Need Validation Or Advice...

[Hashi]

Do you know what to do to manage the riggers I spoke about throughout this post?

I manage things in a very different way to most people, and I think a lot of people don't relate so I'm not sure it would be helpful. An example is that I don't use the word trigger. I think that word would keep me viewing myself as powerless and stop me from seeing each situation for what it is and dealing with it on that basis. Another thing is that I do a lot of visualisation to feel strong in myself and protect myself from the effects of other people. We may well be on completely different pages so I probably wouldn't be much help.

I think I may be more protective of myself in practical ways too. I wouldn't stay involved with a person as draining of energy as your friends sounds. I'm confused by what you said in your last post . For example, you say during your visits you have a good time, but didn't you say in your first post that you've had a total of two visits and that she cancels one or two every week? I wouldn't be able to separate those two things out. I don't see the benefits outweighing the issues.

If I was very symptomatic, I wouldn't have contact with this person. I would be careful choosing what/who to spend my limited energy on, and would have to accept that I can't try to deal with too many things at once. That would include people who need as much support as your friend does. You've said she's understanding if you explain when things are too much. In that case, I'd tell her things are too much and I need a complete break from the relationship.

I think with PTSD you have to be strategic about what you focus on and you have to be ruthless (including with yourself) about keeping to priorities. To me, priorities are things like a relationship with a supportive partner, friendship with people who don't cause me so much angst, and coping with practical life. Not an emotionally charged relationship with someone I need to keep my guard up against.

I can not do that with strangers and friends I only get to see once in awhile.quote]

Then don't.

 

[nursenurse]

I am sorry for what you are going through, but it seems like your friend is more toxin than friend. Life is too short to be constantly dragged down by someone, PTSD or not. As friends we are there for each other in good times and in bad. From what you have written, this person is more of a cinder block dragging you to the bottom of the river, with an occasional bob up due to the current. I know it would be difficult, but I would cut myself loose if I were you. It sounds like you have a very supportive partner. You mentioned one friend who does not affect you. Spend you energy on them, those who uplift you. You deserve peace, not a frazzled soul.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hashi, actually that makes perfect sense. We aren't on the same page, you are right, but I am trying to get to that page that you are on. Nobody has broken it down like that before.

I am compassionate to a fault . . . I just feel bad for people and wish I could do everything all at once. I used to be able to and I just have to accept that I can't anymore. Nobody should anyway. Thank you so much for your response. It was tremendously helpful!!

When you said, "accept that I can't try to deal with too many things at once", I realized that my T has been saying that to me for the past two weeks. Thanks for putting it back into perspective for me.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thank you nurse nurse. I give other people that advice and don't follow it myself. When I try to, I feel like a horrible person who is too nit picky. I'm trying to work on that. I go in and out of "No, screw that. I'm tired of crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump a puddle for me" to "it must be my PTSD is not allowing this friendship to work"...

My T says all of the time that it is just a part of being an adult. And it could be possible that someone is just not healthy for me and I need to trust myself again. When I was a kid, I had to be entangled with toxic people. I had to in order to survive. I had to try everything to make peace because I had no other choice. That same pattern plays out as an adult now.

Urgh . . .

Thank you everyone for the support. I already apologized to her and condemned myself in front of her in text messaging. So, that means I will have to go through it all over again next time. Hopefully I can stand up for myself and stick to it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

she borrowed a beautiful and brand new picnic basket that my aunt gifted to us for our wedding. We haven't even gotten to use it yet, but she has flaked on returning it 3 times.

Time to knock on her door and ask for that wedding gift back.

Sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound like a good friendship too me. It sounds stressful and I don't think friendships should be that way.