Need Guidance Asap Please

[Courtney]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I met a US Naval Officer 10 months ago and we have been dating for 8 months, well were dating. He told me when we first started dating that he had PTSD from an incident that occured in Iraq and that at times he could get to where he didn't want to be around people and/or would have mood changes. I told him that I didn't have a problem with what he was telling me and that I would support him through anything. Through the 8 months we had an amazing relationship. We did a ton of things together and had a blast. He is my soul mate. We evev began planning our future together. Once he took a new position in his job about 3 months ago I started to notice that he would go in and out of mood swings. The new position was very stressful so I supported him to the best of my ability. I tried to keep him positive. A week ago we went shopping and he bought me things for a game he got tickets for us to go to and he bought tickets for 2 concerts for us to attend and then all of sudden this past weekend he broke up with me. He said that he can't feel any emotions and doesn't know what he wants. He is very angry and just keeps saying he doesn't deserve to be loved. He also says now he doesn't know how he feels about me and our relationship. He said he just wants to be alone. Within 1 week I have lost him, physically and mentally. I will never claim to understand what a person with PTSD is going through so I need help because I am confused and incredibly heart broken! He professed his love to me just 1 week ago and now he is lost in his "lack" of emotions. Please someone tell me how to handle this. Do I give him his space or do I remind him everyday what we had and how much we love each other.

I would really appreciate any help! I am scared for him, worried about him, and completely broken up over this.

To those that have PTSD...I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is pain like I have never seen before and no one deserves it!

Courtney

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am sorry you are in so much pain! I think you must give him space. If he has not received therapy for his PTSD, then he is getting worse. It's probably very scary for him, and he is choosing to isolate himself from someone who loves him. He might have been in denial, and now realizes he is troubled and doesn't want to open up to anyone yet. I'd say let him know that you care and want the best for him.

I do know that you must take care of yourself, and not blame yourself, as it is not your fault!

 

[Courtney]

AngelkeeperJ
Thank you for the guidance. This is so incredibly difficult. We are both in so much pain. I have begged him to start seeing a doctor again but since he won't let me talk to him I don't know if he is or isn't. He keeps telling me he wants to be alone. I feel like I should remind him on a daily basis that I am here for him and that I love him but I am scared it might push him further from me.

 

[Navy Spouse]

Courtney, Heart broken and confused. Those are the two labels I have given my self the past two months. You are not alone. I know it feels like it, believe me I know. You are retelling my story except I have been married 17 years. Its great that you found this forum. I found it after my husband came home from Afganistan two months ago. He seemed angry at me instead of being happy to be home. He told me it was just hard getting use to being home and settling down after being in a war zone for so long. He hid most of his feelings for as long as he could and after one month he started saying he was considering divorce and that I deserved some one better than him and he knew that if he let me go I'd have no problem finding someone else to love me. WHAT!!!??? I couldn't figure out where this was coming from we have two girls ages 6 and 11. He told them when he deployed that I was his best friend and he told me he loved me more each day. " I don't want someone else to love me" is all I could say as my heart felt like it had been ripped into pieces. I went straight to the computer and started doing research. I knew about PTSD, but I only knew about the night mares. I pointed out to him all the symptoms he was having and asked him to see a counselor. I was so happy he agreed because I really didn't think he would. He started counseling the next week, but he felt it best that he move out. He didn't think we should have to be around him feeling the way he does. For the last month we have been living apart. It breaks my heart, we waited so long for him to come home so we could be a family again. He comes to see us when ever he can and its quality time together when he does. It hurts though because things aren't at all what they were a year ago. I never saw it coming.

We talk each day due to our daughters and I tell him I love him. I think he needs to know that. For you it might be good to call him every couple of days and remind him that you love him and you are there if he needs anything. I know the days in between are going to be really hard for you but I think he needs some time away and contacting him everyday may push him further away. Also I wouldn't remind him of what you had, he knows. The hardest part to understand is the pushing away of the person they are closest to. Thankfully my husband doesn't push our girls away. That would be even more heartbreaking.

