New Ground - Scared.

[Laure]

This is my first created thread and so I hope it is ok.

I feel very isolated about this and I don't feel like talking to the few people I am close with as I am feeling not-so-good about what is supposed to be a positive thing, and I am ashamed and also afraid of disappointing them if I let on how I feel.

I'm 19 and in the next month will start my undergraduate degree course at university. I've not been able to cope well with being in much everyday social situations since I was about 15, including at school - I got my grades but did most work independently or one-to-one. This last year I have been in and out of a psychiatric unit in hospital.

I'm incredibly nervous about starting - for all the normal reasons too of course!

However I think the biggest fear is that I am going to go from pretty much all of my contact with people being with psychologists/psychiatrists/nurses, to no contact with them, and contact only really with people who I don't - at least initially - want to know my past or suffering from PTSD. (There are of course elements of this that are depressingly near impossible to hide.)

I find it so hard to connect with other people. I am very introverted and keep myself to myself. It's not that I think that what happened to me is a wholly unique experience, although it is in some respects, but there still feels to be a gulf so much of the time, I'm still very full of shame and also find it difficult to trust anybody. So this feels very alienating and isolating - this is normal?

I'm scared, I think, because secrecy is such a trigger. I've been able to be more open and relaxed about my issues recently than ever, as I started to build a good relationship with a therapist, but I'm worried that as soon as it is my PRIVATE thing again and mine alone - as I will lose contact with her - it will feel like a secret again - and this sets off cycles of shame, guilt, and relapsing into very bad mind frames .

I realise I sound very pessimistic but I've learned to be as this helps me to prepare better and not be crushed if I find myself not managing something well?

Anyway so I thought I would reach out where it is a safe place to, and people might understand.

If anybody has experience or any advice for managing elements of PTSD such as hyper vigilance, dissociating, flashbacks and so whilst in education I would be so appreciative of any help, just even to know that it's possible and ok. I know it is but at the same time I am full of doubt and the opposite of being able to reassure myself.

Again I hope that this is ok. If you read this far, bless you! And thank you.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Laure and welcome to the forum.

I note that you have had a lot of psychiatric/psychological intervention over the past wee while, but have you had any actual trauma focused therapy? I ask this because it reads as if you still have full trauma related symptoms - with flashbacks etc, which I would have expected to have reduced with Trauma focused therapy. Of course they may be better now but perhaps you are worried about them becoming worse when you go to uni?

Do you have a plan of psychological support when you start your studies? Change is always difficult, and it is good to be prepared. Does the uni have a 'Student Support' dept that you can contact in advance? Have you been able to identify a safe person to go to if you need time out?

Will you be moving away to do this, or still living as you do now? ( are you with your family?)

You are right to be nervous - but nervous is normal!!! My T always says a degree of anxiety is what spurs us on to do something. I know it is a very unpleasant feeling but I think he is right. Also everybody else will be feeling nervous too. It is a very exciting time for all of you, and it is great that despite your difficulties you are facing this challenge head on. Be proud of yourself!

What subject are you planning to study?
(PS feel free to ignore all questions!)

 

[Underdog]

Hello @Laure , although I don't have any specific advice other than what was previously mentioned, I just wanted to say hello and welcome.

 

[Friday]

Ive found people don't question photographers doing the odd things that I do. It's like a camera is a free pass to be as peculiar as one wishes, and be very boringly normal. Probably because they have an instant answer as to why I'm climbing on stuff, walking about, stopping dead, crouching, etc. Ah. Clearly to get the shot. Mmhmm. That's it. I'm just scanning the room for the best light source. ;)

 

[Laure]

Hi again, and wow thank you for the responses already.

@Lucycat - Hello, thank you for your reply, it is reassuring. I will answer where I can - I have had some trauma focused CBT however recently it all got too much, decided to shelve lots of stuff because I'm trying to focus on pulling uni off now. Also for a number of weird reasons I'm still in the family house where the bad things happened, with the same people - now's just not the right time, I hope to delve into certain areas once I have a safe home and better support network in place (fingers crossed.) I have had a reduction in some things like flashbacks but it's still very new/raw/too close to home. I am really worried about things getting worse once I go away, people at the university have been great and I have some good academic support in place - it's just that safe, counselling side of support that I won't be able to access for a while. I will be moving yes, a good thing - away from bad place ! - but also tricky thing as away from my psychological support. Hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives :) - and yes, I'm definitely trying to ride this anxiety and see it as a good and ok thing, rather than run from it, as for once I feel like it's at least partly normal! Thank you.

@Underdog - Thanks :-) and hello to you too.

@FridayJones - Hahah, at first your reply confused me as I hadn't mentioned photography I was like huh? But I see, that sounds like it could be a good cover ! I'm not however sure it would work in an Biology lab or Ecology lecture .. 'Too much coffee' is my usual excuse for overly nervous behaviour, to be a caffeine fiend seems more socially acceptable and easy to identify with than the real thing haha.