Medical Need Surgery/scared Shitless/horrified That I'll Need Intubation

[ButransGirl]

Hi all,

So, in August i had suffered multi organ failure and anoxia, and at the very end of being in the ICU, i can remember a few days of being on a ventilator, unable to communicate, in pain and with no idea of where i was or what happened to me. I have flashbacks multiple times a day bc the staff neglected me and i have bed sores and nerve damage in all four limbs from being restrained in the vent.

But now i need surgery to fix the nerve damage in the one arm that was a result of the neglect... And i really don't think I'll have to be on a ventilator for it, but i can't stop worrying that that's what will happen. I'm afraid they'll choose to intubate me with the anesthesia bc of my medical history. I'm scared. I think it's irrational but that doesn't stop me from obsessing. I don't ever want to have a breathing tube again, ever.

I've made a durable power of attorney so that if something awful happens and I'm intubated, that it'll be taken out and that'll be up to God. Not just bc i never want to remember being on a vent or being extubated again, but also bc i don't think my brain can handle another brain injury without leaving me to be markedly impaired.

I've researched it, some say you need a tube for general anesthesia, some say you don't. I guess i need to call my doctor on Monday and ask. Plus, my booklet says I'd be given narcotic pain medicine script in the booklet for the recovery, and mine only had a lame nsaid, which i already take. So i have to make sure the Dr isn't planning on operating on me without managing my pain during the recovery anyway.

Anyone had this awful ventilator experience? They should've sedated me more!!! But i know why they didn't... My parents wanted me to wake up, so they listened and gave me PTSD instead. I cannot even explain the horrible thoughts in my mind... But I'm sure many of you understand.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. So faced with a surgical procedure to repair nerve damage... you are more interested in feeding the anxiety and anticipatory stress than how to get through it ... asking for "anyone had this awful ventilator experience"??? I've had some whole shit medical stuff happen to me, but... I don't believe in feeding the beast (the horrible thoughts). Why are you?

 

[ButransGirl]

You're absolutely right and i wasn't aware of this factor when i wrote it. It was followed by a 45 minute screaming rant about how awful my parents are and Would very much have been better just left alone in my head and quelled with snuggling my boyfriend... I also did want to connect with people who've gone through this, and my sentence was supposed to say, "does anyone know if minor surgery requires intubation, but my brain went on autopilot," instead. But yeah, I'd like to know how to get through it.

 

[The Albatross]

Others may come forward... intubation not my experience unless they did it when I was knocked out. I woke up early with esophageal tubes still in though in OR once. But that didn't really freak me out... too much stuff had happened before then. I just gave em the thumbs up and watched them scramble around while they did their protocol and set themselves to treat me so I wouldn't go into shock. I actually thought it was funny at the time. Not so much later on though.

The most direct way to see if you need a strategy though is to ask your surgeon if you'll need a vent. Then you can thwart anticipatory stress and pick/self examine your main issue... like maybe not being able to communicate (reading again your post).?

 

[Chava]

Do you need to be intubated for this procedure? That's a question for your doctor. You got PTSD from intubation? Do you know what set you up for the severe anorexia? That's a side issue, I know, so you don't actually have to answer if you'd rather not get into that.

I've been intubated a few times. I'd do it again if I had to. I actually feel pretty safe knowing I'm breathing!! First, ask your doctor if this will even be an option. And if so, ask for a strong anxiety med, sedative, and/or narcotic to help numb and knock you out. You can get medicated just to sit in an MRI machine (I think that's pretty easy), so why not with intubation? And if you don't want your parents there, tell them you would like to see them only when you get home...or set up some sort of boundary that feels helpful to you.

 

[ButransGirl]

Anoxia= no oxygen to the brain. I died, was revived, in a coma for 6-8 days. When i woke up, i was strapped to a hospital bed breathing through what felt like a tiny straw, the breathing tube. I had brain damage, didn't know where i was or what had happened to me. I was scared, in pain, and suctioning of that tube was beyond painful because i had sepsis and pneumonia. Eventually they took out out, and i relearned how to walk, talk in sentences, and use my hands again. Everything had to be relearned. I could understand people, but not uncommon words, but not my neurologist who had a heavy Indian accent.

If i could do it all over again, i would make the nurses reposition me so i wouldn't have bed sores, and sedate me enough that i wouldn't remember the ordeal or damage both my arms to the point of needing surgery. Then i would kick them and my Dr in the face for messing it up the first time.

This really all comes down to me needing to call my surgeon to see if I'll even need a vent. I probably won't need a vent. I obsess too much. My brain is constantly trying to kill me. I just wasn't obsessing about this earlier, so i didn't make that call. Now it's clear that i need to do it asap.

