to give that up. It's almost like she is addicted to the attention she's receiving. Mind you, she never really received any attention from her parents in her life so I'm guessing it stems from that. We've talked about her setting boundaries with new friends she meets, that she's a great person and doesn't need to tell this story for people to be her friend, but she can't seem to get away from it.

This brings me to one of my issues - communication. She seems to want to tell everyone in the world her story, but when it comes to me trying to talk about how she's doing, she never wants to. I understand some things are hard to talk about, but she has no problem going into graphic detail with someone she's just met. I was previously in a 6 year relationship where there was virtually no communication and I don't want to go down that road again.

I was also looking for advice on how I can learn to keep low expectations for affectionate behavior. One day she will be so sweet an cuddly, and the next she won't even tell me she loves me or I have to make all the effort. Which again I understand can be difficult with lots on her mind, I just find I am having a hard time, personally, with the back and forth - especially since it can happen in a matter of hours. I'm pretty good with knowing what her triggers are, just seems like it sometimes comes out of nowhere.

Finally, last week someone told me they thought she was using me and it just felt like a punch in the stomach. I have mostly been the one to do all the cooking, cleaning laundry, etc in our house. I make more money that she does , and she contributes when she is able, but sometimes also spends money on things she doesn't need and could be very helpful in paying our bills. For the last four months she has been unable to pay me rent due to overspending. Now, she has been let go of her job because of this recent hospitalization. It was a contract job and she needed to be there everyday. I know that for someone with PTSD it can be very hard to complete simple chores so I never really push her for more, and instead she just sits on the couch and plays video games or watches tv. It frustrates me but I don't know how to approach it. She had a two day pass for the holidays and actually helped me out with a few things around the house which I was very grateful for and I let her know that. She seemed happy to do them. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like they are being used? I know I'm the only one who can judge my relationship, but now it's in the back of my mind.

Anyway sorry for the long thread and I realize I'm talking about a few things here, but any advice or suggestions are welcomed :))

 

[Angelwings]

Sometimes, when people realize they can tell their story, they go through a phase of telling everyone who will listen...maybe that's what she's going through.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Or it can be a method of shock them, see if they still like me, we'll go from there. It's a lot easier to tell your story to someone who doesn't really know you than to talk with someone who you have a vested emotional bond to. When you tell your story to someone who doesn't know you, you tend to not care if they judge you.

 

[nursenurse]

I would like to know how old you are as well. if you were in a six year relationship before, I tend to think you are older than she is. At age 22, she is young, she has been with you for 3 years, which means she was 19 when she started going with you. Taking the PTSD out of the equation, and I honestly think that she is too young to be really committed at this time. Factor in her horrific childhood, and you have someone who truly is not emotionally mature enough to deal with anything right now. I don't think she is outright using you, she is young, she is scared, and she doesn't know how to really function on her own. And with PTSD, there are times where communication is not the priority of the sufferer. If she is still in the hospital from the 12th, I will bet that there is more than PTSD in there, and you have to be prepared for that, if you are thinking of her as a life partner.

There are no easy answers, but the bottom line is, you have to decide what is best for you, and it is good and noble to want to be there for her, but the reality is, it isn't easy, and you may never be successful no matter how hard you try. And, it is true, she may not be that in to you. Think of the direction you want to see your life heading towards, then decide how much of this you can take. Good luck.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

I think the best thing to do would be to have a calm talk with your girlfriend about the communication problems you feel are occurring (as well as the other problems of course). Explain to her how communication is important to you and although you know it is hard for her to talk to you, she can always come to you if she needs you etc.

One day she will be so sweet an cuddly, and the next she won't even tell me she loves me or I have to make all the effort

Suffering from PTSD myself, this happens to me often. I have my good days where I am loving towards my fiancé and then I have my bad days, where I can't stand being around him. It's not because I don't love him, I have a tendency to dissociate from people and I will do it to everyone when I am feeling like that. Maybe you two could come up with a system, like when I feel like that I tell my fiancé that I want to be alone for a while. When I say that he knows why as I've explained to him how I feel and will then give me my space. This helps me because if he were to do the opposite it would stress me out and make me feel worse, which he now understands.

She seems to want to tell everyone in the world her story

I know sharing makes it more real, as well as it gives the abuser 'less power'. That's how I feel when I share my story, like I am conquering him for forcing me to keep such a secret. I haven't really told many people but everyone is different. Like Secret mentioned above, maybe she just feels free enough to share. Also, I haven't gone into any detail what so ever about my abuse with my fiancé, not because I don't trust him or anything but because I care about him too much. When talking to my therapist (who I constitute as a stranger) It is easier to just let lose and talk about issues in detail as they don't know me personally. Sometimes I feel it is easier to talk to someone I don't know as it is 'safer' and more confidential. With my fiancé I am constantly worrying if what I am saying is too much for him to be able to handle. I hate hurting his feelings and seeing him hurt by what I went through.

last week someone told me they thought she was using me

I wouldn't believe what everyone says. However, talking to her about helping around the house could be beneficial. We talk and decide who's going to do what, kind of like setting chores. Routine can be a good thing. Helps get my mind off things and gives my day structure. There are days where I can't function and struggle to keep up, which he is very understanding about but I do try, which must count for something lol.

