Sexual Assault Need To Switch This Off..!

[Mammo]

Hi everyone

Sorry it's been a few months since I last posted anything. Things have been busy as I moved country.

Desperately need some help/advice.

Apologies in advance if this is in part too graphic.

I was raped in 2011. My view was that I wasn't particularly upset or bothered by it, though obviously very unpleasant experience.

It was only 2 years ago I told a small group of friends.

The amazing news is I have met a man I really like and think is amazing. Literally blown away by how kind he is and is reminding me of how nice men can be.

The problem is sex though. I hadn't been with anyone since it happened. So was apprehensive as didn't know how I would react.

First time - I made it through, didn't freak out or burst into tears (thankfully!). Was a bit overwhelming, and painful physically. But lovely.

Last night though didn't go well. (Really sorry if too graphic here):
There's one thing he does which is reminding me really strongly of what the other guy did, and I end up freaking out and clinging to him basically asking him to stop.

God knows what he must be thinking.

Uh, then he was trying to um, enter (sorry) and it hurt so I gasped/whimpered a bit.

He stopped. Tried to get me to relax by basically massaging my back. To no avail as I'm ridiculously tense.

Then it seemed like he gave up. He ended up sleeping. I was awake, crying and no chance of sleeping so I got dressed and went home as I didn't want to wake him up.

Questions:
1. Is there anything I can do to stop me from being reminded in the moment?
2. What, how much, if anything do I tell him? I've said nothing, but I doubt he thinks my behaviour is normal.
3. How can I switch this off???? I'm so frustrated with myself- it was 5 years ago, and here I'm with this great guy and I feel like I'm completely incapable of "being" with him because of some a**hole and/or because I'm potentially really this messed up?!

I don't want this guy to get upset; think he's done anything wrong; or freak out that he's going to break me. Part of me just wants to scream, "just do it!!" And gradually I'll relax more....?

Please help

 

[mary1979]

:(

You're going to have to tell him.
If you don't he will think it is something he did and withdraw.

I know that I hard, but if you are intimate enough that you are sleeping together there must be some level of trust built already?

You dont have to share all the gory details, just something like ' I had a trauma in my past, I'm not ready for full disclosure yet, but this this and this is very distressing for me and will hold our intimacy back. Its not you, its me'

If he cares, he will work with you and you will be able to begin to heal.

Go easy on yourself, 5 years or 10, you haven't had to deal with this at all yet.
Your feelings are natural and reasonable x

 

[Sideways]

"Making it through" with gritted teeth and your trauma on your mind is probably an exercise in retraumatising yourself. You need to not do that, otherwise it's just making it worse.

Using the exposure approach, you'd spend a long time working towards sex. Regular intimacy that doesn't end in sex. You're building up a back catalogue of new, positive experiences, where you feel in control, so that when you do finally get to the sex, it's a natural progression that your brain associates with a history of good experiences that have come before it.

If you get to sex and the trauma comes back, stop. It will be retraumatising. And if there's one thing that won't work, it's the continual mantra, "Don't think about it, don't think about it..." because that guarantees you'll think about it.

Each time you do have to stop because the trauma interferes in your head, break the cognitive link with your boyf by getting him to do something nice, but safe. Ask him to give you a foot massage or something, so that your brain isn't perpetuating the "sex is dangerous" record.

And if he's worth it, hang in there. With some patience, you'll get through this:)