I must of got triggered tonight (more than once) oh joy.
Anyways... I began to think about the feelings I had growing up regarding friendships and how I fit in in school. I never did fit in. I remember bursting into tears as a child after my only best friend moved away and I was left all alone. I wanted so desperately to have friends. But no matter how hard I tried people didn't like me and found me annoying. I didn't want to be annoying. I just wanted Friends and to feel like I belonged. People at school would make fun of me. Even if they weren't, I had been teased and made fun of so much that I constantly felt like that was the case.
My brother would make fun of me, and I suspect even spread rumors around the school about me. When I got older, he would date all of my close friends to exact control on me. Then he would tell me how much they didn't like me, that they only hung out with me because they felt sorry for me.
Eventually I went to a private school in hope that starting fresh would make a difference. The damage and view I had been given at my old school seemed irreversible. I never did feel like I fit in again, I never have. Through those tears at home to my mom. Tears of desperation and loneliness, my mom would blame me. She would say I was the one that was at fault. If I would do this or wouldn't do that, people would like me. As I got older, and despite going to a new school, though I had some friends I never fit in at school. I poured myself into my academics instead.
Throughout my school years I had always had anxiety. It was especially bad at the initial school. I remember freaking out and panicking Sunday nights because I knew I had school the next day. The new school was better because at least the teachers were kind. They were amazing in fact. They probably were what kept me alive. In high school my mom began taking me to dermatologist for my acne, and trying to control my food. She told me that no man would ever want me if I was fat and had acne.
I am now 27 years old and cannot look at myself and think I am beautiful. I have never been in a relationship longer than a month. I still struggle with acne and weight. I have now discovered that I have abnormally high cortisol which is to blame. My mom claimed I ate too much. When in reality I was starving myself. My mom still jokes when I do something "unfeminine" that it's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend. I am in therapy for this and many other things growing up, but I just don't know how to get past these feelings of not belonging and that I will never be pretty enough or thin enough or good enough. I still struggle with this paranoia everywhere I go.
I apologize if this isn't the correct thread for this, I didn't know where to put it.
Anyways... I began to think about the feelings I had growing up regarding friendships and how I fit in in school. I never did fit in. I remember bursting into tears as a child after my only best friend moved away and I was left all alone. I wanted so desperately to have friends. But no matter how hard I tried people didn't like me and found me annoying. I didn't want to be annoying. I just wanted Friends and to feel like I belonged. People at school would make fun of me. Even if they weren't, I had been teased and made fun of so much that I constantly felt like that was the case.
My brother would make fun of me, and I suspect even spread rumors around the school about me. When I got older, he would date all of my close friends to exact control on me. Then he would tell me how much they didn't like me, that they only hung out with me because they felt sorry for me.
Eventually I went to a private school in hope that starting fresh would make a difference. The damage and view I had been given at my old school seemed irreversible. I never did feel like I fit in again, I never have. Through those tears at home to my mom. Tears of desperation and loneliness, my mom would blame me. She would say I was the one that was at fault. If I would do this or wouldn't do that, people would like me. As I got older, and despite going to a new school, though I had some friends I never fit in at school. I poured myself into my academics instead.
Throughout my school years I had always had anxiety. It was especially bad at the initial school. I remember freaking out and panicking Sunday nights because I knew I had school the next day. The new school was better because at least the teachers were kind. They were amazing in fact. They probably were what kept me alive. In high school my mom began taking me to dermatologist for my acne, and trying to control my food. She told me that no man would ever want me if I was fat and had acne.
I am now 27 years old and cannot look at myself and think I am beautiful. I have never been in a relationship longer than a month. I still struggle with acne and weight. I have now discovered that I have abnormally high cortisol which is to blame. My mom claimed I ate too much. When in reality I was starving myself. My mom still jokes when I do something "unfeminine" that it's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend. I am in therapy for this and many other things growing up, but I just don't know how to get past these feelings of not belonging and that I will never be pretty enough or thin enough or good enough. I still struggle with this paranoia everywhere I go.
I apologize if this isn't the correct thread for this, I didn't know where to put it.
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