Need Insight From Sufferers

[ds112496]

I am still trying to understand the reasons why my husband, of almost 17 years, came home on leave from Afghanistan and left me. It happened over 5 weeks ago, but it has been 3 weeks since I tried to contact him. I read the forums almost everyday. Somehow I find comfort knowing there are others who know exactly what I am feeling. I have tried to research behaviors and symptoms of ptsd to make sense of it all. From everything I read he is textbook, the disassociation, the avoidance, the anger, the drinking, excessive spending, talking about suicide....I could go on. Since he did this he has made no effort to contact me or try to explain. We never talked about how to deal with our monthly expenses. He has started to give me less money. Thankfully I have been able to pay the bills, but I am not sure about next month. Plus, our savings is exhausted so I don't even have that any more. I even applied for food stamps which is something I never imagined I would have to do. He doesn't see that his actions are affecting our daughter or if he does he doesn't care. Is this normal during avoidance?

I just don't understand how it was so easy for him to walk away and not want to try and work on things together. I have had to uninstall the video chat program we used just so I wouldn't see him online and be tempted to call him. I deleted the Facebook friend request he sent me. My friends think he sent the request by mistake. I don't know what to think. I have so many different emotions inside. When I am feeling confident I know that I will be ok in the end. When I am lonely all I want to do is talk to him. I wish he had never gone on this deployment!!! Grrrrrrr.

Any insight that might help me understand is appreciated. I know that he needs help, but I don't think he is getting it over there. Although, I was told by his sgm that he would be command referred to mental health. I am doubtful that happened. Does it seem like he has been triggered and in the midst of a full blown ptsd episode? If so, is it likely he will calm down and realize what he has done?

I just have so many questions.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hey,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's so unfair on you and your daughter. I'm amazed reading your post how calm you seem, although I'm sure you're feeling different in real life. You will be okay.

It sounds like he is avoiding you but wants you at the same time, hence the friend request. I doubt he did that by accident, I think he just can't handle real life right now and somehow thought that adding you on Facebook was the answer. He's running away from his life, sadly his head will go with him everywhere and it may be some time before he realises he can't run away from himself.

Is he living on base at the moment? I would suggest contacting his commanding officer and telling him what a pickle he's left you in, they should be able to help.

 

[ds112496]

Thanks Ice_Fire...you are correct about me not being so calm in real life. I am trying to keep it together for my daughter, she is 16. She saw me fall apart in the beginning and is aware of the financial burden he has put on us. I don't feel that it is right to hide any of this from her.

He is currently back in Afghanistan. He did all this while he was home on his 2 week leave. I was served divorce papers the day he left to go back. I have contested the divorce, but he hasn't responded back. Since he is deployed I guess he has extra time. Doesn't make it any easier. While he was home I contacted his chain of command. The commander gave it to the 1st sgt instead of handling it himself. The 1st sgt treated it like a marriage problem. He had my husband call me, which did no good. The conversation was basically him saying that he refused to talk to me in the 1st sgt's office because he was on leave and didn't have to report to them. I tried to get him to come to the house so we could talk. He refused and said we could meet in a public place. I suggested the next morning at 9 and he said no, this would be on his schedule. I never responded to his text asking if I had thought of a place to meet. I figured what's the point. Nothing positive would come from it. He did ask why I wanted to meet. Did I need closure or something? The anger while he was home was so intense. It was like he never calmed down or slowed down. He was focused on what he was doing. I feel that if he had slowed down to talk he would have changed his mind, at least for the time being. It felt like he knew he would lose his nerve if we did talk calmly.

I also talked to his sgm in Afghanistan. He has met me before. I told him everything and he said since I mentioned suicide he would have to command refer him to mental health when he got back. I explained that my husband would deny it all and tell him he never said it. He told me he knew that because that's what men do. I do not think that he has been to mental health. Since he has been giving me some money I haven't called the sgm again. I am waiting for the date of the temporary hearing for child support and spousal support. Plus I am looking actively for a job. I don't want to move on without him, but he isn't giving me a say in the matter.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I would suggest contacting his commanding officer and telling him what a pickle he's left you in, they should be able to help.

I wholeheartedly agree.

I guess we were posting at the same time. It sounds like your doing everything right and wish you the best of luck.

 

[Dixie D]

Your story is so close to mine. I too have a 16 year old daughter who is devastated about what has happened. I am being told as well that this is TEXTBOOK ptsd, but when I hear him tell me that it's me, it's hard to remember. I read a post on here that all relationship break ups aren't to be blamed on ptsd. It made me reevaluate what I know about this situation, and whether or no I am in denial. I just can't believe that his reducing his medication at a stressful time has NOTHING to do with it. We had exactly ONE issue the entirety of our relationship, and now that is the issue he is saying is the reason (remember before he had no reason).

I'm right here with you. I wish I had answers for you.. I'm searching for them myself. I do have many resources, and I will share anything I learn. If you have any questions specifically I would be happy to ask the professionals I deal with.

xo