Need Some Advice

[intrasearching]

I am a student and have never had the money for it. She has savings and so was able to come see me. Plus she said it would be bad for me because she knows how anxious I am. She says that being around her ex would just fuel my anxiety and would probably make him uncomfortable too. But I have since brought it up and she said she would ask him. She wasn't always against it. It was only when she saw how severe my anxiety was that she rescinded her invitation.

 

[DMerish]

What behaviors did you exhibit when she saw how severe your anxiety was?

 

[intrasearching]

Lots of questioning, talking about how afraid I was that she would cheat on me. I also had my share of total meltdowns where I would become so upset that one time I actually tried to breakup with her and quickly took it back.

 

[DMerish]

Given the circumstances: You're in love with her, she's far away, you don't see each other often, she lives with another male, someone with whom she's was in an intimate relationship with for seven years, your concerns and your behavior sound to me to be quite valid.

Also - If the tables were turned, and you were living with your ex girlfriend who happened to fall in love with someone many miles away, and that person had concerns and anxiety about the you and her, although it may be uncomfortable (at least at first) to meet this person, wouldn't you agree to it - in order to help dispel the guy's grief and truly be a friend to your ex?

 

[ashdawn8287]

I think abandonment with PTSD deals with just being traumatized-need for safety. A lot of feelings accumulate and the PTSD comes out in weird ways sometimes, at least for me. I wouldn't worry about another disorder. I completely understand that and how it is so HARD to control that and then at least for me, hate myself acting like that, because that is not me at all. I feel with myself that the more I practice healthy stuff the less it comes out.

I am sorry you are having those dreams too. They are really not fun. I really hope these feelings with you will pass or your girlfriend starts being more flexible and support your feelings more with this situation.

 

[intrasearching]

Yes I think I would agree to it. If I can afford a plane ticket sometime this year and have time off from school I will go visit her. I doubt she would refuse if I explained to her how important it is.

Thank you for such wonderful responses. Everyone here is so kind and understand. I have posted this issue on other sites and had people tell me I was a fool or that she probably would cheat on me. Neither of those ideas help me. :-P

My girlfriend is supportive, really loving, and she understands me. But she is swamped with school and trying to get into a university for next year and she is not a feeler like I am so sometimes she gets overwhelmed by my issues and becomes hyper-logical and withdrawn. I don't blame her. She has told me that I am unrealistic to think that if she moved away from her ex I would feel better. In a way, I wish she would be more compassionate, but I also know that she is right. She is still his friend. They go to the same school, and they are intending to start a business together. He will be in her life probably forever. I can't change that. But it seriously kills me inside and if she did move away from him I would probably still worry. C'est la vie, I guess...

 

[ashdawn8287]

You are welcome. There is obviously a reason you are with her and you know her best and with me I have huge trust issues so I know if you have PTSD and you are with someone who lives with an ex 1. you are seriously brave 2. She is a really wonderful person and you really can trust her. Remember that. Telling you negative things is not going to help you at all. Not everyone cheats.

 

[DMerish]

I think abandonment with PTSD deals with just being traumatized-need for safety. A lot of feelings accumulate and the PTSD comes out in weird ways sometimes, at least for me. I wouldn't worry about another disorder. I completely understand that and how it is so HARD to control that and then at least for me, hate myself acting like that, because that is not me at all. I feel with myself that the more I practice healthy stuff the less it comes out.

This is very true. I know it for myself as well. I've just learned (for me) it's more helpful to "see for myself" what's what. There are trust issues involved, and if I can't "see for myself" this kind of crazy stuff can become very, very annoying and distract me from the work I need to do in my outer life, i.e. work, school, etc.

My girlfriend is supportive, really loving, and she understands me. But she is swamped with school and trying to get into a university for next year and she is not a feeler like I am so sometimes she gets overwhelmed by my issues and becomes hyper-logical and withdrawn. I don't blame her. She has told me that I am unrealistic to think that if she moved away from her ex I would feel better. In a way, I wish she would be more compassionate, but I also know that she is right. She is still his friend. They go to the same school, and they are intending to start a business together. He will be in her life probably forever. I can't change that. But it seriously kills me inside and if she did move away from him I would probably still worry. C'est la vie, I guess...

At least you are aware of what you'll be working on for a few years, eh? I don't mean that in a mean way at all. I mean that it's much better IMHO to have feelings and emotions (even if doing so causes anxiety at times) than to be numb.

I wish you the best of luck -

Drew

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you both...

I am still having such a hard time. I rationalize and talk it through and think I'm fine but really I'm deeply troubled and convinced that I am losing her in some way. I know I have a problem and I'm trying to manage... I am hoping that therapy will help me through this. I don't mean to be a burden to anyone here by asking for lots of advice but the truth is that I am definitely not OK, I just know that rationally I shouldn't be so upset.

Anyway, thank you for your encouragement. And yes, it's better than being numb (I think).

 

[ashdawn8287]

Can you do anything to relax your body so your mind is relaxed too?

You are very welcome.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Yes Drew, I completely agree. It is like when I react to my trust issues I cannot focus on anything else and cannot get my responsibilities done, BUT with all the work I have been doing in therapy and self care blah, blah, I realize I am better to manage things when something with trust arises and am able to maybe not do all my responsibilities, but I do not sit at home upset all day and can still get the majority of my things done and that is something I haven't ever been able to do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just thinking.... If I was the ex and I found out my former partner never loved me and was just with me because she says she had had no other options, I'd be a little more than ticked off for being used. I'd consider this person to be untrustworthy and wouldn't trust this person to be partners in a future business. Which brings me to my point. I don't think things are as transparent as you're assuming they are. I doubt the ex is aware he was used for 7 years. I doubt he knows she never loved him.

Your girlfriend is a relationship jumper. I know the type. They can't be alone (which is a red flag in and of itself). She jumped to you because it was an "out" to her current situation (in which she used a guy for 7 years, but hey, if you're cool with that and truly believe you're immune to that sort of behavior, all the more power to you!)