Need Some Advice . . .

[Mercy]

What do you mean, stay away from my husband? Do you mean I shouldn't bring him with me?

OOPs I wrote that badly, so sorry. I meant that the wish to see her is coming from you. And the thoughts about not going to see her are coming from your husband. I have no place in the choice to visit with your husband or by yourself. I would not intrude between you both.

so sorry for the impression I gave.

 

[xena21]

I guess I relate in some ways, or I want to relate. Mine was different because it was my childhood and it was my Aunt's son. I still see her regularly now after a long time of not seeing her. I felt very awkward, because I didn't think she believed me about her son doing those things to me. She had been a second Mom to me growing up.

My Mom had let my cousin move in with us despite me telling her he had abused me a few years earlier, because she hadn't "heard" me. That was during my high school years. I was terrified. My aunt and everyone else turned a blind eye, because they were more focused on the fact that my grandfather abused me since I was born. They thought I was just saying things.

Anyway, after I left the house I had a distant relationship with my aunt, and still it isn't the same. I am always awkward with her. I know it's not the same with everyone, and its different with spousal abuse, but I can imagine the Mom of an abuser would feel similar guilt. I try to bridge the gap by going up to her like I used to as a kid. It is definitely not the same, but I make an effort. I think she appreciates the effort and returns it in kind.

I do hope you can find a common ground and have a good time. I wish you the best.

 

[Powder]

I don't know what to respond because I am confused. Why does your husband think ill of seeing her? I had a hard time reading through that part for some reason. Would it be helpful to this thread and to you, EvenStrongerNow, to summarize his perspective at this time?

If not, don't feel the need. I don't know if that is fully known to you, nor do I wish to interfere between you two at all. I just don't know what to say in these cases, as I view, in healthy marriages, that "the two are like one" in some ways and not in some ways.

Often in marriage, one is called to make small sacrifices for the relationship. For me, with my PSTS issues, I struggle, sometimes, to discern what I can and cannot handle or sacrifice for my relationships. I need the relationship as much as I need to heal. They are both in my best interest. So it can be confusing.

I agree with poster above that, ultimately, one has to think of the self. In this case, that is complicated by the primary relationship.

I hope you find a peace of mind and care for you in this troubling time. I know I will be there someday, too, when my abuser dies.

Muse