Sufferer New And Nervous

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. There are so many beautiful and supportive people here. I hope we can give you the support you need.

 

[Magdalena]

Hi @Magdalena welcome to you. :)

Do you find the explanation for the feelings is eas...

I think because I lived in such a traumatic household for decades since the age of 3, then throughout my first relationship, and first marriage that my brain hardwired the way it did and living in "flight or fight" is just "normal", I am always running from what happened. I have had not one person to talk to or go to throughout all this time. Just on this website have I talked about it more than at any other time. Therapy did only so much since I was in denial that it happened to me. I was looking at all the abuses as though they were a story about me but disconnected, almost like a story about a girl. Plus, my mom is still in denial and I've noticed that because of her ignorance and lack of compassion, she was never my safe place. She wasn't her safe place either, so how could I expect her to be mine.. I had to parent both her and I. I still do. My father was in Vietnam and never returned to even see me after my birth, so I had no other parent (two abusive step-fathers do not count). So, I guess its hard for me to recognize triggers, and how I react to them, so when I'm not getting heard by my husband, nor getting any understanding, it spirals me down before I realize that " oh no, I'm down here again". It guts me every time. It steals me from the gentle, kind, loving, generous person that I am and when I realize that, the anger sets in and I am not able to give my family my loving self and they have no problem letting me know that I'm "out of line" or that the tone of my voice is angry towards them. And so I apologize and retreat even further into the hole. Vicious cycle. One that I have to crawl out of alone, which is always terrifying. In the grips of this last episode, I was very near not being able to function at all. I had to go to work and was barely able to get through each day. And this scared me even more because up until now, I was able to keep functioning even if I was dredging through every single second of the day. I don't think I've ever felt so frightened that I may not be able to keep up with my responsibilities. It shook me to the core. But, I made it out. I was able to get back into my life. It feels good to get some of this out.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm glad @Magdalena . There is much wisdom & self-awareness in your words.

I can relate to very very much of it. Except I've had the help of one person for 10 years, & somewhat did have a 2nd who knew nothing of it though in a different way, for shorter (encouraging words), but no family that could, +/or exist , & no T.

Here's to you feeling much better!!! :) :hug:

 

[Magdalena]

I'm glad @Magdalena . There is much wisdom & self-awareness in your words.

I can rel...

Thank you, Junebug, wishing you smiles today :)

 

[Megyn]

Hello, and wow, this is quite scarier than I thought it would be. I live where there are no support g...

Hi there~
I'm new too. I like that there is tons of relatable content, something I dont find with people "in real life".
I hope you find things that are helpful to you, and welcome :)

 

[Megyn]

I'm still working my way around this website, so when I wrote the above I hadn't read the entire thread.

I don't notice that I've gone down the rabbit hole, as it were, until the end of it. In hindsight, I can see there's always a day or two of falling, a day or two down there and then I sort of explode. Then I'm contrite and apologetic. It's a terrible cycle. I try to be mindful of it, but I haven't been able to do it yet. A lot of it plays out in my head and no one seems to even notice, but I know I feel hateful and angry and say terrible things in my head. Other times I can't communicate at all, literally cant talk, and isolate myself as much as possible.

 

[Souless]

Hello, and wow, this is quite scarier than I thought it would be. I live where there are no support g...

Hi Magdalena, I live remote too. I only joined here yesterday..just reached the point couldn't stand suffering in silence alone any longer. Let's hope we get the support we need here, it's got to be better than none, right?

 

[Magdalena]

Hi Magdalena, I live remote too. I only joined here yesterday..just reached the point couldn't stand s...

Welcome and yes, it is too hard alone. I've been much better since joining and am here to lend a helping hand when I can. You are not alone anymore :)