Relationship Needing Some Insight Into A Potential Relationship

[Laurie]

Although this is my first time posting, I have been reading and utilizing this forum as a resource over the past number of weeks. I'd like to thank the moderators and contributors of this forum for creating and maintaining such a great community.

I would like to offer a short version of the problem I have and hopefully get some insight for the community members here on how I should proceed.

A few months ago I randomly ran into an old High School friend and we were both thrilled to see each other again. We exchanged numbers, and although not immediately, we eventually began corresponding regularly. We both have very demanding schedules so we made tentative plans to get together at some point and properly catch up. Over the past month we have been talking on the phone regularly ... and when we are not talking we are text messaging. We both have the same sense of humor and similar taste in movies and music so we keep each other laughing and conversation flowing throughout the day.

I never noticed any type of strange behavior other than some inconsistencies. He would mention something about our paths crossing again and then follow it up with "nevermind"... or he would make comments that I could have virtually any man I'd like so why am I talking to him. I found it a bit odd at first.. I would explain because I feel he is genuine and kind and that is so very hard to come by in this day and age. It seemed as if it was very difficult for him to grasp the idea that someone may want to be with him. The mixed signals were getting a little ridiculous so I told myself this is going to be a friendship only and I minimized contact. I went a day without sending him a message and the next day he sent me a light hearted "it's only been a day, but I feel like I haven't heard from you in forever" message.

That day we got on the topic of sleep and how I don't sleep much due to crazy sleep pattern when he mentioned that he avoids sleep and purposefully stays so busy because he gets night terrors. I inquired about the night terrors and that is when he told me he has PTSD from when he was in the military and he keeps busy so he doesn't think about what he has done. He then abruptly ended the conversation. This is when I began further looking into PTSD and educating myself on the effects of it. It breaks my heart that someone so loving and kind is also suffering inside. The next day I initiated conversation, light hearted as always and he seemed completely fine and receptive. We have not discussed his PTSD since then. The thing is, I really like talking to him, I love being around him, I think he is just wonderful, but I also don't want to be selfish and set him back. I am not trying to fix or pity him, anyone that knows me knows that is not how I operate. I do want to be there for him and make him laugh and brighten up his day like he has been saying I already do.

Should I maintain a clear boundary of being a friend only, or should I take a chance and not limit this potential relationship and simply see where it goes? Like I said, he has never clearly expressed of wanting or not wanting to be with me. He HAS mentioned about how he doesn't want to be with anyone, but then doesn't like to go a day without talking to me. I am just not sure where I stand with all of this, and am hoping to gain some clarity on how to proceed WITHOUT doing any damage to his well being.

Thank you all.
Regards,
L

 

[tangerinetrees12]

Hi, Laurie. I read your entry and I am impressed with the way you are approaching this situation. Before you make a decision, you should ask yourself, "Do I know what he wants?". It would be heartbreaking to decide you want to pursue a romantic relationship when all he really needed was a friend. Don't come out and ask him that immediately, just think about that for awhile and if an opportunity presents itself, ask. You're doing a very smart thing by not rushing into anything and keeping a level head :)

 

[cherryblossom]

Hey Laurie

Welcome to the forum. I'll make it clear from the start I'm a PTSD sufferer. I actually think you should be completely honest with this guy. No relationship works unless you have honesty. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't want to pity him, or fix him, but that you enjoy his company. Maybe suggest that you take things slow - build up a friendly relationship before you go any further?

It's hard to give advice. Some people with PTSD, have it under control and are very 'high functioning', others not so, and are still learning how to get to grips with it.

You sound like a really loving and caring person - but the main thing I've learnt from the carers here, is that you have to look after yourself first, before you can begin to care for someone who has PTSD. Like I say, you sound very grounded, so I would just see where this relationship takes you. Get talking with him - really talking, and see where that leads you...

...sorry, I don't think I've been much help :confused:

 

[AngelaMarie]

I agree with cherryblossom that you should take your time. Above all be honest. Build a friendship and see what happens. If it is really meant to be then taking it slow is healthy. You both learn to be more comfortable and what the boundaries are. A real relationship is built over years and takes time.

I wish you luck and the strength to make the right decision for yourself.:tup:

 

[Laurie]

Thank you all very much for your input and insight. I wanted to give it a little bit of time and see where the "course" takes us and not push or overwhelm him with any serious talks. During this past week he has gotten a lot more comfortable in telling me how he feels, how much he misses me, thinks about me when he wakes up, throughout the day, etc. He is a very warm and genuine person. I am still just going with the flow, but keeping myself reserved enough to be able to walk away if I feel I need to for both of our sakes.

He has not displayed any obvious signs of PTSD.. I am not sure if it's attributable to his PTSD or not, but he does act very child like at times -- not childish or immature, but he is always trying to be silly and make me laugh and I do the same to with him. I feel like that may be his coping mechanism. Another thing to note is that we live in the same city, actually down the street from one another, but have yet to spend time together in almost a month. We have seen each other before and were very comfortable around one another. We both have hectic schedules so I don't push it. I do enjoy just talking to him daily for the time being. I am wondering if his lack of motivation to spend time together is due to his packed schedule or he is not comfortable enough with me yet, or he is just looking for someone to talk to.... He has very much expressed his physical attraction in me, but has yet to try to make any type of actual "move" so to speak. He does work three jobs and goes to school full time as he told me in the beginning, it was because he does not like to have down time to think about what happened and also minimal sleep because of his night terrors.

