Relationship Need advice on emotionally abused and isolated partner

[Tcat]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but would appreciate advice. My partner of 7 years left me a month ago and I've realised now that many of the symptoms I've attributed to his brain tumour are very similar to cptsd. Long story short, we met, all was good, after a few months he very abrubtly left me. Sensing something wasn't quite right, that the behaviour seemed irrational and out of character, I gave him space and gently coaxed him back. This situation repeated itself a few more times in the first couple of years we were together. A brain tumour diagnosis followed, and in my mind it explained the short term memory problems, the extreme anxiety, insomnia, 'leaving' conversations either mentally or physically. I found it a little worrying that his only close friend is his sister, who doesn't always treat him particularly well, but they seem to enjoy the same things, are weirdly close. Despite her being openly hostile, rude, dismissive and sometimes bizarrely cruel to me (I just played dumb with her and avoided her for the most part), I was happy he had someone in his life other than me to do things with. We have some interests in common, but my life is pretty busy, I have kids, animals, job and friends and am happy in my own skin, pretty robust. The last five years have been pretty good between us, although his problems could be a little draining, on the whole he's such a lovely man that I accepted them for what they were, and tried not to stress over the pushing/pulling, the evasiveness over emotions, difficulties talking about the mushy stuff or making any concrete future plans. Generally he's thoughtful, helpful, kind, great with the kids. Also extremely over-sensitive, insecure about meeting new people, all that stuff. The last few months have been an emotional roller-coaster. The tumour suddenly showed growth after 5 years of nothing on MRIs. All of a sudden he needed a biopsy, was looking at chemo, radiation treatment, the works. Given how badly he copes with pressure, even perceived pressure, I was really worried he might not make rational decisions about his treatment. I called his sister to see if we could put our differences aside and work together to support him (she's a clinical psychologist). I was relieved that she shared my concerns, she suggested it might be helpful for staff at the hospital to know how he felt about treatment, reassured me when I said I felt awkward going behind his back. I'm trying to keep this short, but basically she then spent the next couple of weeks using everything I'd told her to persuade my partner that I was covert and out to harm him in some way. I came home one day to find he'd removed all of his belongings from my home, spoke to him briefly on the phone and was told I meant nothing to him, the relationship was over, I'd caused irreparable harm. I just couldn't fathom what kind of person would do something like this to their own brother and ended up finding out about narcissistic personality disorder (tick), narcissistic victim syndrome (tick). I've only just found this forum, and cptsd seems so similar to narcissistic victim syndrome. Apart from sending him a letter telling him what actually happened with regards to me speaking to the hospital and his sister, and a stack of articles on narcissistic personality disorder, impact of emotional abuse on the brain, that I love him and understand why he felt he needed to believe her, I haven't tried to contact him and haven't heard from him. My questions are: should I reach out and remind him I'm still here? I know that in the past he would never have come back if I hadn't done just that. I think he just gets overwhelmed and can't take the step. What are the chances he'll ever be able to stand up for himself to his sister? I'm convinced she has been doing this to him his whole life. I know I can't fix him. I don't even know if there is time for him work out that he needs help and then to get the help he needs. I'm just finding it hard to move on knowing that he's in trouble. There's not much in this for me, other than possibly a few more years with someone who when things are good, is wonderful. But when things get bad, he bails. If I do reach out again, how long should I leave it before doing so? My head says I should just let things be, it's his decision to make, I should move on with my life. My heart just feels desperately sorry for him, knowing he's terrified and isolated, his decision was heavily influenced by a skilled and dysfunctional creature.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Honestly, my therapist said something to me yesterday that I think you should hear:

If you're buying a house, it's fine to go with a fixer-upper project, but with relationships, it's rather unwise to go with a fixer-upper project.

Just leave it be, leave him out of your life, it sounds like he has probably caused you a lot of stress. You don't need to deal with that stuff, you don't need to deal with his sister, screw that. Let it go, just go and find someone nice who isn't a fixer-upper project.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think I’d advise letting go. Battling family is never advisable.

The truth is that many enter the world of psychology because they are f*cked up themselves. I think you’ve met such a person. And no, she’s not a wounded healer.....these people have actually healed themselves and use their experience to help others. This woman sounds simply toxic.

Against the sister.....you will never win.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does he have a PTSD diagnosis? Or are you assuming he has PTSD?

 

[Justmehere]

If an ex-girlfriend that I broke up with sent me a letter to diagnose me and my family members that they had long argued with...I’m not sure I’d receive it in the manner you hope he would.

 

[Tcat]

Hi, thanks for all the replies. To clarify, I never once argued with the sister. In fact, I made it a point not to and took all her abuse on the chin. I got on really well with their mother and was a part of all the family get-togethers, though I kept my distance from the sister as much as I could. Re diagnoses; I had a very long talk with a criminal psychologist who definitely feels the sister has NPD, though as she only has my narrative and hasn't met the sister, I agree this doesn't consititute a diagnosis. But given what I've experienced in the last seven years, I'd bet my house on it. Re my partner, who knows? His brain tumour is in the same location as where changes in the brain can be seen in long term victims of emotional abuse, medial temporal lobe, limbic system. Having experienced the dynamics all I can say is that it's a very dysfunctional relationship in which she controls much of what he does, and does not have his best interests in mind. Until recent events, I just felt the she was a nasty, envious piece of work with poor boundaries and a big chip on her shoulder who seemed to go out of her way to make people feel bad. In my letter I didn't go so far as to diagnose either of them. All I did was explain my side of what happened and asked him to ask himself a few questions about whether it was conceivable that his sister might have lied about me and why. I asked him to consider the possibility that she might have influenced our relationship, indeed all of his previous relationships and whether he felt he'd ever been allowed to keep anything worthwhile for himself. I also suggested it might be worth considering whether the symptoms we'd always attributed to his brain tumour might actually be exacerbated by something else and to read the articles because I felt that to me they explained an awful lot. I agree that he probably won't appreciate me accusing his sister of having a personality disorder, anymore than I appreciate having been manipulated and slandered to the extent that people I love think horrible things about me. I also agree that I'm better off out of the whole toxic mess. And whilst I'm heartbroken, I know that I'll eventually be ok. My life is pretty good apart from this. I just feel horrible for him. She's ensured that he has no-one else, and given his situation, he's not in much of a position to help himself. Anyway, thanks for all the replies.