Undiagnosed New Here And Unsure

[still here]

A year has come to our house after the event of a affair. The story of this year seems to be almost like a bad dream.

No I was not in battle no I did not survive a car crash or something that would drive me to be here. It was something more simple something more common. But something that has ruined my life as I once knew it. It is not as devastating as some of things that trigger some of you and for your situation I am sorry you had to go through what you went though.

I separated from my husband on April 29th after many years of issues and fighting baggage of both our pasts seeping in to affect the marriage. Desperate to have something change I asked him to leave. I wanted time to be able to work on this and I never explained that well. Days of texting and trying to just move on or not( I am not sure now of what I wanted I just need something to change).

He went to work and a girl that he worked with show interest and he had a affair. I found out about it before he told me and I tried to make it out in my mind like it never happened, that is was not true that it was false information. And then I got the call only a day before he came home to see the children from this woman. I sat and listened as a woman on the other described in great detail their encounter, down to very intimate details.

I blocked most of it out but remember the tone in her voice and the things she shared as she said them hit me to the bone as I envisioned and followed her story. I hung up and waited for him to come home, I was sure it was someone made at him he would never do this to me as it was something he knew I could never cope with in my never ending life of things happening to me..

I asked about her and has he been with anyone after me and he said no. He lied to my face and to this day says he never put the two together.

Bottom line he told me everything the gorry details and I listened. At some point I felt weak in the knees, a fog came over me like I was in a tunnel I could hear him speaking but it was like he was miles away I could hear the sound of my heart pumping in my head and the pain of it thumping. I threw up and felt like I no longer was there I was there hearing everything and seeing everything but like everything was in slow motion and I was a by stander to it all.

He left me to go to work and was desperate to not leave me his world fell apart that moment too. He never thought in a million years that I would ever react or be destroyed as I was. It was a long night that night full of terrible thoughts and my brain needing to find away to escape this now physical pain I was feeling. then something just calmed in me and I felt numb.

A full past of multiple situations of great devastation gave me a way to cope. Like the issues in the past that were horrific I assumed this too would pass and I would cope and I would each day find a way to get up and brush my self off.

This has not been the case.

Every day for the first 2 months I would experience the same roller coaster of emotions. Like thunder before a storm I would feel it building up in side of me something big and then at about 1:00 pm everyday it would hit this flash of him being with her like I was standing beside them super glued to the floor being force to watched it all happen the smells of her and him and the sounds deafening my ears and at first just a flash of sever pain and horror. Anger that was so uncontrollable that I felt like the hulk this thing bursting from me saying things that were horrible rage and rants and complete loss of control. And I would do this until I was so physically exhausted I would fall asleep, and completely unable to stop it control it.

I secluded myself from the world ignoring phone calls and people not leaving my home for months trying to somehow get control of these flashes. I no longer slept and not really able to function but being able to function confused me. Walking on edge the slightest sound even a plate being dropped int he sink would send me flying to the roof. I found in time I was able to be o.k most of the time but the triggers got worse and nothing in particular would set me off and I found I never knew what could st me off so I was always waiting for the debilitating event to happen I am a prisoner in my home. I can not got get groceries sights and sounds trigger a emotional break down and it depends on the day what emotion will take on the upper hand anger crying shut down. I never knew what would trigger me and sometimes it was not the same trigger.

The rage is the hardest to deal with (which I am a emotional person but not a rageful person ever) because although able to function now I am still numb to many things. I will say things in the moent of trigger anger and feel nothing after I say them not guilt remorse not even happy to hurt...just nothing until I am triggered and it is like every emotion that was turned off comes flooding in to take over.

I never realized that a year later I would be suffering at the same level on a daily bases with triggers. Although not as scheduled so I could at least prepare for them and try and keep them at bay.and I am so tired and worn out. nothing I do seems to help nothing I try helps no matter what I do I know something will trigger me, and I am back to that exact moment of finding out . Like it was happening all over again I am re living each horrifying moment of the experience.

