Hey everyone,
I'm Jay and I joined to get some further insight into what may be going on with me in my life as many of my issues seem to point to PTSD or a related mental illness.
I also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as a child suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My PTSD symptoms started when I was 11 and my "friend" attempted to rape me. I was coerced into thinking we were doing some "wrestling move" and he very slowly tried to ease his way into having sex with me, much against my will. I remember feeling helpless and incredibly uncomfortable. I remember thinking to just let him finish doing whatever, it'll be over soon. His mom walked in before any clothing was removed and I remember the intense humiliation. We were interrogated by his parents afterwards asking what we were doing. I told them we were just "wrestling."
This friend continued his sexual advances for the length of our friendship. Often wanting to masturbate together, each other, as well as getting uncomfortably close with me. He was also one of the worst bullies of my life, regularly hitting me and making fun of me while at the same time being immensely protective of me when others picked on me. He wanted to hang out all the time and would regularly show up at my house unannounced. I began to make excuses as to why I couldn't go outside and play.
I felt like a bad friend from time to time. Like I wasn't giving him enough of a chance and that I should hang out with more. Things that I now know are typical symptoms of being victimized.
During my friendship with him I got one of my first girlfriends who we'll call Sue for privacy reasons. When I was almost 12 she came into my life in the typical scenario for kids that young; calling me out of the blue and asking me out. After she persisted, I agreed and she was my first kiss. I became very attached to her within 2 weeks and she dumped me at a dance. I cried.
A few months later she came back into my life, wanting to hang out. We became really close and she would prove to be one of the most emotionally abusive people I ever met. In time I grew to have feelings for her again and she knew this. She would regularly torment me with stories of her (many) boyfriends and go on about how she didn't like me for the sole purpose of hurting my feelings. She would also start fights with me where I was berated into feeling like I had done something terribly wrong only to later say "oh I wasn't even mad. I just wanted to see if you were a real friend." She would make me cry on the phone for her amusement. She would become incredibly angry with me if I did not answer an instant message in a timely manner.
Every now and then she would tell me she had feelings for me and we would date for a very short time, only for her to dump me quite quickly. Yet we remained close and her behavior continued. I tried to cut her out at the end of 7th grade but she came back within a few months wanting to be my girlfriend again. We dated for 3 weeks and I was dumped again.
During 8th grade I remember just wanting to be with her and her not reciprocating. Her behavior only became worse as she regularly made me feel like a worthless human being. Sometime that year I went to her house to hang with her and her friend and we made out. Sue's friend had a crush on me so I was commanded to make out with her as well. This happened on 2 occasions. Afterwards she told me she only "kind of liked me" but wouldn't date me. Her other emotionally abusive behavior continued until the end of 8th grade when I told her to get out of my life.
During this time, I was regularly bullied by my friends both physically and emotionally. I was called ugly by girls. I remember an instance where a friend of mine thought it would be fun to hit me in the head with his penis. I was regularly made to feel insignificant.
My family also started to fall apart at this time and fights were a regular occurrence at home. In 10th grade my dad left home to live with his ex wife in Texas. He had been traveling down there for months and lying to his family about what he was up to. He only stuck around for a very short time after initially leaving home. He tries to keep in touch but is a typical deadbeat skipping on child support payments and even trying to legally disown me (that happened when I was 21). I remember so many fights had with him. My mom didn't take it well and spiraled into an extreme manic depression.
My friends regularly bullied me throughout high school. I began to feel like I had no real friends and no support. My mom was crying all the time and yelling about my dad. We had no money. I was regularly made to feel like a piece of shit.
Since then there have been a couple reinforcing situations. My best friend had an affair with a long-term girlfriend of mine, I was regularly picked on and belittled by certain people in my life, amongst other things.
Now I find anytime I try to get in a relationship or date I am absolutely terrified. I either am so unbelievably scared that the person will leave me (even if we haven't know each other very long) or try to find any reason to end a relationship. I focus on turn offs or just irrationally feel like I don't want to be with someone despite having clear feelings for them. I always second guess my feelings. Dating and relationships regularly make me panic to the point where I miss work and become ill. I try to sabotage things and convince myself I don't want to be with the person only to be devastated when they leave me.
