Sufferer New Here Need Help Ptsd

[nursenurse]

I dunno, I still think in any relationship, if one person is engaging in some behaviour that annoys/hurts the other, they stop out of respect for the partner. It is part and parcel of the give and take of any relationship. The thing is we are not talking about which way to hang toilet paper. Porn can affect you on so many levels. The poster had been very clear about this from the beginning of her relationship. I also don't believe in the what you don't know can't hurt you theory.

 

[gtpgurl]

Wow, thank you to many of you. I really could have done without Ed's comments.

We have discussed the issue many times. As I stated earlier, I fully explained to him my situation and my stance at the very beginning of our relationship. This one issue is the only thing wrong in our relationship.

I have been in therapy for this for 7 years now. I wish I could just not let it bother me so it wouldn't even be an issue. I guess it just doesn't work that way for me. The OCD plays a part in it to, that I can not stop myself from obsessively looking for the evidence that he's done it on the computer and his phone. I even went so far as to install K9 web protection on both. I know this is wrong on my part to do this to him, but it is my problem I cant just stop. I was never this obsessive with him about t until after I found out he did it that first time. It just pops into my head or I see something that triggers the feeling and I can't stop myself from turning into the pornography detective.

I wish so bad that I could just stop caring. I think if I actually did stop caring though it would be because I have stopped loving and was ready to give up. I do not want to give up. We have a baby now and she is the most important thing. I want her to have 2 strong loving parents. I don't feel strong anymore. I love him and I do know he loves me . He works very hard to make money to support us and is also going to school full time to get a better job. I don't question that he loves me. I just don't understand when he knows how much it hurts me and he knows I will take care of his needs no mater what time of day or how many times a day, why does he still do it? Maybe he does have an addiction problem with it. I also have my own problem with hunting down the proof. I have been working on it for so long I just don't think I'm ever going to be able to change. I don't know if he will either.

I can't say it enough times, I wish I just didn't care. I wish what happened to me didn't happen. I wish he didn't have to pay for the traumas of my past. But I very clearly explained it all to him. Not the details though I have never gone into all the details with my therapist. We have been working on exposure therapy to talk about it but I still get full blown panic attacks when I try to get into details. Maybe he needs to hear the details? I'm afraid if he did he'd never want to touch me again.

I just feel so stuck and hurt. I just try to stay strong for my daughter. I don't want her seeing me cry. Before I had her I was still self harming and when I found I was pregnant I stopped cold turkey with everything. She has really changed who I am in a very positive way. Now I just have no outlet for the hurt, I'm not good at coping skills.

The big question I keep asking my therapist is about electro shock therapy. I thought it might help me maybe stop thinking and scrutinizing so much, or maybe stop caring about it so much. At the very least I need t stop the obsessively thinking and hunting down the proof. Its like my own addiction. Somehow I guess I feel like if I know he's doing it and I confront him and he admits it to me then there is no lies and secrets anymore. I guess that makes it little better in my head.

I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long, I could have kept going for another hour. I just want to stop the hurting, obsessing and caring about it so much. I just don't know if I can.

 

[gtpgurl]

It seems I have carried over the "Its my job as the girlfriend to satisfy every need no matter what", from the previous relationship. I really do try very hard to do that. That's a part of why it hurts so bad that he still does it. With everything that I do for him, and its still not good enough. I feel fat, ugly and worthless. I've always had no self esteem. All this is just eating at me. I'd like to hear anyones oppinon on EST. If it might help me or if it even applied to my situation. Would it take away from my ability to be a good mother. I just want to be a normal person. I know that isn't a good thing to say but you know what I mean.

 

[nursenurse]

Look, the bottom line is that this behaviour of his bothers you, and i think there is a trust issue here. he said he would stop, and he did not. You are not alone in your feelings about porn. For two people who agree on it, while I will never like it, whatever floats their boat. But you have clearly indicated that it hurts and that it bothers you, and yet he is still viewing it even after he said he would stop. That is where I see the problem. I hope you find your answers. For me, and I am not PTSD and I don't carry the burdens you do, I would find it to be a deal breaker. Your fellow seems to have many other good attributes, but how can you feel safe if he basically is hurting you on purpose? It seems tome it is more than just the occasional viewing. He may be addicted, and that possibility needs to be gently addressed. I think a few joint counselling sessions would be the best way to go. My heart is with you, it is not easy :(

As for EST, I am no expert on it, but it seems to me you are wanting to try and use an external means to control and invalidate your own feelings. I think there may be more problems in your relationship than you are expressing, but no person should make you feel this way. Hugs.

 

[gtpgurl]

I would love to do joint therapy but we can not afford it. My insurance will not cover it and he has none. There are more problems all of them stemming from this issue. Lack of trust is probably the biggest. I trust him with my life in every other aspect.

I guess at this point I kind of feel like I am wrong for feeling the way I do. Every where I look people are saying its normal for guys to look at porn and I am the weirdo for being so against it. Many opinions like Ed had. I even had a therapist tell me "men are visual creatures and it normal, he's not trying to hurt you on purpose". My own sister even says I'm crazy for making such a big deal about it.

So I'm left feeling again like something is wrong with me and I need to figure out how to fix it to save the relationship. I do want t save it. Maybe one day in the future when he gets a better job with affordable benefit we can do joint counseling. Then there is also my pathetic hope that maybe this time he really will stop. I just gotta figure out how to hold on till we can get counceling or hope I can find a way to "get over it".

Thank you so much for being kind and understanding. Its hard to find that on this topic.

 

[nursenurse]

Just because everyone thinks it is normal doesn't make it right, especially in your situation. I don't want to make trouble for you or tell you what you need to be doing. He has choices too. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

You know what, maybe you can show him this thread? Including all of your and our responses. Give him time to read it all and think it through. And ask him to explain to you why he still watches porn and why he lied to you. If that leaves anything unclear, well, I'd be baffled honestly.

