Need Support Please

[cherryblossom]

Hey, HealingOne Link Removed

Welcome to the forum. Link Removed

I'm glad that you found us, and I hope you gain some help from the forum.

I'll be totally honest with you - your situation sounds horrible. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had to face the scumbag that raped me on a daily basis. But you are strong, and you seem to be managing - so well done to you - I'm very impressed.

I don't even know how you would begin to combat the stesses of seeing your rapist every day. It certainly seems very, very wrong to me, that after what happened he is allowed to be at the same school as you.

For now, I suggest you talk to your teachers, school councellor, school nurse etc - anyone who is an adult in your school, and tell them about your difficulties. Don't keep this quiet. Make sure your friends are aware, so that they can help you to stay safe, and witness anything (such as bullying), from anything. Try your best to not be on your own.

Also talk to your school counsellor. He/she can definately help you. The only way to stop triggers is to work hard on your trauma. By that I mean find a safe person who you can talk to (preferably a therapist, or councellor), if you don't trust them ask your parents to help you, and ask them to send you to a 'trauma' therapist. Talk about your trauma, understand how you feel/felt; and with your therapist, work out a way forward.

Good luck
CB

 

[HealingOne]

Thank you CB. I am glad I found this forum too. And I will most definitely start talking to my counselor more about everything.

 

[Leona]

I would go see a school counselor, if you feel comfortable. Don't walk around feeling scared. I used to keep all my pain to myself in high school. I was being drugged and sexually assaulted on a regular basis during the last two years of high school, and I didn't know I could have asked for help. I think if you express your feelings to a teacher or counselor, maybe you'd feel better. Perhaps they'd at least keep a watch on the guy and make sure he stays away from you.

 

[HealingOne]

Yeah my counselor and principal are watching out for me.

 

[Leona]

I'm relieved to hear that. If that guys shoves into you again, I'd report it to one of them, even if it looked accidental. If I had to have physical contact with my abuser again, I'd probably throw up.
Please pay attention to how you are feeling and keep talking to people. I used to have these "attacks" in class (in high school during the abuse) where my body would suddenly feel really "exposed". I'd feel unsafe, panicky, and I'd get really hot and nauseous. I'd actually felt a sense of extreme panic that centered around my private areas. I kept it all to myself and never once said anything. Now I know this was my body re-experiencing the abuse. These attacks were absolutely awful. I'd just sit there wishing a big hole would open up in the floor and swallow me up. With this guy walking around your school, you might experience triggers. Don't keep it to yourself. If I had said something to someone, I could have been helped much earlier on. I'm 45 now and was just diagnosed with ptsd two years ago.
I guess I'm feeling protective of you because you're so young and you're around the age when I started getting abused.

 

[HealingOne]

Okay I will and its a nice feeling having someone be protective of me.

 

[felix]

You are incredibly brave to be facing him each day like this, I don't think I could.

Definately keep people around you and talk to your councellor. I'm not sure where you're from but are the school fully aware of what happened? If he is making you feel so uncomfortable glaring at you, bumping you etc. he should be suspended for bullying at the very least!

The good news is you are not alone and can share as much as you want or need to here x

 

[HealingOne]

Yes the school knows everything that happened. And this year it hasn't been so uncomfortable as last year because I proved to him last year that he didn't own me like he thought.

 

[Leona]

How old were you when this happened in fifth grade? I have sons about your age. My 13 year old is in seventh grade. That would put this abusive relationship around age 11. This boy must have some serious mental issues to be doing this to someone at such a young age. I hope there are people monitoring him. The odds of him doing this again are pretty high, if he doesn't receive some kind of intervention.

 

[HealingOne]

Yeah I was 10 or 11. I don't know if people are watching him and as far as I know I'm the only one he's done anything to.

 

[Hlost]

You are very very brave! Just remember that like I know and most survivors know that these types of monsters rarely victimize just one person in their lives. It's my way to always think of the 50-300 that come after me and just how to do my part to help to prevent that. It's not noble, believe me, it's the side effects of the need to run towards danger and my need to think it's my responsibility to take on the world's responsibility for this abuse. Sometime, maybe one day it will be a great cause but for now it is a type of vendetta that keeps me in the illness and flashbacks. I get that now. A way to keep me angry and vengeful. My Son had said to me one day, how many knives does one person need? I said is there such a thing as too many??? A friend called me 'Stabby' but after my tdoc appoint I was terrified. All my blades are non-lethal lengths and my stunguns, pepperspray, mace, all nonlethal. My guns are all gifts to my Son, in better hands than mine, not that if ever occurred to me to use them against myself or anyone in anger. That was never my way.

I'm off subject, I have no need to be in the same area as my abusers, nothing to prove. They don't ever win. It's good others are aware he is what he is but in my opinion there is no reason to have to suffer needlessly. I'm sure there are various opinions on this. I would think you do deserve a peaceful environment to heal and continue your education. You have nothing to prove. You have only to get better and live beyond just surviving.

That's just my take. Peace and contentment to you. Hugs, HL

 

[HealingOne]

thanks for the hugs HL. Yeah I know, but I don't think I can do anything. Though my friends try to make it as peaceful as they can.