Need Some Advice . . .

[EvenStrongerNow]

As you know, several weeks ago, my abuser died. There is a long story, I was able to put the hospital in touch with his mother so she could be there by his side in his last hours.

She and I have been keeping in touch here and there through text message since then. I don't know how, but I have even been able to comfort her a few times by saying some good things about her son--even though he hurt me so much. I did this to make her laugh, to make her feel good.

Today, she contacted me while on vacation in Hawaii. She asked me if I had a car and would like to meet with her someday soon a couple of hours away from me to visit.

I was surprised. A flood of emotions came through. Back then, I was very close to her. I looked up to her even. I confided in her a lot, she prayed with me and taught me a lot. Anyway, we were so close. When I escaped from her son and divorced him, she stopped talking to me for awhile. I understood why but it hurt me so much.

I am remarried now and I'm a different person. It has been three years since I've spoken to her and four since I've seen her. My husband doesn't feel good about me visiting with her, but I think I might want to. I think it could be very healing, but maybe I am not thinking straight. I just want to hug her and see her face. I miss her so much. It seems absurd, but I would really love to have her in my life again.

I just wanted to share this to see if anyone else has experience in this area who could offer me some advice or something on the matter. Thanks for listening.

 

[The Albatross]

I have not been in that situation but would be open to seeing her again, at least once.

 

[Mercy]

I can sense, from what you have written, the choice to go see her coming from you, and the choice to stay away from your husband. In the end, we are the only ones responsible for our own souls. Since you have loved her so strongly, MHO, is go see her for a hug, some closure. It is strange, but have you had the experience of being with an old friend you haven't seen in a while and picking up right where you were. Time is irrrelevant. Heart's timing is relevant and true.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

What do you mean, stay away from my husband? Do you mean I shouldn't bring him with me?

 

[Jen93]

What do you mean, stay away from my husband? Do you mean I shouldn't bring him with me?

No, the above poster is just saying that your husband thinks you shouldn't see her from what he says. You two are at a stalemate, and don't know what to do.

I'd say it's up to you. It could be healing to talk to her. Or maybe you might find its a good idea to let her go. It's ultimately your decision, and I think you know what you want to do better than anyone. :)

 

[arfie]

These particulars are quite beyond my experience, but most of my own healing breakthroughs have been outside all standardized norms. In a way, that seems appropriate enough since none of my trauma occurred within standardized norms. May trauma NEVER be standardized or normal... I always followed my gut on when to go and when to pass. There are some things that can't be handled with researchable facts.

My husband felt threatened with several of my off-the-beaten-track healing encounters and I did them anyway, but not in callous disregard of his feelings. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, but I never feel right about invalidating anyone's feelings. The times he was able to come along for the ride were a strengthening of our bond, but I think the times I had to do it on my own strengthened our bond in the long run. Those times grew into mutual trust.

Just my thoughts. Gentle support while you sort yours.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Hmm, I would definitely search my heart and see if I am ready for the possible disappointment that it could bring. I have been in a slightly similar but different situation with my dad, one of my abusers. I decided to reach out to his sister and we have a great relationship, as well now his brothers. Me and my dad started talking a little while after me seeing my aunt and we have an awkward relationship to put it best. However, my relationships with my Aunt and Uncles and their spouses is COMPLETELY separate from my real dad. They each have a different level of understand of what my dad did and acceptance of it. I believe even if I hadn't accepted my dad back in my life, they would've been okay with that.

Granted this is still my blood family, a little back story is I hardly ever saw them as a child due to the abuse and also my mom keeping them away. I really had only gotten to know my aunt as a child, but even then not a close relationship. So I think it can work, only if you're ready to accept whatever level of acknowledgement (or lack of) that she is at. My Aunt has a very good understanding. My youngest Uncle is so passive and he kind of "babies" my dad. My oldest Uncle has always been in discord with my dad and I just learned this past Christmas that it was because he hated the way my dad (and mom) did me. My grandmother is dead, but my grandfather will speak to me, but really thats it.