Other than coming here to vent and read what others have to say I would like to reccomend a book I found helpful. "Courage after fire" It talks to the soldier about what they are feeling and why but its also helpful for those who want to help to read and after each chapter there are suggestions for family and friends. My husband is reading it now and agrees its a good book. Another one he liked is "Once a warrior, always a warrior." Maybe you could suggest it to your BF. Each book also talks about the need for therapy and how it takes a strong person to get help. Possibly if he read that it would help.

I don't know how long your BF has been back from Iraq. I know it sounds odd but he must really care for you, thats why you're being pushed away. Take care of yourself, try to stay busy and do things you enjoy even though its hard. Your mind needs a rest from the hurt and worry. I still have some really tough days with all kinds of different emotions. I do know its better for him to see me being strong though and I'm just praying he feels well enough to come home soon. Write me any time. Sending Hugs

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Do I give him his space or do I remind him everyday what we had and how much we love each other.

(Initial intro....)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO. DON'T DO IT. NO NO NO. PLEASE STOP YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY FROM CONSIDERING THIS.

(More pleasent intro...)
Hi Courtney. Ugh..So one more climbed into the boat today. :( Welcome to crazy, stressful, painful days ahead C.

Courtney, I know every detail and emotion of your story. Believe me I do. My guy was a Sgt in the Army who came back from Afghanistan in Feb, and we had made the plans and all for when he came home, then he just fell off the face of the earth for weeks until I forced SOME sort of response from him, but it surely wasn't the loving and wonderful guy he was before.

I get your pain, I do, and I can't stress ENOUGH that I'm begging you to consider giving him space, no matter how hard it is - and it will be girlie. It will.

He came home, told me over and over again how he loved me, we planned on seeing each other, then nothing. Silence. For weeks. I left voicemails, cried, begged and pleaded, wrote FB posts, texted my Sgt with how much I loved him, and had waited for him to come back home so we could start our lives as we had agreed, to no avail. What I ended up doing was pushing him further away and overwhelming him to a place where I doubt we'll ever be together again. He said to me "I'm in a bad place, I'm not ready for this yet". That was months ago. I've really not heard a word since. I've told him to someday contact me again, but who knows if it'll ever happen. I wish I'd never pushed :( What happens is when we push, they end up feeling even WORSE about whatever is going on in them, because they've hurt the ones that care for them, so they feel even more worthless. It's all a very ugly cycle you should star learning about now if you plan to wait it out and stay with him.

If you do push, you run the risk of putting him in overload. At the moment your BF is processing all the stuff he went through. Something triggered it, and as my ex bf said "I need time". I'm not sure if time has expired for us.

I understand all your emotion and your pleas for help. I understand your confusion and the probable utter chaos in your own mind going "How can it have gone from A to Z just like that". You will have it, and you will replay *EVERY* single moment, and *EVERY* single conversation for awhile. Over and over. Until you go nuts. If you don't, PLEASE tell me what your secret was because I could have used it earlier this year.:)

C - he's going to have to ride this out. I WISH I could tell you something better, or something to ease your pain, but I want to be honest with you, because I wish to GOD I'd had someone tell me that when I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Instead it was a long road I walked on alone before I found this site.

Please keep writing on here ok? There are a group of us on here that all know what you're going through, so you're in good hands. Read the books that Navy suggested, those are the best. And also start reading the posts on the sister CombatPTSD.org site. They are written by guys who can better verbalize what's going on in their heads because it's all vets. You'll get it much better - start with the Relationships threads first so that you can get some good info.

Stay strong, and write when you can regardless, but especially when you're at your wits end. We'll respond.

-AB

 

[Courtney]

Thank you everyone! I am trying so hard to be strong through this but it is not easy. I am scared for him and only hope that he gets better. I am going to get the books that Navy suggested for him and I to read. I think the more I learn about PTSD and read the stories of others the better I will understand it. I am sorry for everything you are all going through. This forum is great and I am glad that I found it. Again, thank you!