Relationship New Here And In Need Of Help

[jkr8789]

First, I'm really glad I found this forum. It feels like there's no one else in my life that I can talk to about this who will understand, and I'm hoping I can gain some insight by becoming a member of this community.

I've been with my boyfriend since late May of 2011. He spend 4yrs in the Marine Corp Special Forces and completed 5 deployments. I started dating him almost a year after he returned from his last deployment (Afghanistan) and just 6 months after he left the Marines. I knew he had some serious issues when we first met... he was a recovering addict (alcohol and cocaine), was diagnosed with PTSD, and had recently fractured his L2 vertebrae when he blacked out at a bar. Despite all that, I fell in love and we just seemed to click. It was a really, really tough summer for us as he tried his best to get his life together... and I tried my best to figure out what I should do to help him. Our relationship was all over the place, but I hung on and so did he. Since this summer he's moved twice and is on his second job since September. He recently decided to go back to school through night classes, and at first I thought that was great. This second job was a good one; I really thought things were looking up and he was getting his life together. But the past three weeks have been really bad... he's been withdrawing and shutting me out. I've barely seen him. I thought maybe he was just busy with school and work. However, I just spent the weekend with him and found out differently. It's like he's taken three steps back and he's so lost. I found out he hasn't been going to classes, he hasn't been showing up for work... his drinking is as bad as I've ever seen it, and the nightmares are back. He's not sleeping. He keeps talking about how he feels restless, like he needs to just run away from everything... that he's numb... that he'll never be normal and that he's a bad person... that he's crazy... that I shouldn't be around him. He's always under the influence of something: alcohol, nicotine, caffeine. I'm afraid that drugs are going to work their way back into his life. It's the only way he knows how to cope.

It looks like the PTSD and depression is back in full force, and I am at a loss. I just don't know what to do. There's no way I can even begin to comprehend what he's been through. I've tried encouraging him to see someone, join a support group, just talk to anyone. But he's convinced that no one can help him, and he will barely talk to me about it. I know he's torn apart inside and I'm not convinced that it's fixable. This morning he decided last minute to take a trip up to New England (hundreds of miles away) to visit his friend who is opening a bar at a ski resort there and needs a partner to help run the place. He's seriously considering making the move up there. He has no money and wants to just drop everything here to get away. I know it's the PTSD doing this to him. I love him with all of my heart, but I'm just not sure that I can do anything for him. I try to support him, I try to listen, I try to be there for him in whatever way I can... but I just don't know if I'm even helping. I know he's a good man and I want to believe that he can get his life together so that we can have a future together. I guess that I didn't fully realize the magnitude of PTSD until I spent this weekend with him and he opened up a bit. It's horrible and it's been all I can think about.

Sorry this is so long... but there's no one else I can talk to. My family doesn't think I should be with him because of his rough past and his uncertain future. My friends think he's going to drag me down. Inside I'm not entirely convinced that they're wrong, but I want to see the best in him. I know this isn't him. This isn't the real man I love. But there comes a point where I have to ask... when is enough, enough? How long can I wait for him to get his life together? Is there something more I should be doing? I guess that I'm really just looking for any advice, experiences, words of encouragement... anything. I'm in med school right now and so I have a lot on my plate... he's constantly on my mind and the stress of school and him is getting to me. I need help with this.

 

[sisu]

Welcome jkr8789. I am sooooo sorry that you are going through this with your boyfriend. I think if you read any threads in the supporters section you will find your story over and over again. I too was in your shoes not so long ago. My boyfriend and I are in a good place right now, but it took a lot to get there. Our relationship isn't perfect - but honestly I don't think any relationship is.

Being a med student right now keeps you busy I am sure - and your friends and family see your potential and only want the best for you which is why they don't want you with him. Only you can know what is best for you at any moment in time. All I can say is take care of yourself and don't lose your sight of your goals.... ((((hugs))))

 

[JohnJohn]

Jkr,

Welcome. First we need to take care of ourselves and this is a great step. My wife has some form of past trauma (undiagnosed ptsd) and has been trying to avoid it and cover up those past negative emotions for years. To complicate things we are both in law enforcement and have a daughter in the middle. What I realized is that no matter how hard you try to make them better it won't work. All we can do is support and hope they seek help and begin the healling process. Until then those wounds are still there and they think it is better or perhaps easier to avoid them.

Now all of this is my opinion, but in my case my wife is starting to come around to getting help. I believe it is largely due to me seeking help, since the situation caused such turmoil in our marriage. She saw the good it did me and she began to feel confident her situation was not hopeless.

So many of our loved ones feel overwhelmed by the tidal wave of negative emotions from their traumas that they survive through avoidance and negative behaviors (drinking; drugs, etc.) because they seem easier pathways to survive. We have to show them through love that is not the only way and by example we illuminate positive alternatives toward living again, not just surviving.

Everyone at some point is a victim of negative circumstances, but not everyone knows how to survive and ultimately live again. Don't loose hope, take care of yourself, be strong, live and love so those closest to us see another way out. We can be that beacon of hope, but it is ultimately their path to choose.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. We can only do our best at anything and should not regret things that are beyond our control.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you in your situation.