There is more to my life that lead me up to how devastating this was for me and more that plays into where I am at. This was a moment in my life where it all ended, the last horrific thing I was capable of dealing with the one thing that I knew could destroy me was on me and it will just not stop. I just want the flashbacks to stop how can I make them stop how can I be normal ever again. I feel like my body and mind just can not handle anymore of it. Adivan helps to a point but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel some where I am just so tired of crying of being angry of feeling out of control . I do not have friends anymore or go in public. the triggers are too humiliating and unpredictable.

I may not even be on the right forum or place I just hoped to find someone else that has been through something like this and could reassure me that baby steps will help me be normal again. What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me and why after a year do I have to deal with this

So am I nuts LOL is this normal to do this after something as simple as affair....I just know part my carefully bubbled world I made for myself died that day.

Maybe I am crazy LOL

 

[still here]

Thanks for the hello and welcome. :tdown:

 

[ChoctawWarrior]

Hi! Welcome :) I am 18 and I have C-PTSD.

I have to say from personal experiences, it's sounds to me like this DID traumatize you. If you had deep feelings for him, it would make even more sense for this to be traumatizing. Especially since things were described in such detail :tdown: NOT cool on their part- NOT cool at all :(

I've also read that everyone is different in how they handle things. From the sounds of it, I think I would also be traumatized. And for him and the woman to describe it in such gory detail makes it seem as though they were PURPOSELY trying to affect you, which sounds abusive on both parts. So basically, it seems as though this comes from abuse- which qualifies as a traumatic event.

I am so sorry to hear what they put you through. You definitely deserve someone better, and you WILL find someone better. I would just stay away from both of them, and talk this thing over with a therapist- leaving PTSD untreated is NOT smart (this coming from personal experiences- trust me, DON'T do it). If it does get left untreated or without consistent therapy, and you go through too much more stress, you could get C-PTSD (since stress is hard to handle when you've been traumatized).

Don't worry, karma will take care of both of them. They don't seem like good people. God bless and be well! Everything will be okay :) :hug:

 

[Muzikluvr]

Welcome to the forum, still here. You seem to be quite raw and emotional. Is that sarcasm in your above post? It doesn't play well. This is a forum where we all try to support one another, the best we can. We are all hurting. We are all stressed. We cannot all find the right words in the moment when others want to hear them. Patience is important.

Your post was difficult to read, not only because it seems to imply at first, that your PTSD is caused from your husband's affair... which isn't possible. But, also because you didn't capitalize a lot of your letters when starting a new sentence. It almost appeared like you just threw in periods willy nilly. I skimmed some paragraphs for that reason.

I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help, if you don't already have it, and discuss all those horrific things that happened leading up to the moment when you found out your husband had had an affair. Your whole life affects how you perceive events and what repeats in your mind... so, you need to examine it and consider what you really lost in that moment... or why it affected you so severely.

But, if the horrific things you refer to aren't traumatic events, then it may be that you have some other mental illness and if that is the case, then you need to know what it is so you can manage it properly. For me, because my major depression episodes are not caused by chemical imbalance, it cannot be treated the same as someone who is diagnosed with major depression. No matter what anti-depressive they prescribe to me. The same would be true if you do not have PTSD, any advice or treatment based on PTSD would not work for you if you have something else. So, it is important for you to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

a full past of multiple situations of great devastation gave me a way to cope. like the issues in the past that were horrific I assumed this too would pass and I would cope and I would each day find a way to get up and brush my self off.

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much. I hope you find ways to deal with what happened in your life.

Again, welcome to the forum and please remember to treat us with the same kindness and respect that you hope to receive.

Best wishes, Muz

 

[Venusian]

Hi Still here,

I know how devastating a marraige breakup can be. I was married for 18 years when my husband left me for someone else. I already had PTSD from a childhood trauma and even now 10 years later, it is one of the hardest things I went through. I don't know what else has happened to you in your life but I know that it took years for me to even think about dating again. I still don't really trust anyone to let them get close but that is the PTSD.

