Relationship New, Confused, Combat Vet Denies Ptsd

[lovemyvet]

Hi Everyone,
I'm so glad I found this site! I'm in a relationship with a retired combat vet. We've been together for a little over a year. Right now he's overseas (I think). And I say I think because he was supposed to come home on or around this time and I haven't heard from him for 3 days. I have no idea if he's in the states or not :(

When we met he was attentive, loving, generous...everything I was looking for in a man. And he said that I was everything he was looking for in a woman. We quickly fell in love and life was great for about 8 months. As we grew closer, he began to push away. It happened more and more until we were barely speaking or texting (by this time he was overseas).

He has not admitted that he suffers from PTSD (I've asked and he says that he doesn't have it), but he fits all of the characteristics. His childhood was rough, and then he was medically discharged from combat military after developing MS. When I met him he was working for the DoD overseas. He admits that he "shut his emotions off" when he was 12, but that when he met me his emotions "turned back on without him realizing" and that scared him.

As a supporter and as someone who loves this man, is there anything I can or should be doing to try to get him the help he needs? He's in a deep isolation period now, and has said that he wants to move our relationship forward but he's just not ready. I understand this and I just want to help him. Should I just let him be and wait for him to contact me? Thanks for reading :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

He has not admitted that he suffers from PTSD (I've asked and he says that he doesn't have it), but he fits all of the characteristics.

What in particular makes you think he has PTSD?

 

[lovemyvet]

What in particular makes you think he has PTSD?

Hi @Sweetpea76 :) Thanks for responding. Here are my observations:

1. He had a very traumatic childhood that he won't deal with
2. He's a former combat vet and he's shared horrific stories of what he's seen and what he's experienced
3. He's been engaged 3 times and each time backed out
4. He isolates...sometimes for a day, sometimes for weeks
5. He has a very low self esteem, and has what he describes as "no feelings" or "numb" except for me
6. He thinks he's not good enough for me
7. He's scared of loving me because all of the people he loved either left him or died (mom, teammates) and he blames himself for this
8. He has suppressed memories and feelings in order to cope with every day life
9. He drinks pretty much every day.
10. Emotions are a trigger for him....when he starts to feel strong emotions for me he isolates and tells me I should be with someone else, but then comes back.
11. He believes that he developed MS in the military because he suppressed his emotions and traumas rather than deal with them.
12. He is always "on guard" watching for danger...he can't let himself relax.

I've tried to bring up the possibility that he has PTSD and while he might say "maybe" he won't take the next step. I don't want to trigger anything in him so I just leave it alone.

I guess whether or not we work out as a love relationship, I really care for him and I want to help. That's basically why I'm here...to learn and do what I can for him.

 

[Justmehere]

Some of what you describe are PTSD symptoms and other things are not. There is a lot going on for him, and it does seem clear he needs help and to meet with professionals to diagnose and treat his symptoms. If he isn't willing though, he isn't willing.

For him, running from facing the trauma and enduring all these symptoms is working for him well enough to avoid the very hard and painful work of facing the trauma. He's not likely to change until the conseuqeces of his untreated PTSD get to be severe enough they are worse than the pain and fear of dealing with what he has been through.

Something you can do is to get support for you. It might help encourage him to go, but even more, you will be more supported as you figure out how to respond and handle this. He has a lot of things going on for him, and you have taken a good step to reach out here. Alanon is another option, so is individual counseling.

Another important step is to avoid care-taking or enabling him. It's really easy to do this, especially when a loved one is hurting so much like he is. But, it will help motivate him to consider doing things differently if you don't caretake him - including things like not mentioning stuff (like how to get help for PTSD) because you don't want to trigger him. I know you want to help him, and that is a really good thing. Ultimately, it's probably going a little too far to not mention real problems that impact your relationship in an effort to manage his triggers for him. It's best to leave it up to him to manage his triggers. And it's actually ok if he gets triggered. The more you can focus on caring for yourself and what you need in the relationship, the sooner he might hit a "rock bottom" an finally get into treatment.

 

[lovemyvet]

Thank you so much @Justmehere for your reply :) I totally agree with your point of stopping the care taking...which I plan to do NOW. Which, is not hard seeing as he is isolating and I haven't heard from him in two weeks :( Your entire message is so on point.

But within those two weeks I've been learning all I can on PTSD and keeping myself occupied. So, I only miss him about every other second (kidding, but not by much). It's my first real bout with a complete isolation from him for this long, so I'm very new at dealing with it.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm a sufferer, but also a supporter who is enduring an isolation period of another sufferer. It's so hard. Sounds like you are taking some good steps. Hang in there! :hug:

 

[lovemyvet]

Thank you @Justmehere !! Hopefully you're hanging in too! I think I messed up though because I ended up texting him (cringe)...I said "Hope you're OK - miss you" Ugh!!!!

 

[Justmehere]

It's good you are mindful to not push for contact, and that's not a huge mistake. When I've shut people out, but didn't set a no contact boundary, a rare "I miss you" text was very understandable. If he told you to never text him, that's a bit different, but I still hope you give yourself lots of grace, This is hard stuff to navigate!

 

[lovemyvet]

It certainly is!!! Especially since he isolated without any warning at all. He was coming home from overseas getting ready to do some training back in the states. The last contact I had from him was a good night text. Then NOTHING! Not a word. I had no idea if he is here or not, if he still wants to be with me or not. If he had just said "I need time" I wouldn't be so upset, but with NO contact I have no idea where I stand :( Thanks again for your insight @Justmehere . I hope things are well with you today.