Icarusprime14
New Here
Hello everyone. My name is Kyreem and I am new to this site. I am really at loss where to turn to. I am a 24 year old male who has struggled with a very traumatic past and never had the opportunity of a healthy childhood or adulthood.
I was placed in foster care a few days after I was born because my mom had a history of drug abuse and she was not allowed to keep me. I was in foster care for the first 5 years of my life. I only been in one foster home, but my time there was very, very horrible. I was physically and sexually abused pretty regularly and me and my other foster siblings were treated very poorly. Sometimes unfed or locked in our rooms for a long period of time. There was a lot of neglect and violence. Ironically, when I think back to those situations, the sexual and physical abuse does not trigger me because it happened so often that It was my normal. I didn't know that I was treated bad until my foster sister almost killed me by beating me over the head with a mop, only to see a pile of blood on the floor. I was 4 or 5 I believe. At that point, I noticed how awful the situation was and I grew angry and betrayed. I believe that point set of a lifelong history of mistrust and fear of the world.
At age, 5 I was adopted into my current family. Transitioning to a new home and enviornment was actually the hardest part of it all. I was a timid child afraid and mad at the world. Even today, I have never gotten out of that stage. Trying to start all over and fitting into a new society seemed like a great thing. It wasn't for me at least. I obsessed with becoming normal and trying to be like all the other kids my age. I could not make a connection with anyone. I still can't. I was the black sheep of my new family and always the "joke" or the one who needed to try harder to be a normal good boy.
My biological sister was adopted with me. For her, she forgot and heavily supressed everything that happened to her. She was able to live a near normal life. She was anything but normal to me though. From when we were adopted to even recently, she was the one to emotionally abuse me. It was an everyday thing. Sometimes she would get physical with me and slap me around a lot. I never hit her because she was always protected. She was more normal and if I had an issue, it was just me asking for it. My sister constantly put me down. Anything from my voice, the way i dressed, to the friends I hung out with, to my hobbies and interests. She was very narcissistic and thought she was entitled to everything. I alwyas had to listen to how pretty and awesome she was. My family doesn't believe me how severe it was. Anytime my sister would lift up her hand, I would flinch as a reaction because she slapped me so much. Even when she was just stretching. I noticed how hard it is to detach yourself from an abuser. I think I dealt with so much emotional abuse I became emotionally detached from the world and dissaciate nearly every second of the day. I don't have the capacity to emotionally connect with someone anymore and that makes me sad because I consider myself an empathetic person.
I was also bullied and even recently got out of a situation where I was heavily bullied by having to put up with hostile racial comments. My roommate became hostile when I confronted him about it. I am African American and gay so I struggle with being apart of multiple minorities and always felt it gave me even more a disadvantage. I also struggle with identity issues because I don't fully identify with my African American culture because I was raised by caucasian parents. I never had those ties to my heritage and find it hard to relate to other black people. I have always felt alien and never fit in any group. Even the LGBTQ group, I feel like a fish out of water.
It was only recently that I was unnofficially diagnosed with PTSD by my college counselor who has worked a lot with me. Having researched more, I think I fall under the criteria of Complex PTSD since there isn't just one event. He did EMDR on me, but didn't feel any effect whatsoever. I have been pretty resistant to practically all my medicines and therapy session. I have been to more professional doctors than I can count and been on so many types of medication. Most anti-depressants. Growing up, I had many professionals try to "fix" me and I was never allowed to make decisions for myself. I always had a doctor of some sort thrown at me since I was 5. In the past few years, I have developed new trauma with doctors because I have had some cruel doctors who were extremely manipulative and just threw meds at me and I feel like I been trapped in the psychiatric system all my life. I never was given a choice whether I wanted meds or not. And recently, I had an awful incident with a Mental health company. There were going to find me a caseworker. Eventually one came through and we met for 3 weeks. He gave me an appt. for the next session. Next session comes and he never shows up. I am confused and worried. So I call. Nothing. The whole incident is completely hish hush and everyone I tell says they will speak with the supervior and nothing happens. No one returns my call or anything. I used to go before and they were horrible. Between that, the psych ward where I was treat like a 3rd class citizen, and my psychiatrist who was one of the most cruel person I met, I have lost all hope in the system.
I now sit, wondering who I can trust for help and feel once again, I am abused by people in power. I go back to school in 2 weeks and I am scared for my life being around everyone. Sorry for my long rant of blabbing. I just wanted to share with others who go through similar things for the first time in my life.