I may not even be on the right forum or place I just hoped to find someone else that has been through something like this and could reassure me that baby steps will help me be normal again.

There will be better days it does take time and it does take effort. I had children that needed me and that got me through a lot of it. I don't hate my ex-husband anymore because he is no longer the man that I had fallen in love with. I was so confused for a long time and there were so many things that I didn't know and never will about why my marrige broke up but I realized later that it really didn't matter. It was over and I was different and he was different.

This forum is about PTSD and a relationship breaking up, although it can be heartbreaking, it is not something that by itself causes PTSD. You alluded to other things in your life that have been bad and if they were traumatic and you had PTSD before, as I did, it can complicate things and coping with all the feelings that come up. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Have you spoken to a therapist? If your feelings are overwhelming then having a diagnosis can help find the right treatment.

Welcome to the forum, I hope you get some answers.

 

[Don't trip]

Hi Still Here,

Because I'm a domestic violence advocate, my perceptions might be a little different, as well as your post being somewhat of a trigger.

Having said that, I can only share what I see and think about your situation, but realize there are many missing elements in what you've shared that may be causing the overwhelming degree of your symptoms.

First of all, an affair in my opinion, IS a very traumatic situation, BUT it is even more so when the person committing the adultery is an abusive spouse. The detail in which your husband (is he ex or are you still with him?), and his mistress shared with you was blatantly exploitative, abusive and intentionally harmful. I wouldn't necessarily see it that way, if there were a degree of genuine remorse for how it affected you, however sharing details is very telling because someone with a modicum of empathy would not do so, knowing it would be so devastating. That IS abuse.

Secondly, if you're still living with this man, you're exposed to your trigger DAILY. Denial is an extremely detrimental coping mechanism in an abusive marriage, and it doesn't at all surprise me that you would be HIGHLY reactive while still living IN it. I see something else here though too and it's found in what you haven't said, versus what you have. The reaction you had to the details that were given are very common in abusive situations. My gut tells me this is not the only time this man has abused you, and sometimes it takes a monumental event to 'wake us up', so to speak. When you are awakened and you IGNORE this and replace it with denial, you add further to your trauma, rather than dealing with it realistically and honestly. There is a lot of loss when you are faced with reality and that can be very traumatizing in itself and very frightening.

My suggestion to you would be to seek out a really good trauma therapist. I have seen survivors of abuse reacting as you are. I too, reacted the same in my abusive relationships and was cheated on SEVERAL times, adding further to the trauma that already existed through chronic abuse. I'm also a survivor of extreme childhood multiple sexual abuse trauma. While in denial I could not realistically look at the foundations for the choices I made in partners, and the continuation of abuse in my life.

I hope you find the support that you need.

 

[Hashi]

Is that sarcasm in your above post? It doesn't play well. This is a forum where we all try to support one another, the best we can. We are all hurting. We are all stressed. We cannot all find the right words in the moment when others want to hear them. Patience is important.

still here, I also felt this when I read your second post. I saw both posts together yesterday, and your second post was the reason I didn't reply to your first one.

To echo Muzikluvr, your first post was quite hard to read before it was edited by a moderator, especially because it was long. If you've received a forum message about formatting (grammar) then this is the reason, and I hope you'll understand that the intention of that is to help you get responses. In addition, responses can take time and it's never possible to predict how many a post will get. We all want to support each other here, and any advice or guidance is given with the aim that you can get the most out of the forum, and that all members will treat each other with respect and understanding.

I hope the responses here are helpful to you. I agree that a relationship breakup/being cheated on in itself, however distressing, doesn't cause PTSD, but if the partner is abusive then the abuse could cause PTSD.

It sounds like you've had to contend with a great deal in your life. My situation is very different from yours, but I can relate to creating a bubble to exist in which has been shattered. It can be very hard and painful to no longer have that bubble. I hope that getting professional help and other things, such as being here on the forum, can help you find a way through.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help

Good advice.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Please take the advise to seek professional help to heart, as regardless of a diagnosis, you are suffering the psychological effects of something or many things. Getting help can be your first step to getting better.