You have been working so hard for this relationship, don't let his typically male thickheadedness ( sorry guys :p ) ruin something that is so beautiful and precious to both of you.

The ball's in his court now. Time for him to step it up.

 

[intothelight]

Take the time to talk to your therapist about the issues. They may have some really good suggestions about broaching this subject with him. There is always the consideration that your boy friend may be dealing with his own addiction as keeping things secret and lying to cover them up is pretty common with addictive behaviors.

Regardless of the underlying reasons, it is something the both of you will have to discuss in an open, honest and safe manner. If he is going to be honest with you, he is going to also have to feel he can trust enough that you won't become so emotionally overloaded that communication ceases to be productive. That is not easy and where your therapist can help you.

All of this is going to be difficult because of your past trauma. If possible, focus on the reasons and what can be gained by moving forward. Is it the pornography itself, or the breach of trust that is the most hurtful? Take some time to sort out your feelings so that when you can discuss this, you can stay focused on each individual issue. Its hard with PTSD because the emotions of past and present can become so tangled.

 

[ill]

It seems I have carried over the "Its my job as the girlfriend to satisfy every need no matter what", from the previous relationship. I really do try very hard to do that. That's a part of why it hurts so bad that he still does it. With everything that I do for him, and its still not good enough. I feel fat, ugly and worthless. I've always had no self esteem. All this is just eating at me.

This post really resonated with me. For the bulk of my life, this is exactly how I felt, especially in romantic relationships. Because of my traumas and the ways in which I internalized them, I felt like the only way to be loved was to be perfect/the best/the only. I felt deeply threatened by porn, but also by masturbation and even previous sexual partners (and the list extends way further, to much more innocuous things). I feel like I was always trying to be the best, to prove that I was an excellent/the best partner and simultaneously, I never felt good enough. If my lover wasn't ever in the mood (a things that happens), I felt like it reflected on my (in)adequacy, unworthiness, lack of sexual desirability/performance, and/or meant that my partner no longer wanted/liked/loved me. In my head, it was never about a situation or circumstances or stress or life stuff or solitude, but always and only about my lack. I just want to say that I understand the feelings you wrote and also to say that it's really not about you not being good enough. This isn't a reflection of any lack on your part, it doesn't mean that he's unsatisfied in your relationship, it doesn't mean that you're not an excellent girlfriend, it doesn't mean that you're fat or ugly or worthless. You are good enough exactly as you are. I also hope you know that you don't have to satisfy every need he has. Who can satisfy every need for another?! What a heavy burden that would be!

I also want to say that your feelings are perfectly valid. You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. You're not harming other people with your feelings. You deserve to have your feelings listened to, respected and heard. Unfortunately, listening to, respecting and hearing someone's feelings, and loving them very deeply doesn't always mean we can give that person what they want or need. I am not saying this to be cruel or to start any debate about porn - I think this is true period. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we can give them what they want or need.

 

[gtpgurl]

Yes its is definitely the pornography itself and also the breach of trust. I still have a very hard time discussing my feelings on this issue with anyone. I goes from talking to crying to full on hyperventilating panic attack very fast. I've bee in therapy for it a long time, about 7 years. We try to do exposure therapy by talking about it but she says I'm still not ready. I start to relive it as I'm talking about it. I still have terrible nightmares almost every night about him and the traumas. Needless to say I've suffered from bad insomnia for a very long time, about 13 years now. I'm sure he lack of sleep is not helping my emotional state or my ability to cope.

When I was in the bad relationship I ate for comfort. I gained lot of weight. I stopped weighing myself at 288 so I'm sure I got up over 300. When I finally did "escape" as I call it, I decided I was going to lose the weight. I did develop several eating disorders but I got down to 160! I though it would feel good but there was s much extra skin I just felt ugly in a different way. Then I got pregnant and I got up to 215. Now I'm at 185. I am struggling so hard with self image. The porn is only adding to it. I am fat. All the girls in porn have perfect bodies. Something I can never achieve at this point. I try to be strong for my daughter I don't want her learning eating disorders from me. Every calorie in my head is another reason he will look at porn.

We had a good talk last night. Of course I broke down and he was very supportive and understanding. He said that something a said the other day finally made it click in his head that he needs to stop. I really do hope he means it, but at this point I find it hard to believe it. Which I also explained. A lot of times when I try to talk about it to him about the porn he just gets angry. It did seem like a different kind of talk last night. I really hope he meant it this time, but maybe he is just getting really good at lying.

Today is going to be be a hard day. I'm sorry all my posts are so long, guess it just feels good to get it all out sometimes.

 

[circe47]

I can't list specific articles, but there have been many research studies that reflect the majority of sex workers were sexually abused when young. It is repetition compulsion to try to master a situation by subconsciously and repeatedly engaging in damaging behavior reminiscent of the trauma.

I seriously doubt that porn actors were born to, and grew up wanting and expecting to sell their bodies for the sexual gratification of others. Like most children, they had lofty dreams and wanted to be doctors and firemen and nurses. Trauma made them take a path in life they were not meant to live.

You believe what ever you want, Ed. As long as you are honest about your preferences with others right up front, you should be good to go.

 

[gtpgurl]

Perhaps you could be moved elsewhere? This is my trauma not yours and you have no right to continually Belittle my feelings especially when I specifically asked to not get comments like yours.

 

[Notsowild]

Perhaps you could be moved elsewhere? This is my trauma not yours and you have no right to continually Belittle my feelings especially when I specifically asked to not get comments like yours.

Yes I couldn't agree more!