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Dom Violence Needing Help Because He Tells Me It's My Fault
- Post starter Ambs
- Start date
- Status
Ambs,
Life is short. If it is bad now, it will only get worse. Imagine a lifetime of this, chaos. As well, if I were you I would seek therapy to find out why I slapped him when he was saying horrible things I stead of leaving then. Do you think you deserve to be verbally abused? The rest of your story is irrelevant based on the first post you made. It should have stopped there. He obviously needs help, more than what you can offer. He has a history of this behavior and for some reason you still question if your love can fix him. It can't!!! Run!
Sorry to be so blunt, but the thread heading "Needing Help Because He Tells Me It's My Fault" tells me that you are questioning if it could be your fault and if you should stay with him bc if you change maybe he won't act that way. Yes he will!!!
Life is short. If it is bad now, it will only get worse. Imagine a lifetime of this, chaos. As well, if I were you I would seek therapy to find out why I slapped him when he was saying horrible things I stead of leaving then. Do you think you deserve to be verbally abused? The rest of your story is irrelevant based on the first post you made. It should have stopped there. He obviously needs help, more than what you can offer. He has a history of this behavior and for some reason you still question if your love can fix him. It can't!!! Run!
Sorry to be so blunt, but the thread heading "Needing Help Because He Tells Me It's My Fault" tells me that you are questioning if it could be your fault and if you should stay with him bc if you change maybe he won't act that way. Yes he will!!!
Sadly he is using his emotional and mental health problems to manipulate you. The suicide attempt is a clear example of that. This is about more than PTSD. Yes he is suffering but one day you will understand that you cant heal this pain for him and that you must walk away to protect yourself. I think maybe you are not ready to leave this man even if you feel that it is the right thing to do. You are obviously a compassionate person and letting go will be hard. Until that day comes I wish you love and safety. I think that you are very brave.
ms spock
VIP Member
Make sure you don't bring a child into this situation, if you have choice about contraception, then seriously use it. I was a child born into this situation, and it is not a good life to lead.
ms spock
VIP Member
So what are good U.S domestic violence hotlines, resources and so forth?
D
Deleted member 27524
I do not suffer from PTSD and I am only on the forum because I care very much for a man who does. I saw your thread and had to respond.
I was married 14 years to a man who did not have PTSD but beat the sh*t out of me for first one thing and then another. I got hit for not having his socks dry in time for work when trying to get all the laundry done, I was pushed out of a moving car and my ribs broken, he spit on me, he slapped me when I was pregnant with our child, he hit me in my face closed hand and I had to call into work for days to just let the marks fade. I could name you a list all day of what I endured with him but that is pointless.
I lied and made excuses for him as to why he did it and my marine was the first person I ever told because I was so embarrassed that my husband beat me. It was always my fault and he was a good man deep down I told myself. I was only lying to myself. A good man doesn't hit a woman! I will just say this to you. That is no life you want. I would've left sooner but I got tied down with three kids over that period of years and I felt like I couldn't make it on my own. I felt trapped. Do you know the worst thing? As much as I tried to protect my boys from seeing their dad hit me, they saw some of it and my seven year old made a comment that "mommy it's okay to hit girls, cause daddy hit you". I got choked up. I failed to protect them from seeing it and that will forever weigh on me. Do you wanna raise children in that kind of environment?
My point in this is even though my husband did not have PTSD, abuse is abuse and nobody deserves to be hurt in that manner. Forget his excuses! I would strongly urge you to run away and never look back!
I was married 14 years to a man who did not have PTSD but beat the sh*t out of me for first one thing and then another. I got hit for not having his socks dry in time for work when trying to get all the laundry done, I was pushed out of a moving car and my ribs broken, he spit on me, he slapped me when I was pregnant with our child, he hit me in my face closed hand and I had to call into work for days to just let the marks fade. I could name you a list all day of what I endured with him but that is pointless.
I lied and made excuses for him as to why he did it and my marine was the first person I ever told because I was so embarrassed that my husband beat me. It was always my fault and he was a good man deep down I told myself. I was only lying to myself. A good man doesn't hit a woman! I will just say this to you. That is no life you want. I would've left sooner but I got tied down with three kids over that period of years and I felt like I couldn't make it on my own. I felt trapped. Do you know the worst thing? As much as I tried to protect my boys from seeing their dad hit me, they saw some of it and my seven year old made a comment that "mommy it's okay to hit girls, cause daddy hit you". I got choked up. I failed to protect them from seeing it and that will forever weigh on me. Do you wanna raise children in that kind of environment?
My point in this is even though my husband did not have PTSD, abuse is abuse and nobody deserves to be hurt in that manner. Forget his excuses! I would strongly urge you to run away and never look back!
@Ambs Sorry to be so blunt but you have two choices:
Choice one is to leave him and live
choice two is to stay with him and one day he will kill you.
