Relationship Need Supporter Help

[abandon455]

What does she get out of any of this? I don’t need space from her, i just need the arguing and having things from a year ago randomly being held over my head and being treated like i assaulted herto wnd or her to find someone else and leave me alone.

 

[Hojay]

I’d venture to say what she gets out of this is not having the responsibility of being in a relationship along with the safety of knowing she’d have someone to go back to if she wanted. You’re part of this dynamic. It’s not just her. If you want her to leave you alone, you need to do that first. There’s an old Buddhist proverb, goes something like this: a monk comes to his master to complain about the noise of other monks outside his room. “Why can’t they keep it down? Can’t they see it’s aggravating? Why is this noise coming in to bother me all the time?” The Master thinks a little while, then says, “I think the question is rather, why are you going out to bother the noise?”

I think this applies here quite well.

 

[abandon455]

So your saying leaveing her alone might teach her something? I used to act like her and until my ex she left i didnt change anything.

 

[Hojay]

No, that’s still enmeshed thinking. Leaving her alone would be the self-respectful thing to do, regardless of how she reacts or doesn’t react. This is about you, not her.

 

[EveHarrington]

She’s essentially keeping you in the “safe” zone.

Not too close, but still around to have you if she wants you.

Really, it’s not a great way to treat people.

I know you want her back, but she’s just dangling carrots in front of you and you willingly follow.

My advice is to just stop following the bait.

And when someone tells you something, LISTEN! She doesn’t feel safe or comfortable around you. It’s time to move on, my friend. She will keep yo-yo’ing you as long as you will let her. I think on some level she loves that you’re still chasing her, otherwise she’d outright tell you to piss off. I think it’s a bunch of BS that she’s so cruel as to tell you she doesn’t feel safe around you on one hand, but to just give her time and she’ll be back.

No no no.

Set boundaries. If you’re in, you’re in. If you’re out, I’m moving on to someone who will love me and not treat me this way.

 

[abandon455]

She also refuses to rebuild that trust even if it is the case. Most couples want to work together not do this.

 

[Hojay]

Yes. And anger is valid and has its place, but really think about how you’re taking part in this dynamic and how you’re giving away your power by not, perhaps, extracting yourself.

 

[abandon455]

I told her if she says one more thing i’m going to have to block her number until she’s willing to call and actually talk to me. Because this makes me severly depressed and then angry and it makes me unstable.having your fiancee go from best partner ever to, to acting like your going to hurt her, ignoring you, telling you openly if you said hi she would tell you to leave her alone and saying i don’t want to see or call you. It affects me and triggers my complex ptsd so bad. I told her i’ll need to walk away if it doesint stop to spare myself because Even if she really means to come back i would be so paranoid of being abandoned again or this happening or if she really means it i couldint mentally be around her.

 

[Hojay]

Understandable. I say stick to that boundary. Look out for you. Do things that make you feel good about yourself.

 

[abandon455]

I’ve been hiding out, but seeing her yesturday triggered me. Then hearing even if i said hi she would tell me to leave her alone hurt me really bad. Having someone who asked me if she paid for tickets to Alaska would i come and told me everything then getting into a small argument about something stupid now acts like i’m going to hurt her and afraid to even see my face and has taken me off everything and wants nothing to do with me basically.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you both have PTSD?

 

[abandon455]

correct we both do, i have complex ptsd and i used to isolate and act like she is now without the fear more anger.