Real anger or hiding something

[Nic2001]

Hi, my fiance has CPTSD. In intense therapy right now after some suicidal thoughts and drug use. He told me he's being honest about everything now, shows me his pill bottles, etc. Last night it sounded like he was snorting something in the bathroom (not coke cause he went right to sleep). When I asked him what he was doing he became very defensive and angry. Still angry this morning, saying I was accusing him of something by simply asking him what he was doing. Not sure if this is just a defense mechanism that he has shown in the past when someone questions him or if he's hiding something. I just don't know what to do sometimes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That sound is unmistakable. Your suspicion is justified.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

For some reason I used to repeatedly get into relationships with women who ended up being substance abusers. I am pretty sure it had something to do with my childhood. Anyway, 36 years ago I had an epiphany as another relationship with a user ended. I swore I would never get involved with anyone who abuses drugs or alcohol again. When I started dating someone I would watch how many glasses of wine she drank if any. I would pay attention to talk about wine, drugs or partying. I have kept that pledge. Six years later I met a wonderful woman and fell in love. It has been 30 years since we met and almost 28 years since we married. We are currently living apart due to my PTSD. We still tell each other we love each other. We even had a dinner date tonight. We are starting marriage counseling. I am hopeful. However it goes I was blessed to have her in my life for those 30 years. None of it would have happened if I didn’t do some rigorous examination of myself. I am in another period of rigorous self examination currently over my PTSD. If you are like me you have been involved with others with similar problems. Look inward. If there is a pattern, break it and maybe you will be as lucky as I was.

 

[arfie]

hello nic. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i find myself wondering if you are his lover or his parole officer. just wondering. . .

by the time i married in 1980, i had participated in enough psychotherapy to avoid marrying a substance abuser, but not enough to avoid raising one. today the substance abuser i raised is 44 and homeless. i am grateful to say he has no children of his own. i resumed intensive therapy in the late 80's when he began showing the abuser patterns i knew painfully well from my childhood. the question of roles came up often during that therapy. when was i mothering and when was i policing? the difference is substantial. these days i figure my job is not to understand him. my job is to love him until he understands himself and to hope healing happens here.

this question comes up often with the love of my life (still married), as well. he is a very sober man, but when the stresses of life have us sniping at one another, my personal inventory of my own behavior often reveals places where i am trying to control him. we don't GET to control other people, not even the love of my life.

just sharing personal experience. every case is unique, especially in matters of the heart.

steadying support while you find your own path. welcome aboard.

 

[nursenurse]

Trust your gut. He is too defensive. When they have to say they are being totally honest my neck hairs stand up. And folks can generally snort anything that come in pill/capsule form. It is up to him to build your trust if there have been issues around this. Good luck.

 

[Nic2001]

For some reason I used to repeatedly get into relationships with women who ended up being substance abusers. I am pretty sure it had something to do with my childhood. Anyway, 36 years ago I had an epiphany as another relationship with a user ended. I swore I would never get involved with anyone who abuses drugs or alcohol again. When I started dating someone I would watch how many glasses of wine she drank if any. I would pay attention to talk about wine, drugs or partying. I have kept that pledge. Six years later I met a wonderful woman and fell in love. It has been 30 years since we met and almost 28 years since we married. We are currently living apart due to my PTSD. We still tell each other we love each other. We even had a dinner date tonight. We are starting marriage counseling. I am hopeful. However it goes I was blessed to have her in my life for those 30 years. None of it would have happened if I didn’t do some rigorous examination of myself. I am in another period of rigorous self examination currently over my PTSD. If you are like me you have been involved with others with similar problems. Look inward. If there is a pattern, break it and maybe you will be as lucky as I was.

Thank you for your input. I know that I am a codependent so looking inward I am trying to determine if I am being over sensitive given the very difficult time we have been going through or over forgiving due to my own issues. I am having a hard time separating things.

hello nic. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i find myself wondering if you are his lover or his parole officer. just wondering. . .

by the time i married in 1980, i had participated in enough psychotherapy to avoid marrying a substance abuser, but not enough to avoid raising one. today the substance abuser i raised is 44 and homeless. i am grateful to say he has no children of his own. i resumed intensive therapy in the late 80's when he began showing the abuser patterns i knew painfully well from my childhood. the question of roles came up often during that therapy. when was i mothering and when was i policing? the difference is substantial. these days i figure my job is not to understand him. my job is to love him until he understands himself and to hope healing happens here.

this question comes up often with the love of my life (still married), as well. he is a very sober man, but when the stresses of life have us sniping at one another, my personal inventory of my own behavior often reveals places where i am trying to control him. we don't GET to control other people, not even the love of my life.

just sharing personal experience. every case is unique, especially in matters of the heart.

steadying support while you find your own path. welcome aboard.

Thank you for responding. I think that as a mother my love will always be unconditional for my children but as a lover that should not be the case. If he chooses to go back to drugs or other destructive behaviors it is not my place to be the police. But it is also not my job to stay and watch. I have codependent tendencies and I am having trouble separating what is my issue from what is his. I will not police him but as someone who promised to be honest I believe I have the right to question him. The problem is more that he doesn't seem to agree. So do I accept that or not? I don't know

Trust your gut. He is too defensive. When they have to say they are being totally honest my neck hairs stand up. And folks can generally snort anything that come in pill/capsule form. It is up to him to build your trust if there have been issues around this. Good luck.

Thank you. He's not a drug addict but has used drugs to self medicate for his trauma. I'm more upset with his reaction than the fact that he might be abusing something. I wish that he could feel safe being honest with me but I also realize that's not up to me

 

[arfie]

I have codependent tendencies and I am having trouble separating what is my issue from what is his.

this wicked snot knot has gotten worse for me. after 44 years together, our lives are so enmeshed that me, he and we are ever more difficult to distinguish, but the diffs remain critical to functioning as a loving, mutually respectful team. i hope it doesn't sound to silly to say i use grammar therapy to determine if i am lost in this vicious cycle -- AGAIN. am i speaking in first person singular, second person or plural. whose issues am i attempting to sort?

I will not police him but as someone who promised to be honest I believe I have the right to question him. The problem is more that he doesn't seem to agree. So do I accept that or not?

i accept our disagreement unconditionally, especially in the areas of deep conflict, especially when the disagreement is downright psychotic. letting the disagreement escalate only muddles the issues further. the unconditional acceptance frees my psychic energy to decide what to do with the current facts. in consequent conversations, i am also freed from repeat skirmishes with the phrase, "you already know how i feel about that."

for what it's worth
my own hubby and i have not spent our entire 44 years living together. we count our years of living separately as the most important years of our union. those are the years we learned to live and let live. family is bigger than a shared address.