Need Something For Anger

[Dazed And Confuzed]

I was sexually assaulted 4 times between the age of 10 & 16. I've been working in law enforcement for 18 yrs and been involved in hundreds of dangerous situations & sudden deaths. I thought I could hold out until I retired but I started to fall apart this past year. I began to have physical problems so I thought there was something physically wrong but was diagnosed with PTSD & depression. I've probably had it since 1999 because that's when people started to notice so I started to hide it. Since I was diagnosed I've had bad side effects on Amitriptyline, then tried Celexa and had bad side effects too. Currently on Effexor, Ativan, Prazosin, Topiramate, Omeprazole and I'm in therapy but none of them seem to help with the symptom that causes me the most trouble, my anger. I hate taking drugs and normally won't take Tylenol or Motrin even when I'm sick but decided for my family that I would do whatever it took to get back to the old me. I don't want to be on all this crap especially since the benefits seem to be minimal and the possible long term health effects are less than desirable. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...Thanks!

 

[WillyKat]

I hope this helps. I've had difficulty with anger too; its very common with PTSD. What helped me, a lot, was honoring the legitimate source of the anger. You were abused, so of course you are angry and have every right to be. When I accepted and later embraced the legitimate anger I felt as a part of who I am, it eased the heat.

Whenever I get angry, I try to remind myself that it all comes from the abuse, and that my principal caregivers weren't savvy enough to recognize that something was wrong. I felt abandoned to the pervert across the road and was legitimately angry about it. It was the inner child saying he's still angry and hurt and frightened.

I once literally hugged myself once when I was so angry I began to cry. The other side of the anger coin is fear, a little boy's fear, and there are a lot of hugs he never got. See, I think we often try to fight the anger by...fighting fire with fire...getting mad. We're just pouring gas on a fire. Embrace it instead.

Has that erased the anger? No. But it has helped. This is a work in progress.

So I can forgive my caregivers in the present, while still embracing the anger of the little boy inside.

I hope that helps. That anger shit sure makes you feel badly about yourself.

 

[BlueDream]

I was on Xanax and a bunch of different anti deppersents for 13 years. I thought that the X helped with my anger, and it may have at the time, but it also pushed down every other emotion I had. So here I am off all meds a year and a half later and I have to start my healing process all over.
I do smoke mj. I understand because of your job, that you may not have that option, but for me it is a life saver!!! I can think so much clearer about my issues, it has a great calming effect, and it makes me smile.
I hope you can find some peace, anger is such an ugly emotion to have to struggle with I am struggling with it myself.

 

[BlueDream]

Thank you @WillyKat I will be incorporating you ideas into my healing.

Whenever I get angry, I try to remind myself that it all comes from the abuse, and that my principal caregivers weren't savvy enough to recognize that something was wrong.

A much better outlook than mine, of they didn't care enough to see that something was wrong.
Again Thank you @WillyKat

 

[Anarchy]

Welcome to the forum!

We all find our way here by different individual experiences, but there will always be someone here who can relate to what you are experiencing.

I think we each find what works for us as individuals

There is another less obvious side to that. In finding what does work, we also find what doesn't work for us as individuals, and those discoveries are just as important.

You mention physical problems. One of my suggestions was going to be seeing whether there's a middle aged group near you doing aikido or tai chi, would you feel able to try that.

I don't know how to post links on this machine, but if you look through my posts on Evan's intro thread, there's a link to an audio book. Ignore the word depression in the title, it works for far more than depression, and teaches skills in tolerating extreme emotions.

Mindfulness skills will stay with you. Drugs only work while you are on them -They don't teach coping skills.

 

[Dazed And Confuzed]

I guess I should give a little more info...I came to terms with my sexual assaults a long time ago. The last one happened 30yrs ago and for years I was angry and got into physical fights every week. I started drinking when I was 13 and alcohol would turn me into an animal and the anger and violence would come out. I stopped drinking alcohol in my 20's and started smoking cannabis which calmed me and the fighting stopped. I quit smoking cannabis about 20yrs ago and was a very happy person. As a side part of my job I have counseled many sexual assault victims and military personnel with PTSD and received great satisfaction from doing so.

The problem as I see it is in the past 18yrs I have literally spent more time with murders & pedophiles than I have with my family & friends and have faced danger on a daily basis. I live in the highest crime rate area of my country and when I'm off work I can't go anywhere without seeing criminals and they all know me so I don't go out publicly with my family. I either go out alone or my family goes out without me because I don't want these people to know who my wife and kids are.