Sex is hard for me. Getting turned on can be a challenge. Sometimes I tremble. Sometimes I'm completely disinterested in sex for weeks. Sometimes I want to have sex up until right before it happens. Can't keep it up, finish too quickly, aversion, coldness, you name it. Sometimes I even panic when I masturbate or can't even get myself aroused.
Being poked or touched in a certain way by men makes me extremely uncomfortable and can sometimes be followed by days of depression. If I feel restrained of victimized I can panic or at least become extremely uncomfortable.
I don't believe people. I sometimes feel nothing. No empathy or anything for anyone. Sometimes I want to die and think about killing myself.
I'm currently trying to start a new romantic relationship and I keep pushing this girl away. It's heartbreaking because I really like her. I even feel like I may love her. I think we're a great pair and we have a lot of fun together. I cannot shake the anxiety about whether or not I like her and want to push her away. I also cannot shake the anxiety that she will leave me. Even when things are fine and I feel great about us, I can find myself in a panic the next day. Especially if we've spent a few days together. Sometimes I wake up next to her and just want to get away from her despite having felt strong feelings for her the night before.
I think about it and it doesn't make sense. I want this to work. I want to be in this relationship I'm fairly sure. Yet, it seems like I find any reason to make sure it doesn't happen. I can't explain the panic either. I don't know where it comes from. It feels like I'm re-experiencing these traumatic events in my life.
This has happened in every relationship or dating situation in my life. Even in a 5 and a half year relationship, I spent the first year trying to push her away. Trying to convince myself I didn't want to be in it.
Yet in retrospect, I truly loved her and don't know what I was scared of.
This and more has led me to want to find help. I currently go to therapy for my anxiety but these stress responses to intimate relationships makes me think that there is more at play. Something else isn't right. Why am I terrified of getting close to someone yet that's what I crave the most?
Through it all, I am very positive and have come a long way. I regularly exercise and meditate to help cope which really help. I'm just tired of living like this. It feels like a hell in my head I can't escape from. I want to get better and stop being a f*cking hurricane in the lives of others. Especially those I date.
So yeah, that's what I'm dealing with at the moment. Hoping to find some support here.
I'm Jay and I joined to get some further insight into what may be going on with me in my life as many of my issues seem to point to PTSD or a related mental illness.
I also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as a child suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My PTSD symptoms started when I was 11 and my "friend" attempted to rape me. I was coerced into thinking we were doing some "wrestling move" and he very slowly tried to ease his way into having sex with me, much against my will. I remember feeling helpless and incredibly uncomfortable. I remember thinking to just let him finish doing whatever, it'll be over soon. His mom walked in before any clothing was removed and I remember the intense humiliation. We were interrogated by his parents afterwards asking what we were doing. I told them we were just "wrestling."
This friend continued his sexual advances for the length of our friendship. Often wanting to masturbate together, each other, as well as getting uncomfortably close with me. He was also one of the worst bullies of my life, regularly hitting me and making fun of me while at the same time being immensely protective of me when others picked on me. He wanted to hang out all the time and would regularly show up at my house unannounced. I began to make excuses as to why I couldn't go outside and play.
I felt like a bad friend from time to time. Like I wasn't giving him enough of a chance and that I should hang out with more. Things that I now know are typical symptoms of being victimized.
During my friendship with him I got one of my first girlfriends who we'll call Sue for privacy reasons. When I was almost 12 she came into my life in the typical scenario for kids that young; calling me out of the blue and asking me out. After she persisted, I agreed and she was my first kiss. I became very attached to her within 2 weeks and she dumped me at a dance. I cried.
A few months later she came back into my life, wanting to hang out. We became really close and she would prove to be one of the most emotionally abusive people I ever met. In time I grew to have feelings for her again and she knew this. She would regularly torment me with stories of her (many) boyfriends and go on about how she didn't like me for the sole purpose of hurting my feelings. She would also start fights with me where I was berated into feeling like I had done something terribly wrong only to later say "oh I wasn't even mad. I just wanted to see if you were a real friend." She would make me cry on the phone for her amusement. She would become incredibly angry with me if I did not answer an instant message in a timely manner.
