Relationship Needing opinions from sufferers/supporters

[Flip flop]

Hi Nessa,
No, he is not in therapy.
He refuses to go.

In the first 7 months of our relationship,...

Okay. This is a difficult question, but it seems an important one.
What are you getting out of the relationship?
Or, what is the relationship doing for you?

 

[Willowtree]

Okay. This is a difficult question, but it seems an important one.
What are you getti...

@Flip flop,

Right now, it doesn't seem like I'm getting much tbh. I can see him struggle with wanting to be more open with me.

I feel like I've tried and tried. I know apart of him wants to be with me. But its so hard when we can't name it or talk about it.

He is very thoughtful and sweet. He has a beautiful soul. It just seems like he is behind a glass wall. I can see him, but not touch him or reach him. He said it's not a lack of love. But he won't say anything other than that to me.

 

[Willowtree]

@A concerned spouse


Your post touched me.

I'm glad ur husband is in therapy. It sounds like it's challenging but your both willing to work through it

I feel that way about my sufferers PTSD. It has been an intruder that just Rips thru us. I feel cheated out of a life with him. He is a wonderful man. I'm not angry with him. I'm upset he won't go get help. I'm upset he is letting it win. And I'm upset that he can't see me, the person he loves, standing in front of him.

I am learning and just feel I have been on this path that I knew nothing about.

The reason I am still here, is because I know his heart. He is a beautiful person. He's in a lot of pain. I know its not because of me. I fell in love with him for a reason. And that love had kept building. He struggles with loving himself.

He pushes me away and I feel I can't take it sometimes.

 

[Buttercup]

Willowtree, I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if your guy has the same issues as my guy about not communicating, but I can tell you that in my situation, he can't communicate because he doesn't understand what's going on.

He doesn't understand because he is untreated. So he knows he has PTSD, but he doesn't know enough to communicate with me why he reacts the way he does. He doesn't know about the stress cup and so he is confused.

I have pushed and pushed him to talk to me and that only serves to make him retreat further. It only stresses him out even more.

But that is only part of it, of course. So now i have learned to wait and be patient. When i start to feel impatient and anxious, I come here and that helps. I do other stuff too to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

But of course we have those moments when we miss the one we care about so deeply. And also worry about them too, knowing they are going through pain and confusion. And there is nothing we can do but let them get through it however they can.

 

[Willowtree]

Willowtree, I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if your guy has the same issues as my guy about not c...

Thanks @tlc

Yes he is the exact way with communication. When we were first getting to know each other, he was better. He would always put in effort and ask about my feelings. I see now that he probably hid a lot of how he was actually feeling from me. I try not to blame myself.

It's been a difficult road. I have been alone for most of it. Even this year, we have not been officially together, and he has not let me in at all. I don't know if he ever will again. It's heartbreaking. I see how he tries. I can't imagine what he battles with within.

It's hard because none of my friends or family understand. Only my sister in law, who has a brother with PTSD. Still not the same as having it in a partner though, as you are the closest to them, and see the person within the most. I'm learning that as a partner, I was most likely a stressor for him, even when I didn't mean to be. The kind of pain they must go thru.....

TCL I wish I knew what else I could do. It's like being on the other side of a glass wall, unable to touch them.

I love him so much. This has really consumed me, even though I have tried to work on my own stuff and my own mental health.
Thanks for the reply. It helps being on this forum and I'm learning so much.

 

[A concerned spouse]

My husband is a horrible communicator, even when PTSD isn't roaring it's ugly head but when it does, it's even worse. Her a quiet guy my nature and that doesn't help. It's so hard when there is nothing you can do to save them from the fight within. It's hard being ignored, feeling isolated from his heart, thinking you aren't heard, or your feelings don't matter. Wanting so desperately to take the pain away (yours and his), feeling hopeless and useless. It can drive you insane You question everything you've said and done and you secretly wonder if you are his trigger.

It's unfair. It's hard. It's down right heart wrenching. PTSD claims it's victims when and where it wants to and we have no say.