Hopefully this helps you.. just make sure you keep yourself and your needs first. Don't allow her to go anywhere emotionally that you don't want to go. :hug:

 

[Echo]

I think it might be a cathartic healing moment for you to go and see this woman. Don't necessarily tell yourself that it is the last time you will see her, but consider that it may need to be for your husband's sake. I wonder if you can find a way to include him in this. Maybe take a few days away with him and go and meet this woman. Maybe spend some time with her alone and then let her meet your husband, so she and you can put things into the new context. Maybe ask your husband to come with you because you need his support and may be very upset after seeing this lady. I think there might be a danger of letting your ex get in the way of your relationship with your husband unless you somehow include him in it. There is a danger of being pulled back into something that wasn't healthy, in order to help this lady, maybe to minimise your own hurt, so you don't hurt a grieving mum, who will want to remember her son in the best light. Just a thought.

 

[open eyes]

For the past few months I've been in a similar but different situation. Let me explain-

As a child I was best friends with my neighbor, whose two siblings sexually & emotionally abused me. About 5 years ago their family moved but my friend & I have kept in touch. Until I told her a few months ago, she didn't know what happened.

When I told her, she told me that her siblings had been abused, & also that one of them was currently in an eating disorder clinic, & that the other one had been in a psych hospital 2 years ago for a suicide attempt.

The news confused me a lot. I didn't know how to feel, part of me felt guilty, part of me was still resenting them- but I started telling my friend stuff like, I forgave them, I didn't blame them, it wasn't their fault, etc. None of this was actually how I felt deep down. I was just trying to protect my friend.

What I learned from all this is that I have to come first.

I need to take care of myself before I try to take care of other people. It might sound selfish but it is the only way I could get through it. & I think the same has to happen for you.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think take it easy, and don't over promise anything - if she asks or wants you to 'keep in touch' or see her again, I'd encourage you to not commit to anything, but just 'wait and see'. Let he emotions settle, and the first visit, and feelings, settle first.

Because ultimately, if she wants to stay in touch and wants you to grieve alongside her, I think it is potentially setting yourself up for further hurt.

Have you been in therapy long? Have you dealt with the abuse your ex did to you? Are you stable in terms of the PTSD?

I ask because I think if you are early on in your healing, it would be pretty normal for your feelings towards your ex to change, a LOT. At the moment it might feel ok and fine to be grieving with his mother and talking of 'the good times' but in the grand scheme of things, unless you have done a lot of work in therapy and / or processed the trauma, there will come a time that the LAST thing you want to be around is anyone who wants to remember 'how great a man he was'.

Hope that makes sense.[DOUBLEPOST=1399537822,1399537761][/DOUBLEPOST]I very much agree with @open eyes

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful remarks and for taking the time to support me in this decision.

For now, I texted her back and told her that I would love that and that we'd need to plan that. I left it open ended and made it noncommittal in a way. Because the next time we talk about it, I'm going to let her know that when we do meet, I will be bringing my husband. It will be awkward for them probably, but it won't be for me. Honestly, I have no problems grabbing her and squeezing her tightly just like old times.

I did three years of therapy. I am at a good place with PTS. Also, she has been in her own therapy for the past couple of years she divulged to me so I think this could be healing.

I never thought about it like that though...talking about the good times. I don't know if I can do that yet, but I'm sure going to try. Perhaps I should communicate with her longer through the phone before I plan to meet with her. I forgave my ex the night he died. I don't feel angry about it anymore. It still hurts from time to time when I think about it, but today, with most things, I get to put it back in a box and move along and choose when I visit it. Of course, I still get triggered, but it brings me great joy to say that I've learned how to move along from that too.

I also want to most consider my husband's feelings on the matter. He did ask me how I would feel if the situation were reversed. I told him I'd probably feel the same way he is feeling, but that I would support him and fight through the awkwardness if it was something he needed to do in his healing and I know that is the truth. I don't expect him to change his mind though.

He wouldn't like it if I went two hours away for the day to meet with her without him and I understand why. He cares for me. I think it would be a lot less stress on me if I did it on my own though, but I don't want to tell him, "No, you can't come."

In any case, I understand that I just dropped this on him so he will need some time to process this new news his own way. I can't expect him to just be like, "Yah, let's do this!" He doesn't understand my need for catharsis because he has not processed his own stuff. Perhaps this experience will show him that he can do it too or it will give him the courage to start his own journey.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you closure and the very best for you and for your husband.