Need to know im not alone

[Acu]

need to get this off my chest, need to know im not alone.

In T today something came up for me that i hadnt really realised before? Engaged with? Not sure what the word is.

T and i were talking about my childhood abuse and how i always wondered if there were others, she asked me why it was something that mattered to me and well it kind of arrived at the thought that little me was, little me, urgh i cant even type it, little me loved him.

Am i the only kid to ever love someone that caused me misery? Please tell me im not alone in this, rotten to the core, that i should keep going on with T because im terrified now.

 

[Alez]

You are surely not alone there. It is hardwired in a child's brain and heart to love their abusive parents and it sucks royally. Although they did not love us, we love them and so need their love and the tragedy is that they do not love anyone but themselves I think.

My family was so messed up that I chose to go no contact to protect my kids from them and it took me many years to quit grieving the loss of the illusion of my family. I was in therapy and it was really hard. I am suggesting that you choose this either. But you are not alone. I also hated my abusive parents at the same time too.

They only wrecked destruction in my life. Now they are both dead and I am glad and relieved that they cannot hurt anyone ever again. I sure wish a lot of healing and good solid information about this love for you to learn as much as you can to find out what a good person you really are.

 

[Dude]

hi there
you are not alone at all you have come to a good place to help you talk. There are lots of us who have and still do feel as you do here. I would suggest you come out of this forum and do a post in introduction forum and let us start to get to know and you get to know us. You have nothing to hide from here.

I hope you can have the courage and strength to come forward. this place is full of good people that have been hurt badly by others. that are willing to sit and listen and tell their experiences in a kind, compassionate and none judgemental space. I am sorry for what you went through to need a place like this. glad you were able to find us and make a post.
peace be safe

 

[Acu]

Thanks, im a regular member im just so disgusted and ashamed of myself that i dont want people to know who i am

 

[Noreg]

Am i the only kid to ever love someone that caused me misery?

Hardly. It's actually pretty common. Research trauma bonding. But my step dad was a cult leader, likely a psychopath that tortured me but at 12 yrs old he had me believing he was in love with me and I was convinced I was in love with him and still today, 17 yrs removed from it & 8.5 yrs (almost 9 yrs now) in therapy and I still call him my first love. I still fantisize about him and get turned on when I think of those "gentle sex" times and yeah, you are certianly not alone with that at all. Super common.

 

[Lahiz]

It’s probably more common for someone to love an abuser than to not love them.

 

[Etesu]

What do we know about love, until someone shows us otherwise. That’s how I work with it now . This thing called love, what then do I call it bow when I know the things done by the person I loved were so unloving?

 

[Muvufo]

Am i the only kid to ever love someone that caused me misery? Please tell me im not alone in this, rotten to the core, that i should keep going on with T because im terrified now.

Not only do most kids love their abusers, but what do you think most adults answer is when asked why they stay with -or go back to- their abuser? “But I love them!”

 

[Meduhef]

I was 4 or 5. Two stepdads lived with us. My mom worked a lot and wasn’t around. Every time she came home I would run to the door and wrap my arms around her legs no matter what could happen to me, she would save me so I loved her.

One stepdad was hitting me with a belt a lot I know now. I was terrified of him and he would hit my brother too. He always made us pull our clothes down first, maybe because it hurt a lot more or maybe for the humiliation I don’t know.

I was just hungry and tried to sneak some leftover nachos they left on the kitchen counter for me and my brother. I remember trying to take food a lot, fantasizing about food and playing cookbook games with my brother to forget how hungry we were. I remember trying to protect my brother and making deals with my stepdad so I was hit instead of brother.

I don’t feel I had love for that stepdad but that doesn’t mean I didn’t maybe I just didn’t remember.

I have no memories of my sister at this point in my life but the other stepdad is her dad and my brothers. My mother had lied to him and said that I was his, he knew I wasn’t.

I was even younger 3 or 4 I never knew what was going on. I don’t remember his abuse at all. All I know is I had to go to therapy because I wasn’t talking anymore and they gave me a plastic bat to hit dummy with over and over to pretend it’s other stepdad. This is what my mother says because I have no memory.

I am four or five again.
My other stepdad at this point doesn’t include me at all, while everyone else gets to interact together I am left alone in the room by myself. “If you open that door,I will bust your butt!” Says belt-wielding stepdad. Over the years it seems I spend an eternity on the other side of the door. Getting lost in my head.

All I ever wanted was one of these dads to love me.. But I am always excluded. Deep down I wanted the acceptance of them and so maybe I loved them on some level but I don’t know.

 

[Alez]

I am so sad to hear you telling what happened to you. I am so glad that you are here getting real support now.

 

[Acu]

OP here, thank you all for sharing, T said it was normal but i needed to hear it from people who had actually been there, beating myself up less for it now, thanks

 

[Ehi]

OP here, thank you all for sharing, T said it was normal but i needed to hear it from people who had actually been there,...

Thank you. You curiosity has helped me too. I had never shared that before.