Not being able to communicate is only half it. I was also restrained bc i had been trying to pull out my tubes before i was really awake. I was completely helpless. All i knew was the nurse kept coming in and hurting me with that damn suction bs. They weren't giving me anything to stop my coughing. They had a fan directly in front of my face to help bring down the fever. Did nobody tell them that ibuprofen works better than regular strength Tylenol at stopping fevers? Their incompetence is beyond help. It was evident to even the common lay person.

My parents won't be told of my surgery date. I'm avoiding them. My boyfriend will be there, and my friend has durable power of attorney so if anything happens during the procedure, my wishes will be met.

If i require intubation, i will ask for propofol and versed for even before that starts. And luckily my psychiatrist gave me 30 Xanax this month as well as some Prazosin. That should be plenty to deal with the stress...

 

[Chava]

Anoxia= no oxygen to the brain. I died, was revived, in a coma for 6-8 days.

Ah, sorry, I know anoxia, but my brain just reads "anorexia". Sorry but thanks for spelling it out.

I was scared, in pain, and suctioning of that tube was beyond painful because i had sepsis and pneumonia.

So you were in for these conditions and they caused the anoxia? That's the trauma part, not the tube, even if it hurt. But I can understand being scared about the possibility of being intubated again.. I was intubated for pneumonia (collapsed lungs, not in a coma that I know of, but not conscious for a couple weeks). Later intubations probably triggered something but actually weren't too bad (though spread out in more time for me).

Not being able to communicate is only half it. I was also restrained bc i had been trying to pull out my tubes before i was really awake.

So they screwed up the first time and you have nerve damage. Even if that weren't the case you have every right to go into this procedure feeling like you have control. Ask your doctor (or the one doing the procedure) every question you can think of, well in advance of the surgery. Will you need to be anesthetized? How? Will you need intubation? Will your arms be restrained? How can you communicate if needed? Can the non surgical arm be free? The more you know the more empowered you will feel. The last situation you had no control over and was a total emergency. For smaller scheduled procedures I bombard my doctor with questions and concerns. She is so patient but I need to understand all aspects of it...for this control/power thing. I have to be able to piece it together and imagine it as safe in my head. Last procedure I had was totally safe but I had to be able to imagine it and go through the process in my head a while, trying to keep a positive and "I'm okay" tone.

Also, the intubation would not be so painful in itself. And, while possibly a trigger, it did not cause the last trauma (the near suffocation/death did and everything else is still scary, but secondary). So that would actually be different. But if you are panicking about that aspect, get all the info you can and ask these questions of your doctor.

 

[RussH]

Is it possible that the doctor can do a nerve block for the surgery instead of a general?

 

[ButransGirl]

Nah, the pain and pins and needles is only part of it. The nerve entrapment has atrophied my hand muscles as well. If it's left too long without being corrected, I'll get a clawhand, which isn't pretty, especially on an unmarried childless 33 year old woman. I actually considered canceling the surgery and my boyfriend said, "that's not an option bc then how would i take care of the children we want to have in the future?" He does have a valid point.

I'm calling my surgeon tomorrow.

 

[RussH]

Nah, the pain and pins and needles is only part of it

The nerve block would be for the surgery. It would allow them to do the necessary surgery without heavily sedating you. I would be similar to a spinal block that some women have for child birth, but they would only block the nerves to the arm.

 

[ButransGirl]

Hmm i will ask my dr to consider that! Thanks!

 

[ButransGirl]

I'm a moron! The office finally called back and said no breathing tube, it's only used in emergency.

But my asshole Dr canceled my surgery anyway. He said there's too much muscle involvement and muscle wasting that i need to go to a specialist. Uhm ok. Second time an ortho has canceled my surgery for this hand. The muscle has atrophied so much bc Dr's keep doing this to me!

I think the real issue here is that i called two days before asking for tramadol or codeine bc the pain is so bad without my diclofenac and aleve. And since i had a drug induced psychosis from my prescribed narcolepsy medication that led to an overdose of my prescribed pain medication in August, no Dr wants to prescribe anything to me. This is their way of getting rid of me. It's also leading me to have a crippled hand that's not going to ever be normal again.

And i got this damn injury in both arms bc Dr's didn't bother sedating me enough while i was in a coma to stop me from fighting restraints for 6 days. Dr's have failed me over and over again, either by prescribing something toxic for me or not prescribing at all and they keep failing me. I'm not one for spinning a web of lies, but I'm starting to want to just go to a totally different hospital, get new Dr's and not tell them what happened to me! They're certainly not making it easy for me or rewarding me with trust for being honest with them!