Getting therapy for yourself helps tremendously. Having a support system helps to. My family doesn't understand so I keep them out of it. I go to people that support me, people that get it. We tend to isolate ourselves when our partner isolates. Don't do that. I walk, listen to upbeat music, pray, find things to laugh about. If my husband sees me struggling when he's having an episode, he goes deeper within himself. For years I thought it was not caring, purposely pushing me away or him just being an ass. But I have learned that when he sees me struggling because of his behavior, he feels guilt, self loathing and wants to get out of the marriage to end MY pain, not his.

So I would suggest to send him some hysterical memes (only a few). Be upbeat, positive and take your emotional hut to others than can handle it but not to him. Don't talk to him about the relationship . . . Not now. He probably thinks he doesn't deserve you right now. Show him that you are strong and his PTSD won't define your self worth or your positivity.

One thing that's hard to understand is that when the are in the numbing stage . . . They KNOW they love you but they can not FEEL that live towards You, themselves or anyone else. It's a defence mechanism to protect themselves. When you understand PTSD more and more you find that you won't take it so personally. My prayers to you because I've been where you are and I know how hurtful and confusing this is but you seem like a wise and strong women. You got this. Be patient but most of all be happy!

 

[Buttercup]

Love all your posts @A concerned spouse. Does your husband really like receiving the memes? Also, does you and he talk about these things when he is not symptomatic?

 

[A concerned spouse]

He barely talks at all when he's symptomatic. He may say 4 sentences the whole day. But I find ways to keep upbeat. I find my own thing that keeps me happy because if I'm misserabe it shows no matter how hard I try. He sees it and it makes it worse.

So I'll send him a funny meme or something I know he would think is funny. He may or may not respond but it lets him know I'm okay. I'm happy and its a way for me to let him know im suppirting him and am there for him from a distance.

Sometimes I find a very touching saying about encouragement or PTsD encouragement and he may send me a frowny face. But I only send one a day. I don't push. I have recently learned that when I am so sympathetic, he takes it as though I'm being needy (not my intention).

I used to be such an enabler but have learned not to be. When you do everything for them they think you don't have faith in their own abilities (never my intention).

Bottom line it's their problem, not yours. It's their battle not yours. Each person deals with trauma, triggers, etc. Their was, not our way. You have to respect their boundaries no matter how messed up you think it is. Its their boundries. And you need to set boundaries for yourself.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I misunderstood the question. Very seldom does he talk about these things when he's NORA symptomatic. I think he's finally out of the darkness that it's the last thing he wants to talk about.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I have pushed and pushed him to talk to me and that only serves to make him retreat further. It only stresses him out even more.

My husband doesn't push me to share. He learned the hard way after hearing one of my more gorier memories. I'm a ritual abuse survivor and witnessed numerous deaths. After that he told me that he couldn't handle what I was remembering and how I was dealing with it. Sometimes I give him an inkling of what I'm dealing with and that's all.

Since the shocking first time he heard that gorier memory, he's done what is healthiest for both of us; he's the joker of the family. And when I'm going through tough times he makes jokes, tells my favorites, or comes up with new ones. I join in and come up with jokes as well. Humor has been one of our most powerful ways we deal with my PTSD and memories.

My hubby has his own childhood issues as well yet never developed PTSD. I think that's because he had a supportive adult in his life, his aunt. He lived with her instead of his FOO as they shipped him to his aunt and uncle's house permanently due to violence between the parents.

 

[Buttercup]

Just to be clear because I don't want any misunderstanding, when I have pushed to talk, it's usually about our relationship or something of that nature. I would never, ever (!) push him to talk about his experiences.

@Congruency I know your stories might he more than I could bear! I'm glad jokes and laughter help you so much and super happy you have a supportive spouse.

 

[Willowtree]

Just to be clear because I don't want any misunderstanding, when I have pushed to talk, it's usually about...

Yes no, if I've pushed, it's always been about the relationship. I have never once pushed him to share about his abuse or what he has gone thru. I've never even brought it up.

I shouldn't have pushed about the relationship, but I was confused and didn't understand. I was caught up in my own insecurities that arose to the surface. Not proud of that.

But I have learned and will continue to learn. I have gained so much insight on this forum the last few weeks.