Hope I have been able to help some what. You both should definitely talk thing s through. Even if she can't talk to you about the abuse but perhaps talk about how she feels in general? Like the dissociation?

 

[DMerish]

I don't have much to add. The previous posts, especially Nursenurse's, pretty much covered things.

 

[Overcast]

I would thank her for the effort she put forth in the chores and discuss your desire to improve your communication and seek help on how to improve it while she has more intensive help.

 

[ms spock]

Have you got a therapist to sort things out with? That could be helpful for you to work out what your boundaries and limits are.

 

[Carolinadesert]

Wow thank you so much for all the replies!!

Nurse, I am 28 years old. I sometimes agree with you that she is too young / fragile for a relationship at this time. I have mentioned it before (a few times actually) in our three years that maybe we should take a break so that she can concentrate on herself and her recovery and we can reevaluate at a later time if that's what she wants. Each time she has refused, saying she wants me and needs me as her girlfriend, not just a friend. This could be because of her abandonment issues that I think she may have, but I can't be 100% sure.

Swords thank you so much for all your insight... Definitely a wealth of good information there!! Sometimes I have tried to bring some things up (communication wise) and she will say "I can't handle this, I just need us to be us and be good"... So I feel like I can't really mention anything because I don't want to trigger her or make her feel pressured.

Yes I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now to help me with things

 

[nursenurse]

Well good for you on looking for help for yourself. I think she is too young, I think she is too emotionally fragile, that she may be looking at you as a saviour or even a father figure because you have the maturity for it. Of courseIi don't know if that is true, but it just smacks of being an extremely unbalanced relationship, and may never have any true balance as you may be on a different continuum as she. Successful PTSD relationships have some balance and have to rely on some communication even if it may be skewed a bit to one side, because regardless of who has what, a relationship takes two people working to the best of their abilities, no matter how uncomfortable it is at times. PTSD folks aren't alien puffballs. Your girlfriend is nowhere near that. You have a choice to see her through or to let go, at some point, but only you can decide what is best for you. Do not stay with her out of pity. No one wants that. But I think, and it is just my opinion, that she is nowhere near to being able to handle a permanent relationship beyond the significant other, you, being in the caregiver role. And she may never be more than that. Talk to your therapist. Sort yourself out. Nowhere have I read on this post that you wish to remain with her forever. And that is okay. Just think long and hard. Without stars in your eyes. Only then can you truly affirm any kind of permanency in this situation.

 

[ms spock]

Yes I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now to help me with things

Well you are certainly covering all your bases which is to be commended.

I do read with some reverence what supporters do for their PTSD partners.

Sometimes I read with concern what sufferers put their supporters through as well at times.

I am a sufferer of PTSD and I know that I can take people forgranted and I am scared of change and losing people at times. I don't mean to be selfish but sometimes my fear overtakes me. Sometimes I don't have the brain space to take things in. I know that this is probably not at all helpful.

I don't really have anything to say except that you need to take care of yourself in relationship to your sufferer.

I pushed my self beyond anything I could deal with for my partner/supporter because I wanted him to have the Xmas that he was hoping for. It took guts of steel and sitting with an awful lot of panic, anxiety and panic attacks as well as physical illness to get there. I was so ill I could barely walk when I left here on Xmas Eve. Some PTSD sufferers get better and some remain the same.

 

[Carolinadesert]

Nurse, thank you for your support :) I agree with you that I need to make a decision based on what's best for myself. She has been in therapy for quite sometime, but only recently (a year ago) has she been referred to a specialized place (child abuse and sexual assault trauma centre). Since they're trying to get to the root of the issues, she's had to talk about a lot of things that are very traumatic and probably make things worse for her. She has told me "I know it gets worse before it gets better" so I am hopeful that she still believes in that. I know this probably sounds like I am making excuses for her, and maybe to a degree I am, but I believe that she can get through this. After reading what you said last night, I sent her this message:

"I'm still willing to give you a break from being in a relationship too if you want... If that will be better for your recovery. I wouldn't go and be with anyone else, but it might be easier for you not have to worry about emotionally investing yourself in a relationship". She responded my saying that she wanted us to be together.

Spock, thank you for your insight! What you said does make me realize that perhaps she doesn't mean to make me feel used, it's just that in her mind some of these things might be hard to deal with. I'm sorry that you had such a hard Christmas. My girlfriend was able to have a two day pass for the 25-26 and it was just us so that was nice for her. I don't know your story at all but I feel like maybe there could've been some compromise so you wouldn't have to feel like that... But again I don't know your story so forgive me if I'm overstepping boundaries.