 

[jkr8789]

Thank you so much for the support and words of encouragement... it really helps to have people who actually understand my situation. I've been feeling really frustrated and alone lately because it feels like I have no one to talk to about this. Now I know that I have a place to relate to others! It helps to read the stories about Combat PTSD on this site... and I find myself nodding in agreement and see so many similarities between those stories and my own relationship.

I guess I'm still a little unsure about how much pressure I should be putting on him to get back to his daily life... do I encourage him to go to class, go to work, get help? Is it just going to irritate him if I keep suggesting these things? Will it push him away even more? Or will it help steer him in the right direction? I understand that he won't seek help until he's ready on his own terms... but I'm not sure how to react to his life decisions right now. I don't think he's making the best choices, and I don't know if I should remain silent or voice my opinion. I don't know what he needs to hear. Does he need to make his own mistakes and learn from them? I have a hard time sitting by and watching him self-destruct... I don't want to see him fail his classes, lose his job, go back to the alcohol and drugs.

Also... when we spend the weekend together, he never seems to want to do much of anything. I don't mind hanging around the house on the weekends and just relaxing with him since I'm so busy at school during the week... but I don't know if it's good for him. Should I be trying to get him out of the house more? Should I get him to do things with me? It's also a difficult situation financially... he's broke and in debt, and I'm a student so money is tight for me. We don't have many options when it comes to fun things that we can do.

He's lied to me several times in our relationship, and I've caught him and confronted him about it when it comes to big important things. I know why he lies to me sometimes, and as much as it kills me inside, I know that it's probably a byproduct of the PTSD in some form. But when I know he's lying about little things... like when he says that "class was cancelled today" or "I have the day off from work"... do I call him out on it, or just let it slide? Lately I've been letting it slide, and usually the truth comes out in some way at a later point in time. But now I'm not sure if I should be taking this approach?

I guess I'm just not sure what the best approach here is. What kind of support does he need from me? Does he need me to stand back and let him get his own life together, or does he need a push in the right direction sometimes? Should I remain passive and be there for support when he needs it, or should I be taking more of an active role and encouraging him? I want to be whatever he needs me to be at this point in his life. I believe in him and I want to see him happy and go on to be the man I know that he can be... but I'm not sure that's going to ever happen, and I'm not sure that I'll be able to stick around so that I can be a part of his life. It certainly doesn't help that I am under pressure from my entire family to leave him. I can't even begin to describe the fights I've gotten into with them all about my relationship with him... that just tears me right apart.

Again, sorry this is so long. Thanks for any/all advice. It helps just to get my feelings out, read about others' similar experiences, and know that I'm not alone in this.

 

[sisu]

As I am sure you have read and as a med student you probably know - PTSD is a stress disorder. The more stress and pressure you put on him about anything, the more it will backfire. He may be blowing off class or skipping work because of the stress and he just hasn't voiced that to you yet. Most people with severe PTSD cannot work - so work & school is a lot for him. Plus being broke is very stressful too - not having enough money to pay bills or do things can be depressing. I am extremely laid back and honestly not too much bothers me, and I kinda figure I can only control my own choices and actions. Everyone else has to figure their own way. You can be encouraging and supportive - but he doesn't need a mother to tell him to go to class, to go to work or whatever it is that you think he needs to do. He is a grown man and he knows what he needs to do - my guess is that there are times when the PTSD takes over and he just can't. If he is going to self-destruct there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. He needs to make the choice to get help - counseling, meds or whatever is recommended for him. I know this is difficult because you love him and you see his potential, but he has to make that choice. As for the lying - I personally can't stand lies, but the two small lies you mentioned are most likely just to avoid any confrontation from you about why he chose to skip class or work. He just couldn't deal with it and so he lied to you. (I am so sorry if any of that sounded harsh - I don't mean it to be that way)

For weekend outings....I know my guy is willing to go out and do things, but we do have to be careful where we go and what we do. He cannot handle crowds or any large venues. He doesn't even really like movie theaters but is willing to go from time to time with me. We have found low key activities to do around town. For example, we both like beer - he makes beer at home and we like micro brewed beer from local breweries. This has become very popular so there are usually many micro-breweries around. We sometimes spend a Saturday doing a micro-brew tour....tasting is free and we are out driving around and walking outside. It's not a day of getting drunk - they give you tiny little tast cups (about the size of 1 or 2 swallows of beer) - it's just a day of fun and happiness. And this also gives us ideas for the next batch of beer to make at home.

PTSD is new for your guy, he is probably still finding his way around this life changing stress disorder. Be patient with him and take care of yourself.

 

[JohnJohn]

I know it is frustrating. We are ready to go and move on with our lives, while loved ones are not ready to keep up. Progress will be slow and you can not speed up the process. Believe me I want to get things going, but that is not what they need.

Just because they don't get help or progress they way we want does not mean you just have to sit by. In my case I sought out therapy for their traumatic affliction. It help me understand what triggers were out there and how to empower my self. The good it did me helped improve my levels of frustration and showed my loved ones that I care and peace is possible. Your example during their tough times may help them. Remember you can never help someone very well if you sacrifice your own well being. Two victims might be the result. Support from a position of strength and take care of yourself, then you can take care of others more easily.

I hope that helps. It helped me and ultimately I am doing it for wife and daughter.