Relationship Need Supporter Help

[abandon455]

i think your right, i used to act like her in everyway, i didn't learn until my last partner left. i was cold, blamed her and isolated for months and it was unfair. until she completely cut me out i never noticed all the toxic behaviors i had and stoped blaming anything and anyone for my own bad choices. i felt i could do what i wanted and she would still be sitting around waiting and gave me no incentive to stop isolating and my outbursts and pushing away. my threadiest has said sounds like she acts like who you used to be and you act like your ex.

 

[Sweetpea76]

i want to come back just speak to me normally until I'm ready to come back but i don't know when I'll be ready to see you." but she seems to push when i speak to her

Have you read the stress cup article? The ptsd cup explanation

^^^ this is what is going on with her. It seems like she wants you around and wants to talk to you... she just cannot handle any "come to Jesus" talks about your relationship or handle any hugh emotions from you. She can't even handle her own emotions, so she cannot handle any of this.

Talk to her about the weather. About movies. About anything except how upset you are and relationship drama. Give her a little time to settle down, especially since this is the first time she's been symptomatic around you. See what happens.

I'm not saying suck it up and not have any needs or boundaries... I'm saying give her a few weeks and see if she does any better. When your partner is symptomatic they're in survival mode. That means relationships aren't a priority... they're just trying to hold it together.

 

[abandon455]

never read it but i will, saw her today wanted to say hi but didn't texted her and said i saw her and she said she would of just told me to leave her alone and said she didn't feel comfortable or safe seeing me for some reason. but she doesint want me to leave or stop talking to her but i don't really understand.

 

[Hojay]

This is rough. But I have to add: she is not taking responsibility for her actions. This may be due to age—I think it’s hard to find anyone below a certain age adept at taking responsibility for themselves fully—it may be due to the fact that you (and others) are enabling her blind spot by sticking around and not letting her confront her own maladaptive behavior on her own. It’s hard to say. Even harder to say when you are so entangled with a person, you can’t keep their version of reality apart from what you know to be true. Trust yourself.

Yes, ptsd can cause isolation, withdrawal, and push/pull. I think the severity of that can dictate how likely a relationship is going to work. There are sufferers out there (mine included, 99% of the time,) who are able to treat their supporters with respect and compassion despite their need for space and time. They will make sure you know it has nothing to do with you and communicate reasonably so that you’re aware of where you stand. My guy doesn’t isolate indefinitely. He knows I’d be gone if he told me he “wasn’t quite sure about me” and needed indefinite space to maybe, perhaps figure it out. It’s clear we’re together and what his space entails.

Also, you don’t need to have PTSD to string someone along. It’s a terrible habit people engage in who have little respect for the feelings of another human being. I lost two years of my life once hoping a washy washy guy re-chose me, only to find out that he was quite comfortable in the pusher/pursuer dynamic. Never again. That’s also a personality thing, not necessarily PTSD.

My advice would be, cut your losses. You don’t need her to validate for you that this is unacceptable and an untenable situation. You don’t need her for you to make the choice that you need to be treated better. It’s difficult to digest a change like this a year in, but trust me, it takes years for people to reveal who they are. This is her.

 

[abandon455]

Well, she acts afraid of me for some reason, like even saying hi to she’s not okay with and says she doesint feel safe. I have no idea why after knowing me so long.

 

[Hojay]

Could be that something about the relationship triggered her. In any case, it’s not your fault. You didn’t trigger her, she was triggered. Question is rather: do you feel safe around her now? Emotionally, psychologically? That’s worth examining.

 

[abandon455]

I mean i don’t feel she’s a danger. I just feel like she treats me like i assaulted her and won’t call or see me because she’s not okay with that and to a point if i said hi to her when i saw her she tells me she would tell me to leave her alone because she doesint feel safe but yet doesint want me to stop talking to her. Keeps saying she loves me but needs to be left alone

 

[Hojay]

Right, and I wonder, does that make YOU feel safe in this situation? Does it make you feel safe, respected, and acknowledged? She’s telling you to go, but stay, no go, but please don’t leave. Essentially, she’s asking you to put your life on hold while she may or may not deal with her stuff. Where is your power in this? Look at what she’s asking you to do. It’s all about what she wants. What do you want? It were different if she had told you, “Look, I’m struggling, I need space. I still love you and want to be with you, it’s not you. Is that ok with you? How can we make that work for both is us?” That’s Isolation in a committed relationship (albeit maybe not as perfectly as stated above, but it’s the goal.) Everything else is, I don’t know, living at the whim of someone with a mental illness with nothing in return.

 

[abandon455]

Makes me feel terrible, it’s like i’ve taken you off everything from spotify to barely text you and you can’t say hi to me if you see me on campus without looking like a stalker if she said to leave her alone. I’ll bring up everything from the relationship to justfy why i’m doing this and how dare you call me toxic when you said hurtful things to me a year ago but now i can’t be around due to those things a year later. As she says it’s not toxic for me not to want to see you!!! Thats why doesint she just leave me alone or go away if she’s that afraid.

 

[Hojay]

Exactly, and I think you have every right to be angry. At some point, it shouldn’t matter what she says or why or what the reasoning is. You have to live in accordance with your own values—also your own value—and stop pursuing somebody who is clearly either too self involved or too ill to hold up her end of the stick. I’m all for giving sufferers space when they need it and respect their boundaries. But this isn’t that. You have to respect your own boundaries first.

 

[abandon455]

And sometimes i just wish she would just hate me or something and leave me alone instead of acting like this. I don’t hate her it just gets old hearing about how she doesint trust me, doesint want to see me or be around then when i say find someone who you would then. She goes i’m not going to find someone else just because i’m not with you. It’s like a circle and i’m kinda in like shut up or leave me alone place.

 

[Hojay]

If you want her to leave you alone, you need to do it first. Believe her when she says she’s afraid and leave her alone, completely. It’s comfortable for her: she’s getting what she needs (space) with none of the responsibilities along with the safety of knowing you’ll be around to pursue. She has a lot of power in this situation. She has no reason to abort the operation other than perhaps basic human decency. It seems like you need some space from this too. Give yourself that. And all that said, what’s happening here is, in my eyes, only marginally connected with PTSD.