Need Some Advice

[intrasearching]

Hi all,

I have been in a great relationship for a year and some weeks. I love my girlfriend. She's great for me. We are long distance but have had several visits. The longest one was 3 months over this summer. While she was with me, I had some issues, because I have PTSD, but was more or less OK.

The sticky situation is that she lives with her ex. They were together for 7 years and she says she never loved him and that she just didn't have anyone else. I understood that because she is more or less an orphan and her ex was/is her best friend since high school. I have had a lot of trust issues throughout our relationship. Rationally I can see based on her character and her strong love for me that nothing bad should happen. However, as I'm sure many will understand, having her living with the man she had been intimate with for so many years is hard for me on a purely emotional level. I have a problem controlling my imagination and so each day is full of strong anxiety and stress over the fear that my girlfriend will betray me. From the instant I wake up, all the way until falling asleep this anxiety pops up intermittently.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? We plan on moving together next June, when I graduate and she transfers to a university. However, all that time in between might just destroy me. I love my girlfriend so much and obviously want this relationship to succeed. What can I do to reduce my pain over this arrangement? She says that she cannot afford to move because she isn't working and is paying for her schooling. She also doesn't have any friends in the area apart from her ex. So I understand why it has to be this way but that doesn't change the fact that I am struggling.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Oh gosh that sounds incredibly painful.I am so so sorry.

Keep busy. VERY busy. I feel time passes by SO SLOW when I don't have anything to do. I guess that is how I handle everything. I keep super busy so my mind is processing new information and not thinking about old things or painful things. That is my only advice based on my experience. I wish I had more. Do something cute and send her a cute letter expressing how you miss her and say nice things about her. Like, "Oh I saw a green emerald today and it made me think about how beautiful your eyes are." And I mean come on who ever take the actual time to send someone actual mail? I love mail, it is very thoughtful. You can still keep this positive when you guys are a part. Get creative. :P

 

[ashdawn8287]

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you for that advice, ashdawn8287. I try to be mature about all this. I try to deaden my emotions by keeping busy. But she is working hard at school and so she is busy most of the day. All I know is that she is doing work and sometimes playing video games with her ex. She says they have grown even further apart and that he doesn't really talk to her anymore but I don't feel like any rationalization or consolation from her is going to help. I don't want to be unfair, and I really, really don't want to sabotage this relationship, but this arrangement is so painful for me. It actually disrupts my sleep at times; I sometimes have nightmares of her sleeping with her ex and such things.

She's very preoccupied. When we talk, many times it is very deep and reassuring. But this distance... I think I could handle it better if I knew she was living alone. I don't want to control her in any way and so once she explained that moving was out of the question I let up. But still... I won't let go of this relationship and I need to find ways to soothe this anxiety.

You gave nice suggestions and I could employ some of them. I guess staying busy is really the best thing. I wish there was more I could do...

 

[ashdawn8287]

I wish she could see how painful this is on you and with PTSD. I am so sorry. I am glad you posted and are talking about this. I think that will give you lots of relief.

OH those cheating nightmares are HORRIBLE! I wake up next to my fiancee after one of those dreams and it screws with my trust all day! I know he would NEVER cheat so I can't imagine what you are going through being away from her. Sometimes if I fall asleep on the couch and I have one of those dreams (obviously I have a lot of cheating dreams, I have given my heart and soul up before just to have it crushed by those actually feelings in those dreams) and he is in the bedroom I wake up and I yell out his name and panic and he always comes the rescue and reassures me it was just a bad dream and he would never do that to me. I have really bad issues with this and those awful dreams don't help. I guess next time you have one of those dreams, think of this conversation and just know it is only a dream and don't allow yourself to think about the what ifs or all that, because you will waste your time and energy on something that hasn't even happened, that is what I tell myself and practice a lot. It is hard.

 

[ashdawn8287]

her* not him* My mind was on my fiancee haha sorry.

 

[DMerish]

I wonder what perceptions the roommate has of the relationship between himself and her. Have you talked to him at all?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Good idea Dmerish! Maybe befriending him will give you some ease.

 

[intrasearching]

DMerish, thank you for the advice. I have received the same advice from others. I am not sure how that would work out because he doesn't know who I am (it's long distance as I mentioned and I've never been to her place), and he might even dislike me because he apparently was really upset when my girlfriend left him for me. But I think it really would help. I will consider this possibility and suggest it to my girlfriend if it seems feasible.

ashdawn8287 - Those nightmares must have been so painful for you. I am sorry to hear how you have struggled. I am confused because it seems this fear of abandonment plagues many people with PTSD but I never really see it in the medical literature so I often wonder if I have some other disorder I'm not aware of.

Anyway, your advice is good too. As a principle, reminding myself to check with reality and fight my imagination is really wise and healthy. I am sure you understand, though, that the gnawing stress about being left behind can really cause you to lose control. Invariably I end up bringing it up after worrying for a while even though I really don't want to.

I will just have to keep fighting through this. My girlfriend never changes her position and even when she gets stressed and says she needs time alone to calm down, she always tells me she would never leave me no matter what. In the beginning of our relationship she told me that even if I never healed from PTSD she would stand by me.

I think what I need to do is somehow cultivate the self-worth to the degree that I can accept what she has committed to me.

 

[DMerish]

Intrasearching,

I hate ask, but what does her telling you that she had an intimate relationship with her ex for seven years but never loved him tell you about her?

And seven years is a long time to have a relationship with someone, to be relatively in the same place and not make other friends.

Also, it seems a bit odd (IMO) to have a close love relationship with someone for more than a year and not see them at their home.

I'm sorry if I seem a bit confused and I certainly don't want to fuel your suspicious feelings, but something about your situation gives me the sense that there are missing pieces . . . some things aren't making sense to me. But I know, from my own experience with PTSD, my perceptions are not always real keen. Do you know what I mean?

Drew

 

[intrasearching]

Drew - I know what you mean. But I know her so well. It has been more than a year and we have spent a lot of time together over the various visits. I trust her and know her situation. When I examine it there are no missing pieces and I have always been very discerning. I don't believe she is lying or treating me unfairly.

My problem is that I am so triggered by ambiguity and anything that could suggest potential abandonment because of my past. I need to modulate my anxiety because it carries me away and I become very suspicious and upset and I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how my girlfriend feels when it appears that I don't trust her.

I know on the surface this looks like a dubious situation but if it truly was, given how incredibly paranoid I am, I would know it. That's part of why I hate suffering like this so much. I know it's irrational, but I just can't stop.

 

[DMerish]

Why haven't you gone to see her?