Fenway0823
New Here
Hi all,
I just joined this group today after coming across a post while trying to "google" what the hell is wrong with me, and realizing that a lot of lovely people (such as yourselves) are also struggling. I was given the C-PTSD and developmental trauma diagnosis recently with a new team of therapists (I work with two lovely ladies that specialize in different things but communicate about my case together) after spending 9 years with a therapist who treated the panic disorder only.
I have always had a strong strong need for mother-type touch, and please don't misunderstand me when I say I crave it very much BUT not anything sexual, as it is strictly platonic and a much different desire than the one I have with my boyfriends (romantic relationships) in the past. This is a desire to be held and comforted and I constantly ask if I am safe, or if the person is going to leave. Obviously this isn't something most people can see or that I feel safe enough to show and I also have to feel very safe (like they are an emotionally kind person) as I also can be very repulsed by touch too and am with the larger majority of my friends or people. My mom withheld comfort and physical touch and I was taken out of my home at one point for physical abuse... I also was sexually assaulted (not a family member) at 16.
I have always felt like a total freak, and it didn't understand why I wanted, and borderline fantasized about being held safely all the way up until present time at age 30. It freaked me out because while it didn't/doesn't feel sexual at all, most the intimate touch you see at that age (or at least in my group of people) is reserved for being with partners. It's hard to explain but I have never wanted that from a partner... blending the two would feel a lot like sexual feelings towards a parent which makes me shudder (no offense to anyone intended! I am doing my best to explain this even though I have a lot of anxiety).
So here is the second part. My current therapist is so helpful because touch, with very safe boundaries, is a huge part of our therapy because as soon as my hands are touched or my back is rubbed, I instantly turn into a small child with minimal words, a lot of memories, and constant trembling and asking if I am safe. The only thing that gets me to that place of remembering and the only thing that soothes me in those states is safe and kind touch. She recognizes that and we work together at getting to the repressed stuff... problem is that I am such a jerk to myself about it. I feel like a freak and sometimes I think that if anyone else knew or saw that they would be horrified, laugh at me, or accuse it as a sexual gesture rather than a small child wanting their mom. I see my friends (granted, they have kind and present parents), and they just need a hug when they are sad and they can regulate on their own... I however need a hug to last about 30 mins or longer and just completely break down and become a different person. Obviously I have learned to repress this for most my life... I am a successful professional and this other side of me is so scary to me. I know it isn't sexual but I made the mistake of reading about maternal transference on google and read about people wanting to cross boundaries with their therapist that is really not at the root of what I am seeking, and to be honest, would likely traumatize me even more so I just got more confused and scared reading that. I was very careful in the therapist I selected to ensure that I could be held safely without any further harm but I still feel like I total freak.
I don't know how to explain this but you know when your "heart drops" when something happens that scares you or deeply affects you? Its an actually physical sensation? That's what happens when a safe and kind female figure grabs my hand, and it instantly sends me to the other side of my PTSD which is a traumatized child that never had a voice.
I have a lot of anxiety typing this and feel beyond scared and alone. Please be gentle with me. I assume you are all beautiful people and are extremely supportive, but putting myself out there with my deepest secrets and shame online is nothing short of terrifying.
Also, I have found a few old posts on this topic and reached out to those members. I just really need some support.
Thank you.
I just joined this group today after coming across a post while trying to "google" what the hell is wrong with me, and realizing that a lot of lovely people (such as yourselves) are also struggling. I was given the C-PTSD and developmental trauma diagnosis recently with a new team of therapists (I work with two lovely ladies that specialize in different things but communicate about my case together) after spending 9 years with a therapist who treated the panic disorder only.
I have always had a strong strong need for mother-type touch, and please don't misunderstand me when I say I crave it very much BUT not anything sexual, as it is strictly platonic and a much different desire than the one I have with my boyfriends (romantic relationships) in the past. This is a desire to be held and comforted and I constantly ask if I am safe, or if the person is going to leave. Obviously this isn't something most people can see or that I feel safe enough to show and I also have to feel very safe (like they are an emotionally kind person) as I also can be very repulsed by touch too and am with the larger majority of my friends or people. My mom withheld comfort and physical touch and I was taken out of my home at one point for physical abuse... I also was sexually assaulted (not a family member) at 16.
I have always felt like a total freak, and it didn't understand why I wanted, and borderline fantasized about being held safely all the way up until present time at age 30. It freaked me out because while it didn't/doesn't feel sexual at all, most the intimate touch you see at that age (or at least in my group of people) is reserved for being with partners. It's hard to explain but I have never wanted that from a partner... blending the two would feel a lot like sexual feelings towards a parent which makes me shudder (no offense to anyone intended! I am doing my best to explain this even though I have a lot of anxiety).
So here is the second part. My current therapist is so helpful because touch, with very safe boundaries, is a huge part of our therapy because as soon as my hands are touched or my back is rubbed, I instantly turn into a small child with minimal words, a lot of memories, and constant trembling and asking if I am safe. The only thing that gets me to that place of remembering and the only thing that soothes me in those states is safe and kind touch. She recognizes that and we work together at getting to the repressed stuff... problem is that I am such a jerk to myself about it. I feel like a freak and sometimes I think that if anyone else knew or saw that they would be horrified, laugh at me, or accuse it as a sexual gesture rather than a small child wanting their mom. I see my friends (granted, they have kind and present parents), and they just need a hug when they are sad and they can regulate on their own... I however need a hug to last about 30 mins or longer and just completely break down and become a different person. Obviously I have learned to repress this for most my life... I am a successful professional and this other side of me is so scary to me. I know it isn't sexual but I made the mistake of reading about maternal transference on google and read about people wanting to cross boundaries with their therapist that is really not at the root of what I am seeking, and to be honest, would likely traumatize me even more so I just got more confused and scared reading that. I was very careful in the therapist I selected to ensure that I could be held safely without any further harm but I still feel like I total freak.
I don't know how to explain this but you know when your "heart drops" when something happens that scares you or deeply affects you? Its an actually physical sensation? That's what happens when a safe and kind female figure grabs my hand, and it instantly sends me to the other side of my PTSD which is a traumatized child that never had a voice.
I have a lot of anxiety typing this and feel beyond scared and alone. Please be gentle with me. I assume you are all beautiful people and are extremely supportive, but putting myself out there with my deepest secrets and shame online is nothing short of terrifying.
Also, I have found a few old posts on this topic and reached out to those members. I just really need some support.
Thank you.