I was placed in foster care a few days after I was born because my mom had a history of drug abuse and she was not allowed to keep me. I was in foster care for the first 5 years of my life. I only been in one foster home, but my time there was very, very horrible. I was physically and sexually abused pretty regularly and me and my other foster siblings were treated very poorly. Sometimes unfed or locked in our rooms for a long period of time. There was a lot of neglect and violence. Ironically, when I think back to those situations, the sexual and physical abuse does not trigger me because it happened so often that It was my normal. I didn't know that I was treated bad until my foster sister almost killed me by beating me over the head with a mop, only to see a pile of blood on the floor. I was 4 or 5 I believe. At that point, I noticed how awful the situation was and I grew angry and betrayed. I believe that point set of a lifelong history of mistrust and fear of the world.
At age, 5 I was adopted into my current family. Transitioning to a new home and enviornment was actually the hardest part of it all. I was a timid child afraid and mad at the world. Even today, I have never gotten out of that stage. Trying to start all over and fitting into a new society seemed like a great thing. It wasn't for me at least. I obsessed with becoming normal and trying to be like all the other kids my age. I could not make a connection with anyone. I still can't. I was the black sheep of my new family and always the "joke" or the one who needed to try harder to be a normal good boy.
My biological sister was adopted with me. For her, she forgot and heavily supressed everything that happened to her. She was able to live a near normal life. She was anything but normal to me though. From when we were adopted to even recently, she was the one to emotionally abuse me. It was an everyday thing. Sometimes she would get physical with me and slap me around a lot. I never hit her because she was always protected. She was more normal and if I had an issue, it was just me asking for it. My sister constantly put me down. Anything from my voice, the way i dressed, to the friends I hung out with, to my hobbies and interests. She was very narcissistic and thought she was entitled to everything. I alwyas had to listen to how pretty and awesome she was. My family doesn't believe me how severe it was. Anytime my sister would lift up her hand, I would flinch as a reaction because she slapped me so much. Even when she was just stretching. I noticed how hard it is to detach yourself from an abuser. I think I dealt with so much emotional abuse I became emotionally detached from the world and dissaciate nearly every second of the day. I don't have the capacity to emotionally connect with someone anymore and that makes me sad because I consider myself an empathetic person.
I was also bullied and even recently got out of a situation where I was heavily bullied by having to put up with hostile racial comments. My roommate became hostile when I confronted him about it. I am African American and gay so I struggle with being apart of multiple minorities and always felt it gave me even more a disadvantage. I also struggle with identity issues because I don't fully identify with my African American culture because I was raised by caucasian parents. I never had those ties to my heritage and find it hard to relate to other black people. I have always felt alien and never fit in any group. Even the LGBTQ group, I feel like a fish out of water.
It was only recently that I was unnofficially diagnosed with PTSD by my college counselor who has worked a lot with me. Having researched more, I think I fall under the criteria of Complex PTSD since there isn't just one event. He did EMDR on me, but didn't feel any effect whatsoever. I have been pretty resistant to practically all my medicines and therapy session. I have been to more professional doctors than I can count and been on so many types of medication. Most anti-depressants. Growing up, I had many professionals try to "fix" me and I was never allowed to make decisions for myself. I always had a doctor of some sort thrown at me since I was 5. In the past few years, I have developed new trauma with doctors because I have had some cruel doctors who were extremely manipulative and just threw meds at me and I feel like I been trapped in the psychiatric system all my life. I never was given a choice whether I wanted meds or not. And recently, I had an awful incident with a Mental health company. There were going to find me a caseworker. Eventually one came through and we met for 3 weeks. He gave me an appt. for the next session. Next session comes and he never shows up. I am confused and worried. So I call. Nothing. The whole incident is completely hish hush and everyone I tell says they will speak with the supervior and nothing happens. No one returns my call or anything. I used to go before and they were horrible. Between that, the psych ward where I was treat like a 3rd class citizen, and my psychiatrist who was one of the most cruel person I met, I have lost all hope in the system.
I now sit, wondering who I can trust for help and feel once again, I am abused by people in power. I go back to school in 2 weeks and I am scared for my life being around everyone. Sorry for my long rant of blabbing. I just wanted to share with others who go through similar things for the first time in my life.
