Sufferer Need Solutions

[improbable_md]

Hi. I'm a survivor of a pretty hardcore childhood and young adulthood - homelessness, rape, foster care, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect - and now at 47, I'm in medical school and triggered a lot. Like, almost daily. I have two little boys that I'm afraid to spend time with at this point because I never know how I'm going to act, and a husband that I'm on the brink of divorce with because I can't stand hurting him anymore. Some of my classmates see me as unstable because I'm either completely closed off or I'm angry.

I'm here to find out what's worked for you. I'm in therapy, I have a psychiatrist, but both of them seem kind of flummoxed by me. I'm on meds, and they keep the depression at bay for the most part, but not the fury and the dissociation. I don't see myself as disabled, or needing to change what's around me, or needing people to accomodate me. I need to change me. I need to move through this and finally be ok in my own skin.

And help would be so appreciated.

 

[Chem Lady]

I'm sorry I can't help and I don't even have any advice because my experience has been different, but I know others on this site will help.
However, kids in foster care have always had a special place in my heart. I was able to be a foster mom for two years, but I wish I could always be a mom to kids who need a loving home. I can only imagine the experiences you have had. I'm sure that anger was a perfectly normal response to the things you've experienced. I hope that you can find some help here or elsewhere. And I'd like to send some compassion your way.

 

[Justmehere]

Hi MD,

Welcome to the forums. Check out the stress cup model to better understand another reason why symptoms might be getting so bad right now: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

Med school is super stressful. Even without PTSD, a lot of marriages don't survive it. Getting triggered by school on top of all the normal triggers of med school is an extra doozy.

Medications can be a helpful tool, but rarely a complete solution. Low dose Naltrexone is the only med prescribed out there for directly dissociation - but it can mean that some of the other emotions you are feeling will get stronger as the dissociation lifts.

Is your therapist specifically trained in one or more trauma therapies such as EMDR, trauma focused CBT, somatic experiencing, and etc? If not, then I would suggested working with your current therapist to find one. I used to see a more general therapist and it was better than nothing, but seeing therapists trained in trauma was key.

One thing you can start on your own is looking up DBT emotional regulation skills at sites like dbtselfhelp.com. (Many other sites out there too.) DBT skills were designed initially for borderline personality disorder but are actually a reflection of many types of therapies proven to help people struggling with emotional regulation form a number of disorders including PTSD. Especially look into grounding skills and mindfulness and start practicing them even when not triggered.

Starting trauma therapy and treatment typically leads to some worsening of symptoms for awhile, and then things will likely get better.

Because your symptoms are affecting not only you but others are noticing, it may be time to consider taking a break from school to do some work on therapy to get your symptoms under better control. I know this is likely a really tough prospect to consider, but I have a friend who had to take a break from school herself for mental health reasons. It is possible to do and then to later return. It's not ideal, but if you keep putting too much on your plate you may end up with setbacks you can't recover from as well as a break from school. It may even be worth considering a different type of medicine or another type of career... But right now, you need to focus on the immediate impact of symptoms on your kiddos who need their mom as healthy as she can be.

You have clearly been working hard and some things do need to change. I want to remind you though that you are not broken. You went through hell, you survived and now it's time to learn how to take care of you and get some more intensive help so you can live more of the life you have been working so hard to have.

Most of all, good work for making it this far. You are a courageous survivor and it's great you are asking for help.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome! I am sorry that you are being triggered, especially while pursuing a career helping others.

Do you have a psychologist, that spends time (45-55 minutes) with you talking about your past? Working through the pain and memories is the only way "out" of your past controlling you.

Is there a way to take a short leave from your schooling, to concentrate on you? If you fear being around your boys, are on the brink of divorce, and your colleagues see you as unstable...it sounds like you are at a crisis point.

