Annette4865
New Here
I've been struggling with something I've never discussed with anyone before, but it's becoming unbearable and I need advice. I apologize for errors, but the best way to do this is to just write it down as is. (Long read, I'm sorry)
I was a very happy child aside from several deaths in my family at a young age, but was generally very outgoing and optimistic. However, I played with my toys a little differently. I'd tie my girl dolls naked to the bed and pretend that the other girl dolls were tickling her "down there." I don't know why, but I remember feeling bad and keeping it a secret. I'd also draw sexual pictures of boys and girls kissing only to throw them away and put them under the rest of the trash in the garbage can so my parents wouldn't see it as they were very closed off about sexual matters with us. Once they caught me and said to never do it again so I never did. I was always a daddy's girl. I loved my father to no end, but at one point in my life, maybe around 11 or so, I began to get in fights with boys at school because they made me mad and being around my father suddenly made me horribly uncomfortable. I had nightmares about drowning in our school's pool or being chased by "bad men." I became easily irritable and would run out of my parent's room hysterical if they mentioned anything romantic or were watching anything remotely sexual in front of me. I started my period early too and began developing breasts by 9. Once my period began, my mother took me to a gynocologist where I was inspected for abuse. My hymen was broken, but the doctor mentioned this could be from tampon use or horseback riding. (I did both) This experience in itself was dreadful. I felt an unusual hatred for the doctor and I started becoming obsessed with sex and would hit boys for no reason. I slept with my mom in bed for many nights out of fear of being raped or kidnapped though I just told her it was a bad dream. I would feel strange and uncomfortable "down there" when I had to be in close proximity with different men in my life. In middle school I wore all black and didn't brush my hair. I hated changing in front of other girls during swimming or gymnastics so I would hide myself. This was the time I started becoming very self-conscious of my body. I felt fat and dirty and had thoughts about girls that made me feel ashamed of myself. As high school came around, I got into relationships where I'd let them touch me, but I'd never let them have sex with me until I turned 16 and was away from home with my boyfriend at the time. I let him penetrate me, but I sobbed and he just took me home. At 17 I began cutting and was diagnosed with depression, an eating disorder, and anxiety. I had suicidal thoughts that increased until I recieved treatment. Now I'm in college and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have this need for kinky or unusual sex, but also will have days when I don't want to be touched by anyone whatsoever. My depression has worsened as well as my anxiety. There are times when I'm having sex with my boyfriend (never spoke about these issues with him) that I'll just freeze and feel a panic attack come on. On one night, he began choking me while performing oral sex (something we've done before and it wasn't actually inhibiting my breathing) and this time it was like a switch turned on in my brain and I just started hyperventilating and choking and absolutely losing my shit. He of course stopped and backed off, but I just laid there and cried. I'm terrified that something is wrong with me or I was abused somehow. I don't know who to contact or where to even begin. I need some advice. Please help me.
I was a very happy child aside from several deaths in my family at a young age, but was generally very outgoing and optimistic. However, I played with my toys a little differently. I'd tie my girl dolls naked to the bed and pretend that the other girl dolls were tickling her "down there." I don't know why, but I remember feeling bad and keeping it a secret. I'd also draw sexual pictures of boys and girls kissing only to throw them away and put them under the rest of the trash in the garbage can so my parents wouldn't see it as they were very closed off about sexual matters with us. Once they caught me and said to never do it again so I never did. I was always a daddy's girl. I loved my father to no end, but at one point in my life, maybe around 11 or so, I began to get in fights with boys at school because they made me mad and being around my father suddenly made me horribly uncomfortable. I had nightmares about drowning in our school's pool or being chased by "bad men." I became easily irritable and would run out of my parent's room hysterical if they mentioned anything romantic or were watching anything remotely sexual in front of me. I started my period early too and began developing breasts by 9. Once my period began, my mother took me to a gynocologist where I was inspected for abuse. My hymen was broken, but the doctor mentioned this could be from tampon use or horseback riding. (I did both) This experience in itself was dreadful. I felt an unusual hatred for the doctor and I started becoming obsessed with sex and would hit boys for no reason. I slept with my mom in bed for many nights out of fear of being raped or kidnapped though I just told her it was a bad dream. I would feel strange and uncomfortable "down there" when I had to be in close proximity with different men in my life. In middle school I wore all black and didn't brush my hair. I hated changing in front of other girls during swimming or gymnastics so I would hide myself. This was the time I started becoming very self-conscious of my body. I felt fat and dirty and had thoughts about girls that made me feel ashamed of myself. As high school came around, I got into relationships where I'd let them touch me, but I'd never let them have sex with me until I turned 16 and was away from home with my boyfriend at the time. I let him penetrate me, but I sobbed and he just took me home. At 17 I began cutting and was diagnosed with depression, an eating disorder, and anxiety. I had suicidal thoughts that increased until I recieved treatment. Now I'm in college and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have this need for kinky or unusual sex, but also will have days when I don't want to be touched by anyone whatsoever. My depression has worsened as well as my anxiety. There are times when I'm having sex with my boyfriend (never spoke about these issues with him) that I'll just freeze and feel a panic attack come on. On one night, he began choking me while performing oral sex (something we've done before and it wasn't actually inhibiting my breathing) and this time it was like a switch turned on in my brain and I just started hyperventilating and choking and absolutely losing my shit. He of course stopped and backed off, but I just laid there and cried. I'm terrified that something is wrong with me or I was abused somehow. I don't know who to contact or where to even begin. I need some advice. Please help me.