You are not to blame for his actions, and his PTSD is not to blame for his actions. He is responsible for his actions. He is a violent abusive individual, and he will not stop until he has killed someone and is put away in prison
Do yourself a favor, contact your friend, or your family and make arrangements to get out and to get away from him. Then contact the police, and turn over the evidence you have collected and have it put away.
You need to reclaim your life, and you need to get into therapy.
Choice one is to leave him and live
choice two is to stay with him and one day he will kill you.
You are not to blame for his actions, and his PTSD is not to blame for his actions. He is responsible for his actions. He is a violent abusive individual, and he will not stop until he has killed someone and is put away in prison
Do yourself a favor, contact your friend, or your family and make arrangements to get out and to get away from him. Then contact the police, and turn over the evidence you have collected and have it put away.
You need to reclaim your life, and you need to get into therapy.
- Post starter
- #20
It's funny that, yes, people close to me have told me how wrong this is and to trust myself. And even strangers who only know my side, I try to tell an unbiased telling because I am journalist and it's what I'm about, are telling me the same thing.
And those in his camp which is just his sister who I have had NO chance to defend myself to agrees with him. I am to blame. I defended him to everyone at first. Made excuses and took the brunt of the blame for our current issues.
He got mad because when we fought I would tell my mom everything that occurred. He said that was wrong telling our business to people in detail. That it was just a fight. My family and what friends I have left except for Erika, the one I trust the most in life, know the extent. You all are the only other people who know. And know my story.
I have no history of what he accuses me of in my family, friendships or past relationships.
I have never been so scared, depressed or recluse in my life. I used to be so much fun and bright. People loved being around me. I was nice to everyone and tried to make everyone feel welcome. I was an avid dinner party hostess.
He on the other hand has a history of violence both domestic and otherwise, depression, he was in an institution as a child for depression. His journals for years ago indicate these issues I am somehow making have time traveled. So it's hard to fully believe him.
It's also hard when he is someone who constantly digs for compliments which are never good enough. His ego is so large that any compliment give. That he feels isn't enough is seen as a slight. Anyone who can do something he can do it better.
And those in his camp which is just his sister who I have had NO chance to defend myself to agrees with him. I am to blame. I defended him to everyone at first. Made excuses and took the brunt of the blame for our current issues.
He got mad because when we fought I would tell my mom everything that occurred. He said that was wrong telling our business to people in detail. That it was just a fight. My family and what friends I have left except for Erika, the one I trust the most in life, know the extent. You all are the only other people who know. And know my story.
I have no history of what he accuses me of in my family, friendships or past relationships.
I have never been so scared, depressed or recluse in my life. I used to be so much fun and bright. People loved being around me. I was nice to everyone and tried to make everyone feel welcome. I was an avid dinner party hostess.
He on the other hand has a history of violence both domestic and otherwise, depression, he was in an institution as a child for depression. His journals for years ago indicate these issues I am somehow making have time traveled. So it's hard to fully believe him.
It's also hard when he is someone who constantly digs for compliments which are never good enough. His ego is so large that any compliment give. That he feels isn't enough is seen as a slight. Anyone who can do something he can do it better.
Last edited by a moderator:
- Post starter
- #22
He told me he isn't happy and hasn't been for awhile. He said it's in part because I won't grow up. Yet he told me he is always like this during the holidays because of his childhood. He at least said he will go to thanksgiving with me.
I have never doubted or second guesses myself before. I have never had someone have issue with so much about me and others yet claim to love me. I know I need to leave because he will kill me.
He says that I'm not trying or putting forth an effort. But he just left to return the bottles and get stuff for me to make pie asking if I want alchohol for later. He is going to drink a few beers to help him sleep. Of course I got weary and he said "we are fine. We have been fine." Well if we are fine and us not being fine is the reason for the drinking then why is he drinking?
He, like he always does, come up with a reason as to why he has to drink. He used to get drunk every night with his ex of 8 years. According to him he only got violent with her twice. To the point where she was knocked unconscious. He said he was able to quit for a year. Yet he kept going back.
His ex, right before me, he was drunk everyday. Even when he was single he got drunk. He never got physical with his ex before me because she curtailed and always kissed his butt. Me and his other ex, as unstable as she was, were more headstrong.
He is always so quick to blame others. Yet he has the same issues in relationships or single. It doesn't matter the ex.
I know there are things myself I could work on. I can get worked up and yell when I am upset. But I have always been loved and well liked. And I'm not trying to sound conceded. People always tell me this.
