Needing Options Other Than This

[Justmehere]

Thanksgiving without family was tough. I called them, and no one called back. I don't know why. This morning I got a text from my mother that killed my heart. I'm uninvited from Christmas. I don't know why.

My family is abusive an dysfunctional - but we had found a way to safety celebrate Christmas.

My family never tells me what they don't like about me, they just abandon me. Ever since I was a kid. I would literally get left by the side of the road and told to walk home and only come home when I realized what I did wrong.

My brother isn't abusive to me but something is wrong. I only went back for Christmas to see him and yes, he would invite our parents over, but with clear boundaries about what behavior he would accept in his house.

I was already really down and then I got this text that I can't even repeat.

My therapist wants me to cut all ties from them for right now, and frankly, I think she would be glad to know no family will be in my life for the foreseeable future.

However, I am filled with horrible suicidal thoughts, plans, etc. I know I can call her, she texted me today to tell me she is around. I don't want to talk to her. I know I could go to the ER, where they would keep me alive but not do much else.

I'm trying to think of another option. I self injured for the first time in a long time. I need to stop and change what I'm doing but I don't see past this pain. I know they are abusive but it's so hard to lose them and have no family at all ever.

 

[digger]

Would calling your brother and talking it through with him be helpful?

 

[City Slicker]

Hi Justmehere. I hear your feelings about not wanting to call your therapist but you are a valuable person - you do not deserve abuse heaped on you and you need to keep yourself safe so that you can walk through this stuff your mother has presented you. Is it possible to consider a call to your therapist even just for some support?

Forgive me as I don't know the whole history with your brother but as Digger mentioned, is your relationship with your bro strong enough to have a conversation about how this is developing?

I can feel the pain of what you said about it being hard to lose the abusive family and have no family at all. You have value, you are worthwhile, you have a right to expect not to be treated badly by your family. Unfortunately sometimes the family we are born into is not the match for us yet we still hold on, and believe me, I know why it seems easier to hold on to an abusive family than to face the possibility of a life without them.

It is possible to make a decision to create the family you want - however, it might not be with the ones biologically related to you - we can't pick our bio families but as we get older and wiser, we can decide to create the 'family' and 'community' we want and that nurtures us and that we can nurture.

It's possible to have a family - it just might not be possible with them right now.

 

[Justmehere]

Would calling your brother and talking it through with him be helpful?

He won't return my call and he won't even say why. This is how it works in my family. People talk until they suddenly stop. They don't stop talking when things are tough. They stop later, when things are ok. For years and years. My brother and I used to talk. To try to be different. Now he is back to this. He won't speak to me and I don't know why. No idea. The last time we talked things were ok-ish. No argument no fight he was his normal self, he won't speak to me. He told someone else that I am dead to him. No realism given to anyone about why.

I'm the family scapegoat, historically.

 

[Justmehere]

I try to date to creat my own family someday, but I can't really sustain it. I get overwhelmed and back out of relationships. I don't think I'm meant to have family. I'm too broken.

 

[Justmehere]

I called my therapist. She says she can call me in an hour. I told her yes, then no, then told her I'm being irrational. I can't do it I can't do any of this.

 

[digger]

I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks.

When are you next due to actually see your therapist? Can that be brought forward at all? I know she's said she can talk to you on the phone but face to face would probably be more helpful?

 

[digger]

I can't do it I can't do any of this.

You can and you are. You are talking and sharing here. That is doing something. You called her. That is doing something. You are thinking through your options. That is doing something.

 

[Glara]

It's sucks that they are doing this to you. I don't have ptsd but I have a dysfunctional family and my Dad does the same types of things to me. Stopped talking to me in March, I don't know why. I'm thinking maybe he has ptsd, I have no idea. Anyway I don't have any answers or solutions for you but coming to this site is a good step. It helps me a lot. A place where I can anonymously type what I feel and get feedback and support. Just know you matter here. You've commented on my posts and provided me insight that I really appreciate. Thank you.

 

[Justmehere]

I see her next Wednesday. She wants to "at least touch basis" today.

My family is so mean to me. Now they are gone but the pain of it all isn't gone, I'm alone, no kids no spouse. I have friends but they change and nothing stays.

I'm so freaked out about talking to my therapist and I have no idea why. I want everything to stop and I'm trying to make a different choice. I'm trying.

 

[digger]

Something I know some people find helpful to diffuse some of the pain and tension from situations like this is to write down what you would say to them about it if you could. Like a letter you don't send kind of thing. Either writing one to your mother or brother about how they are making you feel. Or alternatively, writing a letter to your therapist about how you're feeling.

I find the first option (addressing the abuser) too intense personally and leaves me more unsafe, but writing it out for my therapist, even if I won't actually be sharing it with her for a while, or even at all, can be helpful for me.

 

[Justmehere]

One time, I was in the ER and the doc didn't think I would live. He called my mother and father. They called me, angry the doctor called them at 6am.