Need Therapy

[dnp]

I have never been to therapy, ever. I have so many walls. When I start to look up therapists I feel overwhelmed and then paralyzed. I shut down. I feel hopeless, afraid, ashamed. Then there is the money issue. I have to pay all health care costs myself and the rates for therapy here are $150 to $300. Everything here is extremely expensive, including prescription drugs, medical tests, etc. The costs alone are overwhelming.

The field I work in is obsessed with image and prestige and there is a large stigma against mental illness. We were told unofficially to keep our medical records clean and not to see a mental health provider for anything. So a lot of people turn to substance abuse instead.

Recently I was triggered and the panic attacks, chest pains, etc. were hurting my ability to function. I do not know if I have PTSD but I know this site has helped me. For example, my psychosomatic symptoms were severe. I realized that I was continually having flashbacks and when I had them my chest and stomach pains, etc. would get worse. So now when I start to have one I force myself to try to meditate and empty my mind. The extremely acute and intense chest and stomach pains went away. I still have pain but it is more manageable.

From my diary I can see that I have been a very damaged person my whole life. I wish I could see a therapist and tell them everything. Seeing others on this board being open about their experiences is helping me feel more comfortable. Before I felt like my only choices were to repress everything and maintain the facade or die. Now a third choice is starting to open up for me for the first time, accepting that I am damaged and learning to live with it.

 

[safenow]

Hi dnp,

It's too bad your work is putting that type of restriction on you. They are really causing more harm than good by doing that.

I"m sorry you are having these panic attacks. If I may, I'd like to share some ways to help with those. Flash backs suck, big time.
Here is a link to a page of my journal/diary. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-it-all-began.30110/#post-485404[/DLMURL] It has a way to calm yourself that really works.

Feel free to talk here. You are going to find a lot of wonderful people here who will listen, and offer some practical advice. Lots of great information on this site.

Take care. See you around the forum.
safenow.

 

[Alykins]

dnp, Are you sure you want to stay in your current job? I know it seems crazy to up and quit, especially in today's economy, but it definitely sounds like they don't have their employees' best interests at heart. I know for me personally, it's important that my employer values me as a human being flaws and sick days and all.

Definitely stick to the things that help when you're in panic mode. I've never been able to force myself to meditate or empty my mind, and it gets so much worse when I try. Slow, deep, controlled breathing helps me. I try to inhale for a count of 10 and exhale for a count of 10. It's a similar way to refocus the mind, distract it from the bad feelings. And I can't get to 10 unless I'm calm. Just the act of deep breathing has a calming effect, so it's like double duty.

I know, and I'm sure millions of other people know, exactly how overwhelming it is even just looking around at therapists. The one thing you shouldn't feel is shame! Millions and millions of people have been or are going to therapy! I was really, really nervous the first therapist I found. So I told her! I also didn't come out straight away and say I was abused. I said I was depressed. Eventually, she had gained my trust enough for me to tell her what happened to me. But, I was too scared to say it out loud so I left her a letter in my chair at the end of a session (so I wouldn't have to see her reaction).

As for cost, I hear you loud and clear. I can't afford insurance, so costs end up ridiculous. I can't pay what I pay for rent for therapy every month too! Check with universities in your area. As I was thinking about getting a therapist again and researching costs the other day, I found out that our nearby university offers services FREE (completely FREE) the only caveat being that you'd be seeing a graduate student that's training. I thought that was pretty great and worth knowing. I'd imagine they could do it "off the record" too.

Also, the people here are amazing. Quick to offer even just a supportive ear (or eye, really).

 

[dnp]

Thank you for the replies. You are my role models in healing.

I was told not to seek mental health treatment awhile ago before my first background check. It wasn't my current employer. I've had five background checks in my life and I might need more someday. They can and do ask for mental health records. I am definitely looking at alternative jobs that will allow me to pursue healing wholeheartedly. I have been looking at the employment section of this forum for ideas on what others are doing.

 

[Mella]

If you do decide to see a therapist, despite the cost and your employer's saying you can't, I just wanted you to know there are non-profit organizations where you can see a therapist based on your income or for a reduced fee. In my opinion, it's discrimination to say you can't get mental health help. I don't know where you live, but there are organizations and therapists everywhere that you can see who do reduced costs. I wish you the best...

 

[dnp]

Thank you. I am taking baby steps in learning about this. I am starting to read about the biochemical aspects, the interaction between adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine. I am starting to read about the brain and MRI scans. I am trying C-12 peptide supplements (natural ACE inhibitor), green tea, black tea, and a host of other things seeing what works and what doesn't.

I am prepared to spend money on my healing and I will leave my field if I need to but I want to do more research first. For example, for $3,000, should I pay for one MRI, 10 therapy sessions, or a year's supply of supplements, massages and yoga lessons? These are things I am learning and researching.

When I made this thread yesterday I was overwhelmed by the flood of memories. I spent most of the day in bed. Today I feel better and can think more rationally. I was not troubled by memories today. I am not sure why today is different than yesterday. I am trying to figure that out. Thank you for supporting me when I was drowning.

 

[WillyKat]

First, what your company is doing sounds illegal. Second, your medical records sure as heck should not ever come up on a background check; that is an invasion of privacy and I doubt any medical facility would give up such records without a court order. Such an order would never be granted for your employer; maybe for some serious legal proceedings.

Have you talked with someone who knows the law? You may have grounds for a law suit.

That said, the law frequently does not stop employers from doing what they want.