I don't blame my friends for cutting ties. My "brother" and "sister" had to because after two times I escaped to ther house and not taking their advice on leaving forever they couldn't do it anymore. The other friends don't call or text anymore because I was made to feel ashamed to be friends with them and not allowed to go out to dinner or dance with them like I always used to because only single girls did that and my friends were all sluts. According to him,
I myself was a slut because of my past. I asked if he wanted a Stepford girlfriend and he said yes, sometimes. I don't know if I can be this perfect all the time person. When he drinks he offen says "can't make a whore into a housewife" in regards to me.
I was a "house girlfriend" in another relationship. The problems in that relationship were different. A lack of growing up and maturity on my partner's part.
I know that I am living in the cycle of abuse. And have been for awhile. And despite the advice from others, that it would indeed get worse, that he was controlling me, I just kept denying and defending. A big part of me thought and still thinks that this is all my fault. But I have never had a relationship like this.
He says I have never had a real relationship. Despite him having a horrible 8 year relationship we have had the same amount of them. And this is both of our second longest relationships. I just wish things would get better. But that won't happen until he gets help.
He always says that he is evolved and it's almost like he is looking for a partner to completely meet his needs and wants to the T. And so far none have. No matter how hard they try. Because either his needs change or he will come up with a way the met need fell short. If I didn't wash a dish right or I didn't put something in the recycling right away. When he worked and I stayed at home I cleaned and made sure the place was spotless, dinner was ready for his arrival and he was doted on. He always found something wrong. I didn't kiss him the moment he got in the door or I smothered him at the door. I didn't say exactly what he wanted to hear or compliment him enough. He needs constant validation and praise. And thing I or anyone does or can do, he can also do and better.
It's really hard to be your own person and feel good about yourself when your partner is in constant battle with you for everything. And he got mad at me for being upset that it seemed like he wanted to always compete with me and had to out do me. He said that he had to do something and be the best, if not there was no point. It's exhausting.
I have never doubted or second guesses myself before. I have never had someone have issue with so much about me and others yet claim to love me. I know I need to leave because he will kill me.
He says that I'm not trying or putting forth an effort. But he just left to return the bottles and get stuff for me to make pie asking if I want alchohol for later. He is going to drink a few beers to help him sleep. Of course I got weary and he said "we are fine. We have been fine." Well if we are fine and us not being fine is the reason for the drinking then why is he drinking?
He, like he always does, come up with a reason as to why he has to drink. He used to get drunk every night with his ex of 8 years. According to him he only got violent with her twice. To the point where she was knocked unconscious. He said he was able to quit for a year. Yet he kept going back.
His ex, right before me, he was drunk everyday. Even when he was single he got drunk. He never got physical with his ex before me because she curtailed and always kissed his butt. Me and his other ex, as unstable as she was, were more headstrong.
He is always so quick to blame others. Yet he has the same issues in relationships or single. It doesn't matter the ex.
I know there are things myself I could work on. I can get worked up and yell when I am upset. But I have always been loved and well liked. And I'm not trying to sound conceded. People always tell me this.
I don't blame my friends for cutting ties. My "brother" and "sister" had to because after two times I escaped to ther house and not taking their advice on leaving forever they couldn't do it anymore. The other friends don't call or text anymore because I was made to feel ashamed to be friends with them and not allowed to go out to dinner or dance with them like I always used to because only single girls did that and my friends were all sluts. According to him,
I myself was a slut because of my past. I asked if he wanted a Stepford girlfriend and he said yes, sometimes. I don't know if I can be this perfect all the time person. When he drinks he offen says "can't make a whore into a housewife" in regards to me.
I was a "house girlfriend" in another relationship. The problems in that relationship were different. A lack of growing up and maturity on my partner's part.
I know that I am living in the cycle of abuse. And have been for awhile. And despite the advice from others, that it would indeed get worse, that he was controlling me, I just kept denying and defending. A big part of me thought and still thinks that this is all my fault. But I have never had a relationship like this.
He says I have never had a real relationship. Despite him having a horrible 8 year relationship we have had the same amount of them. And this is both of our second longest relationships. I just wish things would get better. But that won't happen until he gets help.
He always says that he is evolved and it's almost like he is looking for a partner to completely meet his needs and wants to the T. And so far none have. No matter how hard they try. Because either his needs change or he will come up with a way the met need fell short. If I didn't wash a dish right or I didn't put something in the recycling right away. When he worked and I stayed at home I cleaned and made sure the place was spotless, dinner was ready for his arrival and he was doted on. He always found something wrong. I didn't kiss him the moment he got in the door or I smothered him at the door. I didn't say exactly what he wanted to hear or compliment him enough. He needs constant validation and praise. And thing I or anyone does or can do, he can also do and better.
It's really hard to be your own person and feel good about yourself when your partner is in constant battle with you for everything. And he got mad at me for being upset that it seemed like he wanted to always compete with me and had to out do me. He said that he had to do something and be the best, if not there was no point. It's exhausting.