As I stated in my first post I started having anger problems again in 1999 as a result of multiple daily adrenaline rushes from my job but in 2002 I started having flashbacks of deaths at work, hypervigilance and anxiety attacks. The hypervigilance made me better at my job and I was able to hide the rest at work but it would come out at home. When I started having kids I didn't want them to be afraid of their Dad so I had to keep the anger inside or not be around them. I work shift work so on my days off I would sleep in the day time and be awake at night to avoid my family. If I am awake in the day time I have a computer room that I spend most of my time and only come out when I'm in the right frame of mind. I know that sounds bad but I love my wife and kids and I don't want them to know fear like I did when I was young. I thought I was managing a bad situation to the best of my ability but about a year & a half ago I started having head aches that would last for months and daily panic attacks but I didn't know they were panic attacks so I thought I had a brain tumor or something. I checked out medically so they thought it was stress and started treating me which worked for a short time but the issues came back along with nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite, no sex drive, sleep only 2hrs every day or two, night sweats, startle from sleep, short term memory loss and a stiff neck & jaw. I don't know how I was so blind given how familiar I am with PTSD but again I thought there was something physically wrong. Numerous medical tests confirmed that I was physically fine and then a Doctor diagnosed me with PTSD & depression followed by Psychologist with the same diagnosis.

I won't give my credentials for the sake of anonymity but I am trained in martial arts as an instructor, I have been a natural bodybuilder for 32yrs and was a personal trainer so I am fully aware of the benefits of meditation and focusing the mind & body but none of that is working anymore. I need something to turn me from a lion into a lamb and I'm willing to try anything short of chopping off my balls, which don't work anymore. lol I don't care if it turns me into a zombie if it gets rid of the anger!

 

[Flossy]

@Wacko Ward
My suggestion may be unnecessary, but it's worth telling. I have a punching bag and when my mother was alive I would go and punch it after talking to her on the phone. I encouraged myself to swear at her while doing it. Sometimes I would end up crying. Sometimes just the rythmn of the punching would make me feel good.

Don't give up your testosterone (or your balls) :), burn the adrenaline that gets released when you get angry.

If you are not in a spot to punch a bag, I find that clenching the thigh muscles and releasing over and over burns the adrenaline after a few minutes. It's something you can do no matter where you are. You could do a whole body clench.
Think of it as an isometric contraction and a kind of meditation.

Worth a try to see if it dissolves the cascade of chemicals that fuel the anger.

 

[Flossy]

@Wacko Ward Just wanted to tell you also that the anger is a phase in the process I believe. I went through a few years of it. I don't have it any more. Still got depression and PTSD and sadness but the anger has gone. Something to look foreward to, but maybe tell yourself you deserve the anger. Deserve to feel it and express it. I know you can't in public. I did spend quite a few nights having a shower, bending over and doing silent screams until I felt better. Maybe don't fight it, believe it will go in your near future and do something daily to let it out it now. A ritual, a habit.

I love swearing. I'm a potty mouth. I love to swear in the car. Really loud. Try it, it's great. Go fully politically incorrect and enjoy it. Sh#t Bum, Bollocksy Bastard, A##holes, Dikwits, F##faces. That's my contribution. Whaddya got?

 

[WillyKat]

It seems to me you have a great many skills. Have you thought of a career change? That would at least change the kind of people you spend so much of your time with.

 

[Flossy]

I agree with WillyKat. Sometimes, we can know too much. I worked for years in Psych wards and I cannot help but check people for possible personality disorders when I meet them. To protect myself.

Perhaps there is a division in the area you work in where you can put into use the skills and learning you have without being exposed to the humans who perpetrate crime. Profiling? Investigating?

Or could you focus on the physical training side of things? Have you considered becoming a personal trainer? Your own kind of personal training that you bring your personality to.

 

[WillyKat]

Now that I think about it, a relative of mine quit police work because of those reasons. He said he spent all his time around perverts and criminals.

 

[Flossy]

That's why I quite my first two marriages. :) Sorry, had to go there.

I think life is about balance. A good life has balance with the types of people, the exposure to tragedy or pain, activities, etc. etc.

When it gets out of balance it messes up our head because we are not designed to be exposed to any more than is in our village. Joy, quiet, busy-ness, movement, rest, a gasbag with our neighbour, our butcher. A simple life. After PTSD this becomes of paramount importance. To live as though we are villagers. Gather food, walk to the shop, make it, drink a bit of wine, say hello to someone you meet, dont see, out excitement or thrill, move, dig in the dirt, row a boat, catch a fish, cook outside, sit outside at night, scratch your bits, It's what our brains were designed to function on and it's what is good for us.