New child, new house, uncontrollable anxiety

[Amcam]

Recently moved into new house, and gave birth to baby girl shortly after. Postpartum depression occurred and obsessed about her dying. Lots of stuff sets me off. I can't watch the news anymore. I have stopped watching most tv. I fear any talk of death that much. Lots of things at house undone. My To do list is overwhelming. Anxiety works me into a rage. I am angry at myself. I feel disgusted by my postpartum body. People say I look great for having a baby 3 months ago. It doesn't help. My hair is thin now and becoming very sparse in the front. It falls out constantly and it always hard to see it fall out in clumps in the shower. I am stressed to the point where xanax feels like a bandaid, if I take enough to calm me down I am a zombie. So, so many thoughts. Feeling depressed. Waiting for the Latuda(mood stabilizer) to kick in but it needs another 5 weeks, to take effect. After that, I will start fluvoxamine. I love what I have in my life. I don't want to commit suicide, but I deeply dread the next day. I almost don't want to wake up.

 

[Joan]

That all sounds really hard! Do you have some support in all of that? Can some of those things on the to do list be allowed to slide and come off the list so it is not so overwhelming?

 

[Amcam]

Luckily, I have a lot of support from my family, but them having to constantly help me lately is a great source of guilt and shame. I stay over at my parents house a lot now. It feels like I have practically moved back. I wanted to do it by myself this time. I had only myself to carry before and could barely manage that. Now I carry the responsibility of my husband, child, and new house on my back. Honestly, some things concerning the house can wait, but I am obsessive about things left undone. I have not turned back to bad habits (self harm, prescription pill abuse, and I have not starved myself in years) I am starting an out patient program this Monday, which I still don't like much, but it's still better then ending up in the psych ward again. I never wanted all this to happen again and now I am a mother. I am scared.

 

[mrsmegan]

I am happy to hear that you are starting an out patient program, I know that probably feels awful, but hopefully it will help.

If it helps at all, losing your hair ~3 months having a baby is totally normal. Happened to me with both of my girls. Still sucks, but just wanted to pass that along.

 

[GWhizz]

Can I ask you if this is your first baby? You've had some major life changes recently. Can you throw the to-do list to the wayside for now and give yourself a break? I found adjusting to motherhood super hard. It triggered so much of my PTSD symptoms to flare up. For now, all you need to think of is minding yourself and keeping your little girl safe. Does your doc/T know about the obsessive thoughts about your daughter dying?

FWIW the hairloss is completely normal. It's unfortunate after having extra glossy thick hair. But your body has just gone through a major upheaval. Again, give it a break! It wasn't until my second son was about 6mos old that I finally was in a place where I could balance parenting and self care enough to take up running and give my diet more attention. I'm am a family health nurse and I see it all too often the pressure that women place on themselves to be perfect and try to pretend they're the same person they were before they had a baby. Staying with your parents is great! You should be around those who can support you as you are especially vulnerable right now. Why feel guilty for that? They are adults and obviously are happy to help.

Finally, I would be a little concerned about the xanax use. It's really something that is only helpful in the very immediate short-term. I would ask your prescriber to review this as it could be contributing to rebound anxiety.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Feeling for you and sending a (hug). I had my little one 3 years ago, even with an easy stressless birth the shock of being a mum was huge - and not something I really registered until recently. Having to accept that you're responsible for another little person is a big deal. I'm a little concerned by your comments about being responsible. Your husband is an adult and needs to step up to the job in hand. Your only responsibility is you, and your child. The rest of life is his. Again, easy for me to say as it's something I only realised I got wrong recently. I had the overwhelming need to sort everything and for everything to be sorted, and it was only me that could do it right.

I don't really have any answers, I just wanted to share my experience of being a new first time mum with ptsd and let you know I'm feeling for you. I also think there's a huge pressure on mums now to be perfect (whatever the hell that is) so try and be gentle with yourself and ignore all that stuff on the internet/ social media. Most people are lying about how well everything is going!

I'm glad to hear people are helping and you're engaged in treatment.

 

[anthony]

Congrats on the new baby.

Here lay the more specific issue to all of this I believe:

but I am obsessive about things left undone

Can I ask you, what will happen if these things you obsess over are not done?

List them out with the worst case scenario.

 

[The Albatross]

There's a really good reason he asked ya to do this.

 

[Amcam]

Can I ask you if this is your first baby? You've had some major life changes recently. Can you throw the...

You're right about the xanax, I forgot about the rebound anxiety. My doctor has me on klonopin now, which I don't think is any better. Im also on Latuda, but I really wish he put me on Prozac. I don't want to be sedated, I want to get better!

 

[Amcam]

Congrats on the new baby.

Here lay the more specific issue to all of this I believe:

Can I ask you, what...

Feeling for you and sending a (hug). I had my little one 3 years ago, even with an easy stres...

Thanks for empathy and hugs.