Last edited by a moderator:
D
Deleted member 1860
You know what you need to do but you won't do it?
Wishing to spend the holidays in a pine box? Leave all the BS excuses at the door. You need to get out NOW. You can NOT save him!
@RussH like x1,0000
Wishing to spend the holidays in a pine box? Leave all the BS excuses at the door. You need to get out NOW. You can NOT save him!
@RussH like x1,0000
Justmehere
Sponsor
@Ambs - a lot of people in your life and here in the forum have told you to leave him.
Yet, you stay.
The best thing you can do for him (and you) is to leave and set very clear boundaries that you will tolerate these criminal acts against you. His violence against you is not your fault whatsoever. However, by staying with him, you are enabling him and inadvertently encouraging him to not get help. He can't not hit his rock bottom and finally be motivated enough to get help while you stay with him. It is in his best interest for you to leave.
Your own life is in severe danger of being harmed and even ended by his escalating violence on you.
The best thing you can do for him and you is for you to leave him.
Yet you stay.
This situation is not good for him. He clearly is a perpetrator and is acting very typically for a domestic violence perp. Your desire to stay because you love him is more about the fact that you are trauma bonded to him than him actually loving you.
Regardless if you leave or stay, you need to see a therapist start working on why you do not believe you deserve much better than this. You also need to be talking to a professional because you are at extremely high risk right now of developing PTSD yourself, and you could have PTSD already. You already sound like you have something some therapists call "battered women's syndrome."
Please get help for you.
There is no point in trying to get help for him. He has options and they are there. He will find and excuse until the pain of the consequences of his behavior is so great that he finally dedicated himself to treatment. By staying, you send the message that he can continue this and still never face the real pain.
You can not save or change him.
While none of his behavior is your fault, you are actually harming both of you by allowing him in your life. He has no reason to help. He can abuse you and never gave any consequences for it. You still stay. What he is doing is working for him well enough for him to not get help.
It is time for you to make a change in you.
Please see a therapist, and get other outside professional help to get through this. Not just sending a friend texts and photos. Pick up your stuff and haul yourself to a women's shelter and start working on this. Call a therapist and get in and started working with them on all of this. It is the very best thing you can do for him and you.
Until you are ready to do that, it is not wise to expect that anything will get better. It will continue to get worse until you die. The very best way you can love him is to leave him, today.
Real love NEVER protects perps of domestic violence like him from facing consequences for their behavior. He belongs in jail and you should leave but yet you stay.
It's time to look at why you stay.
It's not loving to stay with someone to hits you. He doesn't need you to sacrifice your safety for him. You may end up dying and your death would crush a lot of other people around you. Yet you stay.
Please get help.
Yet, you stay.
The best thing you can do for him (and you) is to leave and set very clear boundaries that you will tolerate these criminal acts against you. His violence against you is not your fault whatsoever. However, by staying with him, you are enabling him and inadvertently encouraging him to not get help. He can't not hit his rock bottom and finally be motivated enough to get help while you stay with him. It is in his best interest for you to leave.
Your own life is in severe danger of being harmed and even ended by his escalating violence on you.
The best thing you can do for him and you is for you to leave him.
Yet you stay.
This situation is not good for him. He clearly is a perpetrator and is acting very typically for a domestic violence perp. Your desire to stay because you love him is more about the fact that you are trauma bonded to him than him actually loving you.
Regardless if you leave or stay, you need to see a therapist start working on why you do not believe you deserve much better than this. You also need to be talking to a professional because you are at extremely high risk right now of developing PTSD yourself, and you could have PTSD already. You already sound like you have something some therapists call "battered women's syndrome."
Please get help for you.
There is no point in trying to get help for him. He has options and they are there. He will find and excuse until the pain of the consequences of his behavior is so great that he finally dedicated himself to treatment. By staying, you send the message that he can continue this and still never face the real pain.
You can not save or change him.
While none of his behavior is your fault, you are actually harming both of you by allowing him in your life. He has no reason to help. He can abuse you and never gave any consequences for it. You still stay. What he is doing is working for him well enough for him to not get help.
It is time for you to make a change in you.
Please see a therapist, and get other outside professional help to get through this. Not just sending a friend texts and photos. Pick up your stuff and haul yourself to a women's shelter and start working on this. Call a therapist and get in and started working with them on all of this. It is the very best thing you can do for him and you.
Until you are ready to do that, it is not wise to expect that anything will get better. It will continue to get worse until you die. The very best way you can love him is to leave him, today.
Real love NEVER protects perps of domestic violence like him from facing consequences for their behavior. He belongs in jail and you should leave but yet you stay.
It's time to look at why you stay.
It's not loving to stay with someone to hits you. He doesn't need you to sacrifice your safety for him. You may end up dying and your death would crush a lot of other people around you. Yet you stay.
Please get help.
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