Last week I made a mention of going to see a movie and asked him to join me. He said he was on his way to his *third* job but will check if there is a possibility for an early out and will let me know. He expressed how thrilled he would be to go, but then later said since it was a weekend, he was very busy and getting off work early was not an option. He was schedule off work at 1am. I wasn't fussed and told him I appreciated that he let me know the status exactly when he said that he would. I figured I would not push to see each other until he wants to... is that wise or should I be more assertive when it comes to making time for one another?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Laurie,

I have no advice, either, except to say (and it depends on him/ his character or nature etc, of course) if, or 'when' I feel childlike I don't use 'it' to cope, it 'pops up' because I can cope/ forget, I feel relaxed and everything opposite to ptsd- no hypervigilance, negative thoughts/ fear/ horrible memories etc.

So I think it's a nice compliment to you.

 

[Laurie]

Thank you, Junebug.

I feel we are at a standstill. He expresses he misses me or I am on his mind as soon as he wakes up, yet makes no effort or suggestion to actually spend time together. It feels like he would rather just have someone to have a pretend relationship with than take the next step and actually spend time together.

Also, another interesting thing I have noticed is that he goes mia on Tuesdays. Being an economist and statistician I notice weird patterns and also analyze...a lot. I looked back in sms history and sure enough for the past five weeks there are many messages exchanged every day with the exception on Tuesdays. Two of those tuesdays I had initiated conversation to which he typically responds to within minutes -- but on those days he doesn't respond until the next day. I am not sure if I want to continue down this path with him at this point.

 

[tangerinetrees12]

I would say not. He seems to be perfectly content with the "arrangement", but you do not seem happy at all. You deserve someone who will make an effort to see you and follow through with it. *hugs*

I also find it very interesting that he's "missing" on Tuesdays. Does he work or go to school? Maybe those days are jampacked for him. ::Idunno::

 

[Laurie]

That was exactly my suspicion, tangerinetrees12. This arrangement works for him and he has not intention on moving forward anytime soon.

As far as my theory about tuesday... they may be therapy days. His schedule is always jam packed and we talk regularly throughout the day those days. In any case, it would not be fair to either of us to continue with this "arrangement". Thanks for your input darling.

 

[tangerinetrees12]

Hmm, well now I'm wondering if he isn't just really shy, and that's why he hasn't mentioned anything of about hanging out? It's a stretch, but it could be a possibility. Tho my boyfriend was incredibly shy (and scared) when we first started talking, but he still tried to set up plans for us to hang out/spend time together. Have you tried setting up plans for you two together?

 

[Laurie]

I thought I would update this thread as I have found this to be someone therapeutic for me. He IS painfully shy..I have discovered this over the course of last few weeks. The situation basically got fairly complicated. He has his routine and schedule set up in a way that allows him to function. He is constantly on the move. He has expressed to me that he wanted to spend more time together and has consciously been making effort, but I feel like my influence is not a positive one.

Two days ago we both skipped our classes and laid in the grass just talking. He opened up to me about things he says he only discussed with those who were there with him. It was heavy stuff. He also said that for the past two years he refused to date or have intimate relations with anyone. I jokingly said "oh I should feel special" and he responded with "no, you ARE special". We talked about "us" and what we felt. He expressed that he was scared but just wanted to take my hand and come along for the ride. I told him I did not want to complicate his life and he assured me that I was not and I am one thing he looks forward to in his life. That day is also the first time we were intimate. Everything was great except for the fact that he missed a presentation in class because he wanted to spend time with me AND he was late for work. I felt very guilty about this.

I texted him later that evening just saying "I miss you :)" and he responded with "miss you too".. I then asked if he was indeed late for work and he said yes, and in addition to that classmate had texted him letting him know the professor was inquiring why he wasn't there since he never misses class. I felt AWFUL and although I understand it was his choice, I still felt like crap. I told him I was sorry and he said "no it's fine.." and I kept rambling on about something because I was upset and he responded with "why are you upset?" .. I told him why and he never responded. I then said good night, and he never responded. Yesterday was Tuesday, which is the day he usually tunes out the world and regroups so I didn't expect him to contact me.

I don't know how to proceed now. I have MY own emotions and insecurities to deal with after being intimate with someone for the very first time. I have the guilt of completely throwing him out of his routine and acting irresponsibly. And I also have the worry of what he feels now. It is scary sleeping with someone for the first time as is... and someone with PTSD I simply have no idea what could be going through his head. I care about him a lot as a person and a romantic partner. He has not displayed any signs of PTSD towards me and it's apparent in only small details where he doesn't like to sit with his back facing open space or certain noises distract him.

How should I proceed today? My biggest fear is that he no longer wants me in his life.

 

[Laurie]

Well it is day 3 and absolutely no contact from him. Last night around 11pm I sent him a quick text "Miss you! Good night :)" and of course I never heard back. This has not happened in two months of talking. Actually he does take one day a week to regroup where he doesn't talk to anyone, but he quickly initiates the conversation the next day. I think us being intimate overwhelmed him and he is now avoiding me. I wish I could say "oh if I don't hear from him today it's over!", but I honestly don't know what's going to happen. I am leaving town tonight and won't be back until Monday.