What good will being a doctor be, if you've lost your family? You deserve time to work on you! You deserve better than you were given! TRULY!
:hug:Hugs if ok:hug:

Blessings and wisdom being sent your way!
AKJ

 

[Chimera]

Hi, Improbable, great name and welcome to the forums..this is a powerful place to begin learning and hopefully, healing. I wonder are you diagnosed with PTSD and is your therapist a trauma therapist? Because the type of therapist does matter.
Now I want to comment on the anger and dissociation, for me they go hand in hand. Whenever my rage surfaces, I start to dissaociate...I'm guessing my anger is too much and I subdue it by forgetting nearly everything. Because in my life it's not acceptable. The rage doesn't really hurt me neatly as much as it could hurt the ones I love, those I'm trying to protect. So I spend an inordinate amount of time fighting dissociation. Which honestly is stalling my ability to even look at my anger..
I wish I had more to offer, today has me a bit wonky though..Keep searching though, it's the way.
I wish you strength and healing..
Take care

 

[Killashandra]

It's tough no doubt about it, and I commend you for pursuing a career to help others,
So far what is working for me is intense recovery time, I'm doing this through a therapist whom I trust completely, and a lot of self help. Pete Walkers book surviving to Thriving is working well for me to identify the triggers and to understand what I am going through, it's full of things that really spark the light bulb moment for me. From his book I have learnt there are 4 different responses to our trauma, the 4 Fs freeze, fawn, fight, and flight. From what you have written fight seems to be your major responsive mechanism.
Have you heard of them? My responses are freeze and fawn. Sometimes flight but never fight. I have copied the basic human rights list and also the critics shut down affirmations. I have them taped on my wall above the coffee machine. I also took the step to actually ask my friends for some good feedback about what they liked about me and I have those on post it notes in bright colours surrounding the lists. I also use the trauma diary for release as I can't talk about what's going through my head for fear of rejection.

My first attempt a recovery was a bit , oh yeah whatever, until I cam crashing down again and I then realized I wasn't actually dealing with it. Now it's a full on daily recovery process which I have had to have time off as I'm not fuctioning properly in social settings, something that hasn't happened before. It's hard work but I'm hoping it will be worth it. The more I get to know myself and my thought patterns the better it is becoming.
I hope this helps, Goodluck MD
Killa

 

[intothelight]

Welcome! School, children, relationships....life....all of these thing can produce stress and one thing people with PTSD do not handle well is stress, good or bad. Learning and mastering DBT skills for emotional regulation is a great idea, but also go back to the basics of self care to increase your resilence. Enough sleep, proper nutrition and exercise are critical to keep a person functioning optimally physically, mentally and emotionally and as a student, mother and wife those are some of the fist things to go by the wayside.

 

[EveHarrington]

Better Doctor.
Better therapist.

Good ones won't be flummoxed by your issues.

The ones that are?

Not worth it IMHO. (I'd get a better doc!)

Any run of the mill doc can put a patient on meds that stabilize depression. It takes a decent doc who can look beyond that.

I also wouldn't rule out the possibility of your meds exacerbating your current symptoms.

 

[kent101]

I've been watching Ollie Mathews on youtube and studying narcissistic personality disorder. If you have been suffering from NPD parents it may help you. I'm not trying to advertise for Ollie. His videos are somewhat informative and did help me.

 

[mary1979]

Rage and disassociation were my only company in my early 20's.

CBT was the only thing that helped.
Meds made the detachment worse, and talking about my past over and over again made me more furious.

If you cant always identify your triggers (which can be hard when you are in such a bad way that everything sets you off) then next time you feel the rage building, stop. Take notice of the patterns in your body, let the process occur naturally and then write them down as they come.

Take the notes to your therapist and work with them to come up with an action plan.

Took a bucket load of practice but over time my rage was extinguished.

Detachment is harder because I often cant even recognise when I have mentally checked out, but the same theories will apply, once you get to know yourself a little better.

Most of us run on an automatic brain, with a built in set of responses that we developed in childhood in order to survive.
They've all got to be scrapped and reprogrammed, and its really hard work.
Also, go easy on yourself.
You are alive, you made it.
Give yourself some credit for what you have achieved.

 

[Powder]

Your stress level is high with so much responsibility. Life is just a challenge for you at this point. No reason to quit on yourself, so glad you are here to get the supports that you need to reach your goals.

Doing something as consuming as med school with two kids is considered very stressful, even with no stress left over from childhood. If you're asking yourself to be immune to that, then that's just asking too much.

What is most important to you? Whatever the answer, over time, don't give up.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug: