Thank you, Shellbell. When I was married to my ex abuser, on my 25th birthday, I woke up to him giving my dog away. It was very traumatic and I cried for years. A few of my friends treated me to a suprise bday party the night before and for some reason, my ex abuser decided the day after, which was my birthday, that he couldn't stand my dog of 4 years anymore. I tend to mourn my birthday and every year I want to be happy and I feel like I need someone to celebrate me being here. But, every year, it's mourning. I had my son for my bday this year. My son is 16 and I share custody with the ex. I told my current husband that I wanted to go to dinner as a family and have a glass of wine and this fab chocolate cake as one present, and pj's and house shoes for the other. My son ended up working all weekend double shifts. So, Monday, we were supposed to do it. My husband had to work late, so I was asking for a little more time with my son to be able to eat for my bday dinner as a family. I got a lecture about how irresponsible I was not to have planned this better and that I had no right to take time away from him and that dinner can happen some other time. Let me add that my son went to live with his father last year by choice (and I let him) because his dad promised him a car. There is no car and my son is working to save for one. (ergo the double shifts that cut into my weekends) I felt that same panic that he was taking someone I love away from me again.
Four years ago, when the lawsuits started, it was in retalliation of the Attny Gen collecting for his being late 7 mos on child support. Rather than paying, he began suing. I was accused of all sorts of horrible things. I had to prove these allegations false via therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, doctors, tests, evualtions, etc. -This is how I was diagnosed with PTSD, by the way; which was due to the physical abuse from him. It was such a violation and so horrible. At one point, he put an emergency restraining order agaisnt me, which we got revoked in less than 24 hrs, but OMG! over the top drama. I have never hurt anyone in my life! Our son told our counselor that it was all about child support and there was no basis on the allegations. He did everything he could to take my son away and try to push me out. And let me say, it got tempting to just walk away. The whole process was exhausting, hateful, and everytime I turned around it was MORE than before. I found out that he had been coming in my home when I wasn't here. He got away with it because he said our son was inviting him in. I quit my job as a corporate marketing director so that I could be home and make sure my ex wasn't coming in.
I have been trying my hardest to be calm, to forgive, to pray, to let God take care of it all, but I have panic attacks, heart palpations, and go into these fits. They're less frequent than they were during the heat of the lawsuits, but like yesterday, I felt the panic from him taking my son and going over the top with a redicouls lecture. I needed my husband to make dinner happen, I need my birthday to be celebrated with something happy rather than always something being mourned. I need some normalacy. (I get served papers the day before Christmas every single year, by the way)
I wasn't always this loser. I have a college education, I have had 2 very good jobs that I was a success at. -All of which I was able to get once I left the bastard. Now that he's involved in my life daily again, I've become the loser I was when I was with him. I feel the exact same way - no hope and no change. I feel like I'm being suffocated. And everytime my son gets angry and says mean things, they're exactly what the ex has said to me in the past - verbatim. As I'm typing this, my chest is hurting. So, yesterday I broke down, had a fit, and today I'm analyzing, depressed and crying. I'm normally not typical again until 2 days after.
Is this normal behavior? How do you control it when you feel like you're being attacked? How can I explain this to my current husband? My son? What kind of boundaries can I set up and make people understand them? I feel like I communicate, but no one listens and then I'm the bad guy when I panic. Sometimes I just dont understand why I even exsist. Yesterday, my husband walked away and mumbled, "So, it's all my fault." I couldn't help but yell back, "No, it's all MY fault. It is MY birthday. I'm sorry I have one!" Ugh.