Every now and then she would tell me she had feelings for me and we would date for a very short time, only for her to dump me quite quickly. Yet we remained close and her behavior continued. I tried to cut her out at the end of 7th grade but she came back within a few months wanting to be my girlfriend again. We dated for 3 weeks and I was dumped again.
During 8th grade I remember just wanting to be with her and her not reciprocating. Her behavior only became worse as she regularly made me feel like a worthless human being. Sometime that year I went to her house to hang with her and her friend and we made out. Sue's friend had a crush on me so I was commanded to make out with her as well. This happened on 2 occasions. Afterwards she told me she only "kind of liked me" but wouldn't date me. Her other emotionally abusive behavior continued until the end of 8th grade when I told her to get out of my life.
During this time, I was regularly bullied by my friends both physically and emotionally. I was called ugly by girls. I remember an instance where a friend of mine thought it would be fun to hit me in the head with his penis. I was regularly made to feel insignificant.
My family also started to fall apart at this time and fights were a regular occurrence at home. In 10th grade my dad left home to live with his ex wife in Texas. He had been traveling down there for months and lying to his family about what he was up to. He only stuck around for a very short time after initially leaving home. He tries to keep in touch but is a typical deadbeat skipping on child support payments and even trying to legally disown me (that happened when I was 21). I remember so many fights had with him. My mom didn't take it well and spiraled into an extreme manic depression.
My friends regularly bullied me throughout high school. I began to feel like I had no real friends and no support. My mom was crying all the time and yelling about my dad. We had no money. I was regularly made to feel like a piece of shit.
Since then there have been a couple reinforcing situations. My best friend had an affair with a long-term girlfriend of mine, I was regularly picked on and belittled by certain people in my life, amongst other things.
Now I find anytime I try to get in a relationship or date I am absolutely terrified. I either am so unbelievably scared that the person will leave me (even if we haven't know each other very long) or try to find any reason to end a relationship. I focus on turn offs or just irrationally feel like I don't want to be with someone despite having clear feelings for them. I always second guess my feelings. Dating and relationships regularly make me panic to the point where I miss work and become ill. I try to sabotage things and convince myself I don't want to be with the person only to be devastated when they leave me.
Sex is hard for me. Getting turned on can be a challenge. Sometimes I tremble. Sometimes I'm completely disinterested in sex for weeks. Sometimes I want to have sex up until right before it happens. Can't keep it up, finish too quickly, aversion, coldness, you name it. Sometimes I even panic when I masturbate or can't even get myself aroused.
Being poked or touched in a certain way by men makes me extremely uncomfortable and can sometimes be followed by days of depression. If I feel restrained of victimized I can panic or at least become extremely uncomfortable.
I don't believe people. I sometimes feel nothing. No empathy or anything for anyone. Sometimes I want to die and think about killing myself.
I'm currently trying to start a new romantic relationship and I keep pushing this girl away. It's heartbreaking because I really like her. I even feel like I may love her. I think we're a great pair and we have a lot of fun together. I cannot shake the anxiety about whether or not I like her and want to push her away. I also cannot shake the anxiety that she will leave me. Even when things are fine and I feel great about us, I can find myself in a panic the next day. Especially if we've spent a few days together. Sometimes I wake up next to her and just want to get away from her despite having felt strong feelings for her the night before.
I think about it and it doesn't make sense. I want this to work. I want to be in this relationship I'm fairly sure. Yet, it seems like I find any reason to make sure it doesn't happen. I can't explain the panic either. I don't know where it comes from. It feels like I'm re-experiencing these traumatic events in my life.
This has happened in every relationship or dating situation in my life. Even in a 5 and a half year relationship, I spent the first year trying to push her away. Trying to convince myself I didn't want to be in it.
Yet in retrospect, I truly loved her and don't know what I was scared of.
This and more has led me to want to find help. I currently go to therapy for my anxiety but these stress responses to intimate relationships makes me think that there is more at play. Something else isn't right. Why am I terrified of getting close to someone yet that's what I crave the most?
Through it all, I am very positive and have come a long way. I regularly exercise and meditate to help cope which really help. I'm just tired of living like this. It feels like a hell in my head I can't escape from. I want to get better and stop being a f*cking hurricane in the lives of others. Especially those I date.
So yeah, that's what I'm dealing with at the moment. Hoping to find some support here.
